Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!
Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!
It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!
Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.
ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”
So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.
They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.
Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”
Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.
More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.
Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.
Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”
And they’re conversation goes like this:
Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.
James: Uh, what?
Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.
James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!
Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.
Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.
Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.
James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.
Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.
James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.
Nat: And you have to take the kid.
*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*
Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.
Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!
So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.
Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.
Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!
I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?