For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)
Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.
For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.
This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.
And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.
After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.
Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.
While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”
Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.
Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.
After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.
Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.
As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.
Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.
Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.
I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.
Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.
CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.
Tyger the PF: Let’s talk
BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.
Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.
Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.
Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?
Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.
Tyger: That is suspicious.
A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.
Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.
Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.
Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.
Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.
Patch in the middle of the desert.
Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.
Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!
Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!
Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.
So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”
But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.
Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.
Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.
Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.
Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.
Comic Book Bitch