So last week, I watched the first episode of Ms. Marvel. I was never excited about this show in the first place because I am a crotchety, old man, but one of my friends said it was amazing so I was excited to watch.
I fucking hated episode 1.
But that could be because I am still a crotchety, old man. So here goes episode 2.
It starts by Kamala walking into school with some BDE. She isn’t the same shy weirdo she was before. Now she is a bad bitch taking control of her life.
She runs into a really hot dude in a meet cute type of way and they lock eyes for just an instant long enough for us to get the idea that she wants to bang this dude.
THEN her nerdy friend runs into her in a less cute way, and then as an audience we’re like, ohhhhhh okay. This is a Kim Possible / Ron thing.
Even when the main character is a hot woman, she still ends up with the fucking loser. Jesus can’t WE ever win?
Skinny white men winning even out here in Pakistani-led tv series. SMH.
K, the scene is bleeding into the next one. Kamala and her nerd friend are walking down the halls as the kids look at their phones, presumably, the budget Captain Marvel display has hit the YouTubes.
We’re introduced to another one of her friends, and maybe we met her last episode. I don’t remember and I don’t care to look into it.
The popular girl, Zoey who Kamala saved last episode is bragging about almost dying and she decides to throw a party to celebrate her suicide ideation. And Kamala and Krew don’t fuckin care, that is until Zoey invites the hot guy that Kamala had a meet cute with earlier.
WERE THEY EVEN FUCKING INVITED. HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?
CUT TO: Kamala is practicing with her new power bracelet, she almost kills her white boy best friend, Bruno, and she saves him just before she kills him, but in a sexy way. Cause she cuddles him to the ground and then lets her arm stay around his waist for just a second longer than necessary.
This teen girl horny af.
Insert Montage of Kamala practicing her powers.
Then next scene Kamala is going to church with her friend, Not-Bruno. And it seems that being a Sheikh ain’t cool for ladies, cause they have to hide behind a partition and sit on moldy carpet to pray. WTFFFFF
Turns out white men ain’t the only ones who are shitty! Brown men are terrible too!
K TIME FOR THE NERDS TO PARTAYYYY!!!!
At Zoe’s house there are children everywhere and there is a sexy grotto for some reason. Some dude gives Kamala a drink and tells her its orange juice, but it is mixed with vodka and she takes a sip and immediately asks if she is drunk.
Is anyone that innocent at 16? I’m truly wondering, because I certainly was NOT.
ANYWAYS, the hot dude from the meet-cute earlier jumps from the top of a mountain in Zoey’s backyard into the sexy grotto, doing several flips in the air before he hits the water in a cringe-worthy belly flop.
He walks out of the water lookin all sexy with emoticons all around him before he ends up right in front of Kamala cause she is LUCKILY standing right on his shirt.
Unfortunately, the hot guy puts his shirt on and the cops come. Fortunately, hot guy has a car and he invites all the nerds to get in to escape the cops.
In the car ride, hot dude offers to take Kamala for a ride just them sometime and then they bond over Bollywood, and Bruno ain’t happy about it. I WONDER WHY.
Anyways, Hot Guy gives Kamala his number and offers to give her driving lessons. I’m sure that ain’t the only lesson he gonna give her. HEY-YOO
Next day at school Kamala has some issues with her powers and her nose turns into crystal. Luckily her best friend Nakia, who is super beautiful and fashionable btw hands her a tampon and everything is fine after that.
Meanwhile, Bruno is meeting with the school guidance counselor who has some good news. Bruno apparently applied for an immersion program at CalTech and he got in for next semester, but he doesn’t want to go cause it’s in California. WTF. Why you even apply then, idiot?
Bruno catches up with Kamala really quick to tell her about the CalTech thing, but she busy with the hot guy, Kamran.
THE NEXT SCENE MADE MY NERD BRAIN MELT BECAUSE KAMRAN AND KAMALA ARE DISCUSSING KINGO!!! THE FUCKING ETERNAL. The Eternal who dropped some comedic lines and dialogued plot points and then left the fucking battle…. BUT STILL I’M SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP! asdfghjkl!!!
Kamala’s brudduh and fiancee catch Kamala in a diner with Kamran, and Kamala lies to her brother and says Kamran is their cousin, which is gross cause Kamran was all up on her and they looked like they were about to touch tongue tips just before he walked up. Luckily her dumb ass brother didn’t notice but, his fiancee knew wtf was up.
So like the next part of the episode is about how the bangle who gives her powers belonged to her great grandmother Aisha who brought great shame upon their family, and no one wants to fucking tell her about it. She asks her grandma about it, and her grandma is like “Meh, I don’t wanna talk right now I’m tryna eat some mangoes, dawg.” So Kamala is like, erm, ok, I’ll ask my mom and her mom is like, weirdly angry about her asking. She’s all “that bitch brought shame to our family, don’t even bring up that hoe, I stg, I will throw hands.” So Kamala is like, “cool! thanks for not being cryptic at all!”
Ugh this show is long, but I think it’s almost over.
Kamala and her fam bam are headed to this Sheikh partayyy. Nakia is campaigning to get on the board of the mosque, so she gotta hit up all the cliques within the community. Those cliques are described to us in the SAME EXACT WAY Janis Ian (dyke) explained the lunch tables at the cafeteria in Mean Girls.
The Mosque Bros – bunch a hot hunks who like taking pictures of themselves and spinning basketballs on their fingers.
Pious Boys – Couple of nerds who are probably covert incels.
Sunday school Teachers – A semi-diverse group of old hags.
Insta Clique – a group of girls who don’t wear Hajibs and probably give BJs to the Mosque Bros after Sujud.
The Converts/Reverts- Three white people and a black guy who probably all married into the religion.
Mini Harami Girls – Okay, I literally googled this and Harami means coming from the Harem, which is like forbidden and banned. So these are some hoes.
The IlluminAunties – Illuminati of the 616 Universe. Busy bodies who probably have Steven Strange on speed dial.
Cut To: Zoe Zimmer getting questioned by the DODC.
Scene: FUCK DA POLICE.
Cut To: Kamala talking to the IlluminAunties about her great grandmother, Aisha. These aunties love talking shit and she hears that Aisha was a hoe and had a secret family and was also a murderer.
Now that’s the type of hoe I do like.
While Kamala is talking to the aunties, a dumb ass is hanging out of a window taking pictures of himself, and then he falls out the window, but luckily he grabs onto some curtain and that keeps him from straight up dying. Giving Kamala the chance to save him. The save is pretty damn messy and the kid ends up hurting his ankle somehow. But he fell on his back on a car. IDK. Plot holes.
The cops that were questioning Zoe end up coming after Kamala after her stunt, cause like, her spot was BLOWING UP on IG.
She runs away and then a nice ass car pulls up to pick her ass up, and inside it’s Kamran, her kissing cousin and his mama, who looks exactly like her great grandma. So now, it’s less kissing cousins and more kissing your uncle. Soooo…yeah….
Okay, I gotta say I like this show now. Sure it’s not as fast-paced as Loki or whateva but it’s a different type a show. For tweens n stuff. And I am forever in a failure to launch mode so I am down for it.
They need to make another teen show like this but sexy like Gossip Girl and RiverDale.