Generations: The Archers #1

Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.

I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.

This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.

So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.

hawkeye generations
BFFLs

Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.

hawkeye in pink
The retired suit of Hawkeye sponsored by Hello Kitty.

So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.

So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.

Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.

So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.

The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.

Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company.  Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.

kate in hawkeye mask

They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.

Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.

Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.

HE’S A HERO!!

The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”

Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.

Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.

Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.

hawkeye beats up taskmaster
I would say the whole ensemble is a mistake.

Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”

The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!

Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.

Bullseye. Did you guess that?

ya think
Y’think?!!! What an Asshat this blue-haired chick is

Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.

Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.

Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.

They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.

Nothing makes sense.

But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.

I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.

 

Spider-Men II

Sorry to all my millions of fans for this long hiatus, my life changed dramatically, but what didn’t change is my love for comic books so I’m back now and ready for action. And as promised that last time I wrote, I have more Spider-Man to talk about. This time we’ve got a team up from alternate worlds! It is the Peter Parker and Miles Morales team-up of the century!! This story begins with both of them having been tied up and hung upside down together. I have no idea what they did to get themselves into this mess, but they must be dealing with some very nice criminals to spare their lives like that. Miles saves the day by performing one of his “mega venom” blasts. Unfortunately, the criminals just barely get away on their jet plane and Peter blames Miles for this. What a jerk.

miles
Miles has the better costume so Peter can eat dirt

Oooo, so this book is one of those look what’s happened and let’s keep you on a string and then we’ll go back and tell you how this happened. Sounds good to me. I love that storytelling trick. I mean, there’s only about two ways to start a comic book if you really think about it.

So now that we’re in the story we begin with Peter doing a quick computer search looking for Miles Morales, the one from his universe that is. Because Miles Morales actually lives in a different universe from the Peter Parker we know, and in Miles’ universe Spider-Man was killed and so Miles decided “Hey, I can do that. Honor his memory and kick butt and whatnot, plus I’ll get a cooler costume.” BUT in alive Peter’s universe he wants to know if Miles exists there. And I think he does, because the next page Miles is rushing into class ten minutes late with a freshly printed term paper in hand. Printers are so annoying and unreliable. When will we stop cloning sheep and start making printers not suck?!

But I digress…

Now that Miles is safe in class, Peter is in danger fighting some huge armadillo. Yes. A huge armadillo. Something along the lines of “Armadillo-man.” I don’t know. I would make more fun of this, except that Peter seems to be very self-aware of the joke of a criminal he’s fighting against and pokes fun at him the whole time.

FLASH to Miles. He notices a girl from his class for the first time. As if he’s seeing the world with fresh eyes. As it turns out Miles has known her all year and only noticed her today because she wore a pink hat. Cute. But isn’t that how it goes? One day you look at someone and you’re like hmph, I never realized this person is attractive. Especially when you’re preoccupied with saving the world on a near-daily basis.

Suddenly a giant iron ball falls in the middle of Miles’ campus and interrupts his conversation with “Barbara.” He swings into action and meets up with Peter on a building in the city immediately. They follow the iron balls into a warehouse, a familiar warehouse. It’s the warehouse where they first met. Because Mysterio was going in and out of universes and then apparently the universe they’re now in is the universe of all universes. I don’t know but I’m just going to nod along and pretend I know what they’re talking about.

Why do these writers even bother coming up with these crazy ideas? Let’s just accept the fact that Superheroes don’t die and don’t age and be happy. Stop making up crazy universes and moving mutants through time. Or don’t. Actually definitely don’t. I feel smart when I talk to people about this kind of stuff in comic books because it confuses them. I TRICKED THEM ALL.

WOW! You guys should buy this comic book, the taskmaster just showed up to smoosh these little spiders.

THEN….

SOMEWHERE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE…

An all grown-up Miles Morales comes back home to his mansion from walking his little fluffy puppy and a lady in a white dress tells him that he’s got to go to New York because the Taskmaster just showed up. And Miles, with his scarred up, “I’ve seen it all” face, is not too pleased with this development.

miles morales older
I fink u fweeky n i like u a lot

This was a good one. Two good characters team-up, one that’s really funny and one that has girl drama, it’s the perfect buddy-cop scenario. It’s also funny that they have the same name. Not knowing who is talking to whom will be RIPE for hijinks to ensue. “Hey Spider-man, not you, Spider-man!”

I can tell I’m gonna like this one. I bet their going to have a falling out and not be friends and try to solve the case on their own, and then they’re going to be friends again and team-up to save the day. If I’m right, everyone owes me $1.