Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.
Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.
Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.
Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”
Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.
Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .
After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.
John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.
Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.
Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?
You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!
That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!
So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀
Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!
I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.
But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭
Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?
I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.
But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?
Am I thinking way too much into this??
Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.
Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch
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Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.
I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.
Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)
So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.
In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.
We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.
As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.
Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.
Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.
As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.
Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.
Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.
Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.
She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.
She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.
Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.
After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.
Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.
Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.
As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.
Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.
Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.
Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.
Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.
Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.
The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”
Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.
Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?
Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.
It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.
Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.
The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”
He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.
So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.
I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.
Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??
So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.
Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.
The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.
As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.
We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.
We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”
So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.
Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.
Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.
Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.
So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?
The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.
We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!
Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.
Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”
Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.
He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.
The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”
Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.
They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!
BUM BUM BUHHH
And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.
I went to my local comic book store for the first time in at least a few months and it was just so exciting to be inside one again. I usually get my comic books off of the Marvel app and before that was Comixology. Anyways, I went in and they were open an extra hour longer than usual because it was Wednesday. (New Comic Book day for any n00bs out there.) And lucky for me because they usually close at 7 pm and I came waltzing in at 7:15. They had some good shit, but not as good as my old comic book store in NYC. I recently moved to Chicago and these stores are nothing like Forbidden Planet, but really who could compare to that store? I am just grateful this one is in walking distance from my stately manse where I reside in the town of boys.
Also! I took a weird way home today after my visit and found another comic book shop within walking distance so I will have to check out that place next Wednesday. I think I might start buying paperbacks only again, I go through phases of digital and paper. But how will I ever sell my comic book collection to make my first movie a la Kevin Smith if I only have digital copies of shit?
Okay, sorry about that “dear diary” bull sh*t. Let’s get into it.
FIRST OF ALL, Kelly Thompson wrote this shit, so I have high expectations okurr? I’m also digging the art so shouts to the artist, Pere Perez, too.
This story starts with a brief, but beautiful collection of art that depicts the past tumultuous romance between Rogue and Gambit.
We get a brief prologue of a few rando mutants who are for some reason running low on their powers and running away from something scary chasing them. We don’t get to see what is chasing them because allofasudden we’re on the next page and good ol’ Storm is sitting at the control of the danger room in full costume.
I’ll never understand capes.
They don’t seem conducive for hand-to-hand combat, but I can see why they might be necessary for someone like Storm, because she basically wears a bathing suit as her costume, so if she gets cold she can use it as a blanket. Gambit is another story entirely.
So, Gambit comes strolling into the control room and he calls Storm “Stormy.” You know like the porn star that Trump had an affair with, or if you prefer like the baby Kylie Jenner birthed, whom she named after a porn star. ALL NORMAL THINGS.
Storm is like “don’t call me that you fu*king goon.” Then Gambit is all “No.” Then Storm is like “Rogue is in the danger room playing with Sentinals” So Gambit responds in the most Gambit-y way ever,
“Deal me in.”
He joins Pixie, Psylocke, Armor, and Rogue in the danger room. They fight this thing for what I imagine is about 10 seconds before a Sentinal smashes Rogue into the ground and Gambit flips out. Everyone is like “She has the powers of a Kree, dummy, she can handle this shit.” But he still swoops in on her dramatically to show that he loves her.
Why do dudes show up in your life like this all the time? What is going on in-between their relationship with the girl they always go back to? THAT’S what I want to know.
Armor is like, “this is awkward let’s get the heck out of here.” Then Pixie is a creep and a half and she’s like “omg this is so hot.” And Psylocke is like “Let me tell you all about their relationship, ladies.” So they leave them on the floor with their googly eyes staring at each other.
But, Rogue for some reason does not want to get laid this day, so she pushes him off of her and he follows her out. Then he invites her to dinner and Rogue is like “no, weeee are never ever ever getting back togetherrr!”
But he won’t stop hounding her because he has no respect for women, so she hits him with the “I can’t control my powers anymore so we can’t touch” And now I know why she doesn’t want to get laid today because she physically cannot. That’s a really great excuse if you’re Rogue though. “Sorry, I can’t date you because if I kiss you, I could kill you. Bye.” It’s like when a girl you’re trying to get with tells you she’s been on her period for two years.
Did you forget about the brief prologue with the rando mutants? Ya me too.
So here’s why that whole thing happened.
Kitty calls Rogue into her office and tells her about a mission she wants Rogue to go on.
A private retreat that promises to free mutants of their “Trauma” V suspicious.
Also, I should note that Kitty’s ponytail is gone. Great news because this woman has to be like 35 by now.
The retreat is for mutant couples I guess, so that means Rogue and Gambit have to go. And it works extra well because it’s for couples with problems. Nice.
They fly out on a private jet with champagne, and we finally understand why Gambit has come back.
Rogue kissed Deadpool. Amazing. Gambit heard about it from the other mutants and his pride is very hurt because Deadpool “doesn’t even have a face.”
Rogue is like “I did not kiss him, I made out with him. And it was awesome.”
I’ll bet. Ryan Reynolds with or without scars, I’ll take it.
So they land, and before I go on I have to talk about this bitch’s outfit. Thigh-high leather boots, leather gloves up to her armpits and a bright green mini dress. NO way is that the least bit attractive. Gambit is wearing a normal short sleeve button up, a fitted pair of shorts and reasonable sneakers. And they’re landing here undercover, that shit is not undercover Rogue! She looks like a sex worker. No offense to sex workers.
Immediately upon landing, they meet this woman with a boring beige outfit who spices up her look with an ascot. Nice touch. And she senses their tension immediately, so the plan is working I guess.
They find their bungalow and it’s gorgeous. There’s champagne on the bed and you can see the ocean from the floor. They go outside and their neighbors swim over their gorgeous bungalow to say hello. They make plans to go for drinks later and Rogue is like “there’s something off about them, they’re nice.”
Gambit calls her cynical, but that’s because he’s dumb.
They head to their therapy session and Remy is like, “Rogue, this could really help us. I want to be with you, but you need to want to be with me, too.” And “Rogue is like, we’ll see.”
Then This Happens.
I can’t wait to read #2! Then #3 and I think that’s as far as it is out right now, but I’m not sure. I’m way late on this. If you’re not reading this series, I heard it only gets better and better. Also, let’s support Kelly Thompson as she is becoming a literal hero of mine and my favorite storyteller at Marvel.
Next Week – It’s Old Man Hawkeye #1. Cause you know how much I love Hawkeye. 🙂
So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.
This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.
Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.
Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.
His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.
I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.
He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.
So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.
He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”
So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.
In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.
He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-
After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.
He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.
He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”
Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.
But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.
He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.
So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.
He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.
So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”
And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.
His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.
Did I say that too late?
Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”
And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”
And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.
So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.
Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.
Oh yeah her name is Lindy.
Dumb fucking name.
Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.
So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.
Then he takes off, flying into the air.
So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.
I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.
ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.
Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?
Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.