Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

youtube.com/watch

In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

Will the Sinister Six appear in Spider-Man 3??

Anyone else beginning to think that the Sinister Six will be involved in the plot of Spider-Man 3?

If Mysterio is going to be in the next film, or “his presence” as noted by news sources, and Mysterio and the first villain, the Vulture, was also in the Sinister Six then it is a possibility.

Also! Since all of the universes are tied together now, technically we have seen Electro, Doc Ock and the Sandman as villains as well (other members of the sinister six)

The only missing member is Kraven the Hunter, who could definitely make his presence known in the beginning of the film or in one of the other upcoming marvel films.

Amiright or am I crazy? Cause I think I’m both.

– Follow Comic Book Betch for comic book news, comic book resources, and MCU updates.

Coming soon…

Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap

Heartbeat #1 comic book recap

Wow this one is bad.

Absolutely nothing happened in it.

I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.

They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.

That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.

I hope.

Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”

And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.

Anyways!!!

Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.

We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.

Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.

She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.

Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??

She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this

Mack: breathe you weirdo.

Eva: sorry

Mack: have you seen my sister?

Eva: no, but look over there.

Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.

Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.

This bitch is not Amber

That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?

So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.

So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!

You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.

Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.

Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.

Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.

Let the games begin!

It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.

She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.

When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.

Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!

She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.

Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?

This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once

She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?

I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???

The Empty Man Comic Book Recap issue #1

Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.

I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.

YIKES!

Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)

So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.

In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.

We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.

Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?

As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.

Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.

Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.

As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.

Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.  

Who me? 🤓

Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.

Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.

She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.

She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.

That’s just too many white people

Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.

After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.

Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.

Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.

That’s just female empowerment

As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.

Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.

Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.

Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.

Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.

The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”

Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.

Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?

What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?

Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.

It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.

I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy

Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.

The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”

He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.

So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.

Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH

I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.

Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??

OKAY!

TA-TA!!

Sentry

So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.

Probably.

This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.

Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.

Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.

His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.

I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.

He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.

So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.

IMG_0902

He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”

So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.

In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.

He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-

 

IMG_0905
PRESH!

 

After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.

He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.

 

old suit
Fatty.

 

He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”

Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.

But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.

He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.

So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.

 

IMG_0911
Rare pic of the “confluctor”

 

He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.

 

IMG_0909
Bad doggie, no!

 

So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”

And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.

His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.

IMG_0914

Trigger warning.

Did I say that too late?

Probably.

Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”

And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”

And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.

So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.

 

img_0910.png
Kinda still limp over there…

 

Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.

Oh yeah her name is Lindy.

Dumb fucking name.

Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.

So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.

 

IMG_0912
YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD A STAPLE YA FOOL?

 

Then he takes off, flying into the air.

So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.

I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.

ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.

Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?

Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.

That is all.

 

The Baddest Marvel Betches That Need Their Own Movies STAT

Women are people! Women are heroes! Wow! It’s crazy, but it’s true. Women are continuously making strides all around the world, and these triumphs stretch all the way into the comic book universe. Thanks to the successes of Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones and Supergirl headlining movies and TV shows, finally, the women of comic books are proving that anything men can do, women can do, too! Do you remember the epic failures that were Catwoman and Elektra? Well it’s now time that female characters must rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix force, and prove their  worthiness. Wonder Woman made it loud and clear that it is time and Marvel needs to step their game up. In case Marvel needs some help racking their brains for some good leading ladies, I’ve taken it upon myself to brainstorm some awesome women who are ripe for the box office.

wasp

  1. Wasp

Wasp is #10 because it would be hard to do a movie without the original Ant-Man extremely present. Imagine how good a Wasp / Ant-Man movie would be that is set in the 1960s?! There’s tons of “ will they/won’t they” in the beginning of their relationship. Hank didn’t think he was good enough for the rich and beautiful Wasp, while Wasp just wanted him to realize she loves him the way he is. The pair will have audiences rooting for their love all the while Wasp is beating the crap out of bad guys and Hank hangs out in a science lab. Together they save the world and each other. It’s a like a rom-com..ic book movie. It would also be the perfect Ant-Man prequel.

black cat

  1. Black Cat

Felicia Hardy has always been one of my personal favorites, so maybe I’m a little bias about her popularity and ability to draw in a big crowd. Argument in favor: Blade was a D-list comic book character but became an A-list movie. She’s at #9 because any movie that could truly do her justice would have to come with the rating R and I don’t know how cool Disney is with that.  Her origin story cannot leave out her traumatizing rape which compelled her to learn how to fight and later follow in the footsteps of her criminal father. Felicia has got a lot of issues and leaving those things out wouldn’t do the character justice. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, some of the best characters were made in the 90s and early 2000s because they were majorly flawed.

Valkyrie

  1. Valkyrie

So, there are two choices for Valkyrie: Brunnhilde or Samantha. Personally, I say, why not do both? Begin the movie with Brunnhilde being asked to lead a group of warrior goddesses by Odin in Asgard, which leads to some sort of battle where she is slain, but her soul is contained in a mysterious crystal (sound familiar?), where the soul is later combined with the human body of Samantha Parrington. Samantha must now juggle the issues in her old human life with her brand new powers. Voila! I just wrote the elevator pitch.

Spider-Woman

  1. Spider-Woman

Jessica Drew, the best Spider-Woman of all time, IMHO, has one of the most interesting origin stories starting from when she was a child growing up on a uranium farm, to her father injecting her with arachnid’s blood to save his ailing child (From the uranium poison that he brought upon her. The way she discovered her long dormant powers wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for her either. Her struggle to be good or evil is also heavily prevalent. She’s one of the most unique superheroes of all time. Fight me. A movie about her would also be heavy with nerd-gasm inducing cameos by major marvel characters, like her friends Black Widow, Nick Fury and Daredevil…Hmmm if only those characters were relevant today…
carole danvers

  1. Captain Marvel

This feminist icon grew up with a father who treated her as if she were inferior to her two brothers. This girl had to make it on her own, and she did it better than I could. She started by joining the air force and killing it there to becoming head of security at NASA. After working for NASA and being demoted, she wrote a tell-all book about her personal victimization and was villainized afterwards. (I wonder where the writers got that inspiration from?!) Her life is already interesting enough to capture an audience that the story of how she got her Kree powers is almost gratuitous.

J Law

  1. Mystique

Basically any part of Mystique’s life could be recreated into a movie. The problem with Mystique is she’s almost too interesting. Mystique has lived so long and done so much that a movie about her could stretch into being 500 hours long. There could be a movie about how she met Nightcrawler’s demon father while she was married to a Baron. Or the story of how she became the adoptive mother of Rogue. Or how she created her own brotherhood of mutants without the help of Magneto… the point is Mystique has done a lot more than be Magneto’s right hand woman.

X-2302

  1. X-23 / Wolverine

She already had an origin story told from Old Man Logan, so I think we need to see her 10 or so years in the future in a spin off movie. Picture this: Laura Kinney dons the Wolverine moniker, fashions a costume of blue and yellow, and takes after good ol’ dad.

Tigra

  1. Tigra

This movie would be so good. As a college sophomore, Greer Nelson drops out of school at the insistence of her lame cop boyfriend only for said cop boyfriend to get killed. This forces her to take a job as a lab assistant. If you work in a science lab you have no choice but to become a superhero, those are just the facts. Tigra gains amazing cat-like abilities, then there is a mysterious explosion where she finds her mentor dead, forcing her to spring into action and find out what really went down and why. I think a good foe for her character would be Kraven the Hunter, since they are both hunters and rely on instinct.

Domino

  1. Domino

This would be such an easy movie to make I’m surprised it hasn’t been done yet! Exactly like Wolverine and Deadpool, she’s a weapon X program gone wrong, and she goes out on her own fighting as a mercenary before finding some friends to team-up with. Birds of a feather make major box-office hits. Neena Thurman is a child born to the US government as basically, a science experiment (normal) but she is one of the only survivors of the experiments (normal), then she was stolen by a cult that worshipped the mutant she got her powers from and was later delivered to a priest where she was raised until her powers formed (abnormal). Okay screenwriters that’s 30 minutes I just gave you right there.

storm

  1. Storm

Ororo Monroe was left homeless and orphaned at 5 years old. Luckily she was found by a street gang and taken under their wing where she became an excellent thief. Who would have thought the resident good girl of the X-Men began her career as a common thief? Ororo was later taken in by a tribe woman after her powers had emerged and this tribe woman taught her to be a hero in a world of evil. She became a goddess to this tribe because ya know she can control weather, and eventually she has to go toe-to-toe with another weather manipulator, Deluge. The movie is already laid out: Parents dead. She’s taken in by someone who trains her. She realizes what she’s been doing is wrong and learns her lesson. She learns to wield her powers. Then proves herself by winning a huge battle where something or someone is saved. And here’s the last scene of the movie:

giphy-downsized

Boom.

Spider-Men II

Sorry to all my millions of fans for this long hiatus, my life changed dramatically, but what didn’t change is my love for comic books so I’m back now and ready for action. And as promised that last time I wrote, I have more Spider-Man to talk about. This time we’ve got a team up from alternate worlds! It is the Peter Parker and Miles Morales team-up of the century!! This story begins with both of them having been tied up and hung upside down together. I have no idea what they did to get themselves into this mess, but they must be dealing with some very nice criminals to spare their lives like that. Miles saves the day by performing one of his “mega venom” blasts. Unfortunately, the criminals just barely get away on their jet plane and Peter blames Miles for this. What a jerk.

miles
Miles has the better costume so Peter can eat dirt

Oooo, so this book is one of those look what’s happened and let’s keep you on a string and then we’ll go back and tell you how this happened. Sounds good to me. I love that storytelling trick. I mean, there’s only about two ways to start a comic book if you really think about it.

So now that we’re in the story we begin with Peter doing a quick computer search looking for Miles Morales, the one from his universe that is. Because Miles Morales actually lives in a different universe from the Peter Parker we know, and in Miles’ universe Spider-Man was killed and so Miles decided “Hey, I can do that. Honor his memory and kick butt and whatnot, plus I’ll get a cooler costume.” BUT in alive Peter’s universe he wants to know if Miles exists there. And I think he does, because the next page Miles is rushing into class ten minutes late with a freshly printed term paper in hand. Printers are so annoying and unreliable. When will we stop cloning sheep and start making printers not suck?!

But I digress…

Now that Miles is safe in class, Peter is in danger fighting some huge armadillo. Yes. A huge armadillo. Something along the lines of “Armadillo-man.” I don’t know. I would make more fun of this, except that Peter seems to be very self-aware of the joke of a criminal he’s fighting against and pokes fun at him the whole time.

FLASH to Miles. He notices a girl from his class for the first time. As if he’s seeing the world with fresh eyes. As it turns out Miles has known her all year and only noticed her today because she wore a pink hat. Cute. But isn’t that how it goes? One day you look at someone and you’re like hmph, I never realized this person is attractive. Especially when you’re preoccupied with saving the world on a near-daily basis.

Suddenly a giant iron ball falls in the middle of Miles’ campus and interrupts his conversation with “Barbara.” He swings into action and meets up with Peter on a building in the city immediately. They follow the iron balls into a warehouse, a familiar warehouse. It’s the warehouse where they first met. Because Mysterio was going in and out of universes and then apparently the universe they’re now in is the universe of all universes. I don’t know but I’m just going to nod along and pretend I know what they’re talking about.

Why do these writers even bother coming up with these crazy ideas? Let’s just accept the fact that Superheroes don’t die and don’t age and be happy. Stop making up crazy universes and moving mutants through time. Or don’t. Actually definitely don’t. I feel smart when I talk to people about this kind of stuff in comic books because it confuses them. I TRICKED THEM ALL.

WOW! You guys should buy this comic book, the taskmaster just showed up to smoosh these little spiders.

THEN….

SOMEWHERE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE…

An all grown-up Miles Morales comes back home to his mansion from walking his little fluffy puppy and a lady in a white dress tells him that he’s got to go to New York because the Taskmaster just showed up. And Miles, with his scarred up, “I’ve seen it all” face, is not too pleased with this development.

miles morales older
I fink u fweeky n i like u a lot

This was a good one. Two good characters team-up, one that’s really funny and one that has girl drama, it’s the perfect buddy-cop scenario. It’s also funny that they have the same name. Not knowing who is talking to whom will be RIPE for hijinks to ensue. “Hey Spider-man, not you, Spider-man!”

I can tell I’m gonna like this one. I bet their going to have a falling out and not be friends and try to solve the case on their own, and then they’re going to be friends again and team-up to save the day. If I’m right, everyone owes me $1.

Spider-Man #1 – Master Plan

I have no idea what this book is going to be about as a I pick it up, but as I’m still riding that Spider-Man Homecoming high, I just don’t even care at this point, because if it has Spider-Man on it I want to get my hands on it!

The cover is classic Spidey web-slinging through the city with a masked goon behind him and there’s a menacing man in a black mask and a shnazzy hat in the background watching over him… ya know, menacingly. Menace. Menace. Now it just sounds and looks wrong right?

According to the intro, Peter Parker is still in high school, so I’m guessing this comic book is movie influenced. Them writers givin the people what they want. I get it. Like, if you saw that movie and loved it and decided hey, I’m going to start reading comic books and then you picked up something where he is damn near thirty and divorced you’d be like wha?

Okay, so after the first few pages you’re not going to believe this, but Spidey saves a car from these two burglars and he’s squatting on top of it in the alley while the owner runs up and calls him a, JUST GUESS! A MENACE. I write as I am reading and that slayed me. Oh, you don’t think that’s funny? You are wrong.

Anyways, Spider-Man is slinging through town stopping a butt-load of crimes, he’s definitely going to be late to the show he was heading towards. It’s literally crime after crime after crime so Peter decides to ask one of the goons what’s up, and it turns out every criminal in the english-speaking world (and some dutch) got anonymous tips to do their crimes all around the city…except…and thanks to Spidey’s special suit that has the internet for some reason…he realizes there are no crimes around Stark Tower.

BAM! That’s where he’s got to go.

Spider-Man can’t help but stop every crime he sees along the way though. That is so classic Spider-Man, but I never realized how annoying that is about him. Like, let some shit go. If Aunt May told you to meet her at 7pm for dinner, meet her at 7pm for dinner don’t go around following that spidey-sense of yours until 8:15, old ladies can’t eat that late!

Spider-Man finally makes it to Stark Tower and he IMMEDIATELY finds the bandit. The bad guy was legit on the same floor that Spider-Man lept into. How many floors are in that place? And how lucky are you to hop in through the exact window that faces a Stark vault? How well does this spidey-sense of his really work? And do you remember my Superior Spider-Man recap?! If you don’t, Black Widow downloaded his p owers so they could be copied and gave them to S.H.I.E.L.D.! Are you feeling the same anxiety I am feeling, yet??

giphy-downsized (1)
Hmmm…maybe there’s nothing to worry about after all.

Spidey battles Crime Master, as we all scratch our heads and wonder how Stark Tower could be left so heavily unguarded that one nerd wearing, in what I can only imagine is, a sock on his head, could break in followed by a guy dressed in bright red and blue pajamas and nobody bats an eyelash. Iron Man? Nowhere to be seen. Happy? Not around. The Avengers? Nope! Maybe they’re in space! Who knows!?

crime master
sock face

Peter ends up missing the show he wanted to see and already bought the ticket for, and this makes me really sad. He keeps talking about “looking at the bright side” through his disappointment as he slumps away with the most disappointed of faces and I want to burst into tears. I just want this little boy to have a normal life! Does anyone care?!

Then he saves a cat in a tree and gets insulted by a fat kid.

AND THAT’S HOW THEY ENDED THE COMIC!

Seriously. We got trolled.

Thankfully they peppered in an extra little story with an excerpted reprint of when the original Spider-Man fought the vulture in 1963.

I won’t bore you with the details, but at the end of the issue Peter sells his Vulture/Spider-Man battle photos to J.Jonah Jameson for a crap ton of money. So much money, in fact, that he pays the rent on his Aunt May’s place in Queens for an entire year.

I have decided I would like to get into the business of photography now that this information has become available to me. 

nerd
Can I take some pics of you? It’s for my spank-ba…I mean the school newspaper.