Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch can travel through multiverses!

uhhhh what!!!

Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!

I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.

But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭

Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?

I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.

But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?

Am I thinking way too much into this??

Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.

Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories

Season Finale of My Podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra!!

Click below to listen to my podcast on Spotify. This week we talked about Lady Gaga’s dogs, the stimulus package (what stimulus package?), No Way Home theories and of course, WandaVision!!

open.spotify.com/episode/3u0EDsk0xFv8Axus2oQCsZ

Will the Sinister Six appear in Spider-Man 3??

Anyone else beginning to think that the Sinister Six will be involved in the plot of Spider-Man 3?

If Mysterio is going to be in the next film, or “his presence” as noted by news sources, and Mysterio and the first villain, the Vulture, was also in the Sinister Six then it is a possibility.

Also! Since all of the universes are tied together now, technically we have seen Electro, Doc Ock and the Sandman as villains as well (other members of the sinister six)

The only missing member is Kraven the Hunter, who could definitely make his presence known in the beginning of the film or in one of the other upcoming marvel films.

Amiright or am I crazy? Cause I think I’m both.

– Follow Comic Book Betch for comic book news, comic book resources, and MCU updates.

Heartbeat #1 comic book recap

Wow this one is bad.

Absolutely nothing happened in it.

I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.

They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.

That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.

I hope.

Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”

And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.

Anyways!!!

Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.

We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.

Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.

She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.

Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??

She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this

Mack: breathe you weirdo.

Eva: sorry

Mack: have you seen my sister?

Eva: no, but look over there.

Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.

Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.

This bitch is not Amber

That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?

So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.

So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!

You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.

Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.

Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.

Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.

Let the games begin!

It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.

She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.

When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.

Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!

She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.

Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?

This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once

She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?

I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???

Hit Girl Season Two Issue #9 Recap

Hit-Girl is finally going to India!

I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.

Or were we?

I digress.

Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.

Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!

We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.

What kinda fucking breakfast is that?! You want these kids shitting all over the walls?!

Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?

She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.

But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.

So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.

“I’m a collector of three-limbed children. Hmm yes, just another rich man’s hobby!”

The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.

Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.

Nice necklace lock.

She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.

A thirteen year old girl just sliced a man’s forehead in front of us! COOL!! That will not scar us for life at all!!!

Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.

It’s not a sex thing? So like he’s totally not interested in little boys in a sexual way? Would he be sexually interested if you were missing a limb? He would. Okay yeah it’s a sex thing. Everything is a friggin sex thing.

He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?

Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.

So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.

The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.

The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.

Technically they have, too.

Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.

CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS

A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.

Why is everybody so mad at prostitutes?!

The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”

And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.

CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.

Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if he survived and just got mutilated and then joined that gang she’s trying to find, and then he comes back like you did this to me!! And she’s like Whoaaaa!! WHOAAA!!!

Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.

She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.

WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING LONG RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS SASHES BEHIND YOU?!

She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?

No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.

Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.

The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”

The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.

Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”

Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.

Do you think the guy in the third panel is stuttering “nah-new” or saying “Ca-new?” Like canoe. “I canoe it!!!”

She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.

She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.

CUT TO: rich guys place

The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”

Wow you’re missing half a finger. Yeah that’s a reason to go around cutting limbs off of homeless boys in Mumbai. I’ve never heard of a reason that someone WOULD start cutting limbs off of people so this seems reason enough. Geeze, villains don’t even need a strong motive anymore.

BUM BUM BAHHH

So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!

Baii!!!!

The Empty Man Comic Book Recap issue #1

Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.

I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.

YIKES!

Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)

So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.

In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.

We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.

Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?

As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.

Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.

Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.

As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.

Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.  

Who me? 🤓

Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.

Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.

She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.

She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.

That’s just too many white people

Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.

After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.

Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.

Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.

That’s just female empowerment

As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.

Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.

Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.

Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.

Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.

The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”

Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.

Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?

What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?

Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.

It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.

I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy

Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.

The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”

He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.

So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.

Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH

I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.

Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??

OKAY!

TA-TA!!

Comic Book Recap: Dead Kings #1

So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.

Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.

The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.

Are these monsters or robots? Orr???

As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.

We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.

YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!

We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”

So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.

Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.

Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.

Bye Lev!

Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.

What’s up with that dudes pinky finger?

So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?

The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.

We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!

Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.

Ah she used to be a transformer.

Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”

Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.

He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.

The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”

Tell Mama, I’m sorry

Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.

They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!

BUM BUM BUHHH

And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.

Loved it Aftershock, give me more.

Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.

Iron Fist – The Living Weapon #1

Iron Fist, the Living Weapon.
Hmmm…
At the end of the day aren’t we all just living weapons?

Hey nerds.

What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.

I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.

At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.

This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …

“THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST!”

Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.

Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.

He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.

It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.

Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.

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WOWZA!

The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.

Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.

HE PUNCHES THE HELICOPTER AND IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.

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I’m sorry perhaps you missed the part where he punches a helicopter so hard it explodes.

The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.

Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”

She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.

Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.

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ADORABLE!! But why are the monks sending a 7 year old child to NYC? Like, oh you’re gonna love the big city, Lilly, tons of piss on the street, hookers, and heroin!

She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.

Then this happened.

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NOOOOOO!!!!

Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”

Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.

I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.