Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

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This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

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In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Invincible

I just started watching Invincible yesterday and I already watched all 7 episodes out now.

It is safe to say that I am obsessed with this show. I read the comic a few years ago and then fell off of reading it. I can’t wait to go back and re read everything now!

The tv show is dark and dangerous and really really fucking gross with all of the blood and gore, but that’s what makes it so good.

Invicible’s Steven Yuen can really deliver those one-liners like a pro, and I have to say, it makes me really happy to see an Asian superhero. idk many others, especially not ones you find in mainstream media.

I’m sure there is something gross and fetish-y out there with Asian super women because white men dominate the comic book industry. But that’s another topic entirely.

I really also like that they got Asian actors to voice their Asian characters, it seems like such a small thing but it makes a big impact. It’s upsetting when POC are portrayed by white people on television, even if they’re just lending their voices.

Anyways, I can’t wait to watch more. Are you watching Invincible?

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, nerd news, nerd opinions, invincible news, and fangirl bull shit.

Heartbeat #1 comic book recap

Wow this one is bad.

Absolutely nothing happened in it.

I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.

They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.

That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.

I hope.

Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”

And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.

Anyways!!!

Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.

We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.

Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.

She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.

Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??

She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this

Mack: breathe you weirdo.

Eva: sorry

Mack: have you seen my sister?

Eva: no, but look over there.

Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.

Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.

This bitch is not Amber

That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?

So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.

So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!

You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.

Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.

Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.

Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.

Let the games begin!

It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.

She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.

When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.

Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!

She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.

Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?

This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once

She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?

I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???

Hit Girl Season Two Issue #9 Recap

Hit-Girl is finally going to India!

I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.

Or were we?

I digress.

Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.

Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!

We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.

What kinda fucking breakfast is that?! You want these kids shitting all over the walls?!

Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?

She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.

But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.

So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.

“I’m a collector of three-limbed children. Hmm yes, just another rich man’s hobby!”

The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.

Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.

Nice necklace lock.

She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.

A thirteen year old girl just sliced a man’s forehead in front of us! COOL!! That will not scar us for life at all!!!

Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.

It’s not a sex thing? So like he’s totally not interested in little boys in a sexual way? Would he be sexually interested if you were missing a limb? He would. Okay yeah it’s a sex thing. Everything is a friggin sex thing.

He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?

Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.

So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.

The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.

The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.

Technically they have, too.

Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.

CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS

A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.

Why is everybody so mad at prostitutes?!

The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”

And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.

CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.

Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if he survived and just got mutilated and then joined that gang she’s trying to find, and then he comes back like you did this to me!! And she’s like Whoaaaa!! WHOAAA!!!

Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.

She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.

WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING LONG RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS SASHES BEHIND YOU?!

She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?

No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.

Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.

The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”

The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.

Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”

Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.

Do you think the guy in the third panel is stuttering “nah-new” or saying “Ca-new?” Like canoe. “I canoe it!!!”

She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.

She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.

CUT TO: rich guys place

The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”

Wow you’re missing half a finger. Yeah that’s a reason to go around cutting limbs off of homeless boys in Mumbai. I’ve never heard of a reason that someone WOULD start cutting limbs off of people so this seems reason enough. Geeze, villains don’t even need a strong motive anymore.

BUM BUM BAHHH

So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!

Baii!!!!

Moth & Whisper comic book recap issue #1

This is gonna be a fun one, guys.

I know this one has been out for a few months. The current issue out right now is #3, but I only recap #1 comic books so…yeah, I’m gonna do that.

Moth & Whisper by one of my new favorites, Aftershock comics, is about two thieves. It was written by Ted Anderson with art done by Jen Hickman, I should also mention they were co-creators/collaborators. So yeah.

You what’s wrong with your shoulder?

The comic book begins by introducing the two super thieves, Moth & Whisper.

It goes on to explain that Moth is a chick who can change faces and steal people’s things by bumping into them and then turning into a new person so you can’t find her. She leaves behind a calling card which is of a Moth.

Dis her

Dis her too

Whisper works just as well and in a similar manner except no one has ever seen his face. True or fake, they literally don’t even know he was there. Sometimes the only way you knew who you were robbed by because he would leave behind a calling card of a skull with a hand over his mouth. He also exposed government secrets so that was his thing apparently.

Excuse me sir, you ain’t holding on to your shit correctly

After we get introduced to these thieves we move to a new set of what seems like the bad guys. They’re insulting each other and talking about owning the black market on firearms. So yeah definitely bad guys. And most likely European. Because who needs a black market when anyone get a gun in America? No matter your criminal background, psychological background, or what have you, you can just get a gun. A machine gun even! If you can afford military grade weapons then by George you can get one!!

Nice scarf! Ooo hey someone is watching you!

I digress.

Back to Moth & Whisper. These thieves had no ties and they would steal from anyone who paid them. They had even been told to steal from each other. However no one had heard of them or seen a calling card from them in 6 months and people believed that they were gone and there was no one who could ever replace them.

In the next scene we see a woman behind a man and she is talking to him. She has just slipped some important files into his pocket. He is like “thanks, so you’re moth? You don’t look how I thought you would.” And she’s like “yeah.” Then he goes, “well let me get you the rest of your payment…” And she’s like “already got it, peace out.” And he’s like “wait up did you read what is on these files.” And she’s like “Um, no. It’s not my business.” Then she ducks out and changes outfits/faces/hair/everything. She emerges as the Whisper.

I can see you!!!

The Whisper has been hired by a seedy looking bunch. And the main guy is like “where’s my shit?” Whisper hands it over and the guy is like “Weird you took this job since last time you got into a firefight (whatever that is) with half my guys.” Whisper is like fuck. The main guy goes on to say that Whisper sold the details of his convoy to this guy’s rivals. Whisper is like hmm double fuck, “How do you know I was the leak?” The main guy is like “shut up, you’re caught. Then there is this bright white light and a bunch of smoke and the henchmen all scramble around to find the Whisper. However, Ol’ Whispy took a dude hostage and is about to get away.

Hugs for everyone! No? Just this guy then!

The Whisper shoots some people and runs the heck out of there. Once outside he calls on his suit to make an emergency change as he runs out into the streets.

Omg where are your pants??

The henchmen run out after the Whisper and find nothing. She already turned and jumped onto the subway. BYE FELICIA! DON’T WAIT UP!

Anyways this girl who is both the Moth & Whisper is on the subway thinking to herself about how badly she fucked up. She’s like “I should’ve known Haag was after Whisper. I gave away the drive without getting payment first, I’m a fucking idiot.” I’ll say.

She heads back to a safe house that is creepy AF.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a pair of bike shorts? You are not a Kardashian. This makes no sense to me.

Once inside, she tells the suit to remove itself from her body and put her back to normal. And as she removes her mask, she wonders how her mom and dad did all this thievin so good!

As legend would have it the Moth & Whisper are enemies but its not true. They were partners/lovers and they ended up having a child with blonde hair which makes absolutely no sense because Moth is black and Whisper is a white person with black hair. Look at the kid.

I wish I had a suit that told me to eat all the time.

Now look at the parents

Maybe they adopted? Adoption is normal.

WHY IS THE CHILD BLONDE?!

Anyways as Niki eats her fucking Top Ramen she replays an old video that her parents left her in that old “In case we go missing please watch” bags.

Basically in the video Niki’s parents tell her to stay in the safe house and not to go looking for them and that they will be back at some point. As it seems at this point they’ve been gone for six months. Shit is crazy. And now Niki is dawning Moth’s costume and doing some crazy ass shit for no reason. I guess if the kid isn’t in school she needs a hobby so whatever, I will not fault her this time.

Her parents left behind all these files on bad guys as well as a suit that allows Niki to go out and be whoever she wants, as well as a shit ton of weapons and some money, so apparently they want her to be them? IDK it seems like bad parenting but also there would be no book if the kid was just like “wow I have super spies for parents, okay night night.” END OF SERIES.

So Niki decides since she has all this crap and nothing but time she might as well find out who adult-napped her parents. Niki believes that the only person who has enough resources and hate against both spies is a man named Ambrose Wolfe so that is her target.

Interesting choice for a haircut, henchman with two fat triangles on your head.

He seems like a charming enough guy but Niki isn’t into him. She says her parents would never work for the guy because he was so awful. Ya know human trafficking and stealing organs is kinda weird. But anyways we leave on this powerful note.

I’m shaking

V Cool. V exciting. I wonder if her parents are going to come back or if they’re dead? I will be very disappointed if they are dead just because I would like to read a comic book about them. Maybe they will come out with a prequel and that would be very fun for me.

Anyways what did y’all think of this here comic book? YAY OR NAY? Let me know in the comments section!

Comic Book Recap: Dead Kings #1

So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.

Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.

The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.

Are these monsters or robots? Orr???

As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.

We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.

YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!

We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”

So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.

Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.

Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.

Bye Lev!

Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.

What’s up with that dudes pinky finger?

So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?

The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.

We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!

Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.

Ah she used to be a transformer.

Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”

Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.

He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.

The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”

Tell Mama, I’m sorry

Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.

They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!

BUM BUM BUHHH

And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.

Loved it Aftershock, give me more.

Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.

Comic Book Recap: Hit-Girl #3

Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.

Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.

The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.

Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.

ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.

She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”

Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.

Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”

 

Screenshot 2018-04-27 at 11.04.06 PM
Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.

Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”

Which is probably true.

Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”

So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!

 

screenshot-2018-04-28-at-12-38-04-am.png
Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.

Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.

Mano is in a mood though.

Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL

Which is very true.

So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.

She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.

He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”

So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.

Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.

So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.

He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”

Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”

FAIR.

The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”

BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 12.59.33 AM
She gets it.

So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.

This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.01.54 AM
I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.

Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.

ANYWAYS.

Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.09.49 AM
BABY!

 

 

So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.

Hit-Girl is dead.

She was only human after all.

JUST KIDDING.

She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.11.52 AM

Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.13.23 AM

 

 

 

 

So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????

Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.

She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.

But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.20.00 AM
No, I don’t.

YIKES

Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL L.

So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.

Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.22.47 AM
Hello, Felicia.

She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.

Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.

The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”

And she’s all “yup.”

Bitch hadda good plan B.

They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.

I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.

So what’s next??

 

Screenshot 2018-04-28 at 1.26.45 AM.png
EVERYONE.

EVERYONE IS NEXT.

YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.

 

 

 

X-Men Red #1 Comic Book Review

I thought I had bought this comic book 20 times on accident because the complete cover is advertised on the back of every single Marvel Comic Book so far from 2018. It seems that Marvel really, really wants us to buy this one. So I figured it was important and picked it up.

X-Men Red is written by Tom Taylor and drawn by Mahmud Asrar. In this book, Jean Grey has risen from the Phoenix ashes and now leads an all-star cast of mutants, including Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Gentle, Namor, Trinary, and Honey Badger.

 

party squad
Squaddddd!!!!

 

The book begins with Jean waking up a little girl in the middle of the night. (creep) But not physically, but by speaking to her through her mind. (creep)

The little girl is warned that “They’re coming.” And sure enough, an angry mob carrying tiki torches busts down her house’s door. She jumps out of bed and out of her bedroom window onto the roof. All of these mob people, and it should be noted that they’re all white, are chasing after this little Asian girl calling her a “mutant.”

 

little girl jumps off roof
YES! IT WILL TAKE 40 PEOPLE AT LEAST TO TAKE DOWN THIS 60lb CHILD!!

 

She jumps off the roof and lands on the wet grass in the rain and starts running from the mob. She loses her footing somehow and the mob surrounds her. She pleads with them claiming that she is not a mutant, (liar) but her mom walks out with a gun in her hand and points it right at her daughter (cause she knows this lil bitch lyin right now). The little girl is like “wtf?! MOM!” And the mom DGAF and her and her mob friends start shooting their guns at her, because one gun couldn’t have taken out an 8-year-old girl, no at least five guns shot multiple times is necessary. Ask any unarmed black kid ever.

Luckily Jean Grey shows up with Nightcrawler and Wolverine and she uses her telekinesis or whatever and was able to stop the bullets with her mind.

 

saving babies
If the kid was running through muddy grass, how are her feet clean? Is this part of her mutant power? I guess we’ll find out…

 

Nightcrawler BAMFs them out of there and into Searebro, which is a place that a giant great white shark lives. The shark immediately tries to eat the little girl and she’s like “AHHH!” Then Honey Badger is all “that’s Harold, he won’t hurt you.” Ya fucking right Honey Badger.

Jean Grey addresses the little girl as “Heather.” She lets her know that she is safe with them now.

This book is Part 1 and it is titled: Heal The World. BY THE WAY.

Two months earlier a woman is minding her own business driving a car around Roosevelt Island in NYC when she gets carjacked by two thugs in masks with guns. Unfortunately for the thugs, the woman’s mutant baby is in the backseat and he freaks the fuck out. The baby’s cries are problematic. His cries manage to burst the windows of the car and all surrounding buildings.

Wolverine and Honey Badger are on the case. Honey Badger covers her ears with her hands while Wolverine simply bleeds from her ears. They reach the car and Wolverine puts her hand over the baby’s mouth which just makes it worse and the baby really freaks out. The scream is so piercing that the skin on Wolverine’s hand, where she placed it over his mouth, completely melts off.

Jean shows up and saves the day again. Like who needs heroes when we have Jean Grey? She’s really all we need. She calms the baby down and returns the baby to his mom and adds a psychic suggestion to the baby’s brain that he not cry so much. How about never, Jean?

 

jean grey clutches black baby
Enviable thigh-gap, terrible outfit.

 

Jean warns the mom that there will be public fallout from his screaming. Because if the baby ain’t a fetus it loses its rights.

The next scene is the news, both sides are arguing over the baby’s right to live. Like I said, once the fetus leaves the womb, it has no rights. Especially cause this baby is black. I should highlight this.

Jean Grey decides that she wants to change the world, so she travels all around the world getting people to help her cause. She also decides that she is not smart enough to heal the world, which is the smartest thing she could possibly decide so she gathers every genius that she can into one room and blows them all up.

I’m kidding.

She digs through their brains searching for ideas to “heal the world.”

Then she walks over to a cliff and calls Nightcrawler over to her with her thoughts. He BAMFs to her and she tells him to look over the cliff because she wants to share an idea with him. He goes to look and then she pushes him off the cliff.

I’m kidding.

No, he starts crying because the idea she shows him is so beautiful it brings him to tears. He offers to help her to make this idea a reality and she’s like “great, next step is I need to head to Atlantis.”

 

crybaby
blue crying baby ass bitch

 

So she goes to Atlantis wearing a zip-up hoodie, biker shorts, and dirty ass sneakers. She clearly is not trying to impress Namor and his 8-pack. She lets him know that she needs his help and he’s like “Bitch, Imma king, Ain’t nobody got time for dat.”

Then she’s like “I’m headed to the United Nations and I need a country to be behind me.”

And he’s like “is that all?! Well, okay.”

 

Should I have called first You could have put on pants at least
Probably cause you won’t even put on pants for them. 

 

So she heads on down to the United Nations wherever that is. Apparently, it is in New York City. Idk.

Jean walks up like a boss in a hot suit with her cleavage showing subtly in one frame then her tits are all out there in the next frame. Apparently, as she gets heated during arguments sometimes buttons fall open or something. She asks all the United Nations if mutants can be their own nation and if she can represent them. Her boobs seem to only impress the fake countries of Atlantis and Wakanda since they’re the only ones that stand up to acknowledge “the mutant nation.”

The Ambassador from the UK follows Jean Grey out of the hall once she’s done making her statement and they speak. It gets a little creepy because the UK ambassador starts saying weird shit like “you are not the Phoenix Jean Grey anymore you cannot rise” and shit especially got weird when her head exploded.

 

crunch
This picture isn’t doing the tits justice, but trust me they are there.

 

Obviously, it looked like Jean made her head explode, so the SWAT team that is there shoots her. But Namor jumps in front of her and stops the bullets with his chic bracelets a la Wonder Woman. I “Wonder” if he borrowed them? Heh. So Wolverine slices the gun the SWAT guy is holding in half then Nightcrawler swoops in and says we gotta go.

BAMF.

It turns out Cassandra Nova was behind the UK woman’s head exploding and was also inside her head controlling the shit she does.

You know how earlier I said that Jean was the only hero we need because she can beat anyone. Well, I guess Tom Taylor decided to give her a match worth fighting.

 

Doless Cassie
I almost uploaded a photo of Bullseye. Would anyone have noticed?

 

SCURRY.

How do you guys like the Red series so far?

What else are you reading?

Do you want me to read something first and then tell you your own opinions on it by letting you know my opinion?

Leave it in the comments and I’ll be sure to pick it up next Wednesday.

In the meantime, you can look forward to something other than Marvel the next two weeks because…wait for it…

I’M RECAPPING KICK-ASS AND HIT-GIRL!!!

YUP. Image type shit in this betch!!

You won’t want to miss it! Same time, same place: Next Saturday at 2 pm CT!!!!!!!