Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

wedding bells for some top tier Marvel characters!!

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Fuck Off Everyone

Eternals Fans Hungry For Blood After Post-Credits Scene Is Spoiled Online

Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?

So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.

After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING

A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.

Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?

Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.

Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.

I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.

I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.

LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.

I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.

I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.

Fuck off everyone.

XOXO – Comic Book Bitch.

Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland Rude To Blogger

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchiseI think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

DC finally decided to make The Flash Movie Happen

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️

Kingo Goes for a Sexy Ride in A Lexus

Eternals Star, Kingo, promotes Lexus cars to the imbecilic Marvel audience .

Kingo recently hit the road in his Lexus IS 500 sports sedan in a new promotional attempt between Marvel Studios and Lexus. The two-minute promo spot portrays Kingo as an idiot guy who would rather take a sports car to a battle when human lives are at stake, rather than use one of his borne super powers of flight or teleportation. Hell this moron could have ran super fast to the battleground! Instead, Kingo drives his flashy car and that gets him into quite the pickle as he can’t find a dern parking spot! Doh!

Kingo drives his stupid car through the streets as his teammates look worriedly around for their 10th member. As the battle rages on all around him he finds that he’s much more interested in finding a parking spot for his fancy car rather than help his friends or save the world. He receives a notification from Sersi to “hurry.” OBVIOUSLY. But Kingo dgaf. Not even a little bit, cause if there is flaming debris being chucked around, he can’t take the risk that it might hit his, most likely well-insured, vehicle.

As he continues to look for a safe place to park his Lexus S 500 sports sedan, his tiny little teammate, Sprite, calls him up and she sounds very concerned that he hasn’t arrived yet, and ya know they could really use his help against these extremely dangerous and formidable foes.

Kingo is like, “hey I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive, I need to concentrate on finding a parking spot. If you need help, maybe call an Avenger or something. Okay, take care, bye bye now.”

Well, can’t wait for the Eternals to release on November 5th! I really hope Kingo can find himself a damn parking spot!!

XOXO- ComicBookBitch.

-Check back often for all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and Eternals Movie Updates!

What If? Episode 5 Live Reaction

What If? Episode 5 LIVE REACTION!

WHAT IF? ZOMBIES!?

Hank Pym and friends are at it again. This time, instead of Hank murdering the entire Avengers team he brought a Zombie in from the Quantum Realm!?

How? Maybe a plot hole…OR MAYBE SOMEONE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE AND INTERFERED?

Poor Janet Van Dyne, can’t seem to catch a God Damn break.

Eternals’ Sersi: A Different Type Of Hoe.

Gemma Chan, who plays Sersi in the upcoming Eternals movie, revealed that Sersi is “not like other girls.”

“I think this is going to be a really different, special film,” Chan said in an interview with British Vogue.

Chan also brought up that the director is an East Asian woman, so she actually knows how to write characters that are women. Unlike previous directors who believed that Black Widow’s only power was to shake her ass and make out with dudes.

The Eternals movie is about 10 different superheroes, but, like, obviously it’s going to mostly be about how Sersi never wanted Robb Stark’s dick, and once she gets Jon Snow’s D, she’s like, “Actually, Now I think The Red Wedding was my fave episode.” Even Kevin Feige was quoted as saying that “if there was a lead in this ensemble it’s probably- wait, what did ya’ll say? Sersi? LOL. Wait, stop that can’t be right! It has to be Ajak, right? Hold up! Now you’re saying they cast Ajak as a fucking chick. Dude wtf. Someone is getting fired.”

Wow, Kevin. Just, wow.

Gemma Chan shot back at Feige by saying that “Sersi is not like other girls. She may not be the best fighter, but she’s an empath.”

To which Feige replied, “A what?”

Kevin Feige then asked Gemma why she looked so familiar, and she replied that she was in Captain Marvel. To which Feige replied, “You mean, Captain America?”

Can’t wait for November 5th!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and dumb bitch shit.