Ms. Marvel Season 1 Episode 2 : Crushed

So last week, I watched the first episode of Ms. Marvel. I was never excited about this show in the first place because I am a crotchety, old man, but one of my friends said it was amazing so I was excited to watch.

I fucking hated episode 1.

But that could be because I am still a crotchety, old man. So here goes episode 2.

It starts by Kamala walking into school with some BDE. She isn’t the same shy weirdo she was before. Now she is a bad bitch taking control of her life.

She runs into a really hot dude in a meet cute type of way and they lock eyes for just an instant long enough for us to get the idea that she wants to bang this dude.

THEN her nerdy friend runs into her in a less cute way, and then as an audience we’re like, ohhhhhh okay. This is a Kim Possible / Ron thing.

Even when the main character is a hot woman, she still ends up with the fucking loser. Jesus can’t WE ever win?

Skinny white men winning even out here in Pakistani-led tv series. SMH.

K, the scene is bleeding into the next one. Kamala and her nerd friend are walking down the halls as the kids look at their phones, presumably, the budget Captain Marvel display has hit the YouTubes.

We’re introduced to another one of her friends, and maybe we met her last episode. I don’t remember and I don’t care to look into it.

The popular girl, Zoey who Kamala saved last episode is bragging about almost dying and she decides to throw a party to celebrate her suicide ideation. And Kamala and Krew don’t fuckin care, that is until Zoey invites the hot guy that Kamala had a meet cute with earlier.

WERE THEY EVEN FUCKING INVITED. HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?

CUT TO: Kamala is practicing with her new power bracelet, she almost kills her white boy best friend, Bruno, and she saves him just before she kills him, but in a sexy way. Cause she cuddles him to the ground and then lets her arm stay around his waist for just a second longer than necessary.

This teen girl horny af.

Insert Montage of Kamala practicing her powers.

Then next scene Kamala is going to church with her friend, Not-Bruno. And it seems that being a Sheikh ain’t cool for ladies, cause they have to hide behind a partition and sit on moldy carpet to pray. WTFFFFF

Turns out white men ain’t the only ones who are shitty! Brown men are terrible too!

GREAT!

K TIME FOR THE NERDS TO PARTAYYYY!!!!

At Zoe’s house there are children everywhere and there is a sexy grotto for some reason. Some dude gives Kamala a drink and tells her its orange juice, but it is mixed with vodka and she takes a sip and immediately asks if she is drunk.

Is anyone that innocent at 16? I’m truly wondering, because I certainly was NOT.

ANYWAYS, the hot dude from the meet-cute earlier jumps from the top of a mountain in Zoey’s backyard into the sexy grotto, doing several flips in the air before he hits the water in a cringe-worthy belly flop.

He walks out of the water lookin all sexy with emoticons all around him before he ends up right in front of Kamala cause she is LUCKILY standing right on his shirt.

Unfortunately, the hot guy puts his shirt on and the cops come. Fortunately, hot guy has a car and he invites all the nerds to get in to escape the cops.

In the car ride, hot dude offers to take Kamala for a ride just them sometime and then they bond over Bollywood, and Bruno ain’t happy about it. I WONDER WHY.

Anyways, Hot Guy gives Kamala his number and offers to give her driving lessons. I’m sure that ain’t the only lesson he gonna give her. HEY-YOO

Next day at school Kamala has some issues with her powers and her nose turns into crystal. Luckily her best friend Nakia, who is super beautiful and fashionable btw hands her a tampon and everything is fine after that.

Meanwhile, Bruno is meeting with the school guidance counselor who has some good news. Bruno apparently applied for an immersion program at CalTech and he got in for next semester, but he doesn’t want to go cause it’s in California. WTF. Why you even apply then, idiot?

Bruno catches up with Kamala really quick to tell her about the CalTech thing, but she busy with the hot guy, Kamran.

THE NEXT SCENE MADE MY NERD BRAIN MELT BECAUSE KAMRAN AND KAMALA ARE DISCUSSING KINGO!!! THE FUCKING ETERNAL. The Eternal who dropped some comedic lines and dialogued plot points and then left the fucking battle…. BUT STILL I’M SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP! asdfghjkl!!!

Kamala’s brudduh and fiancee catch Kamala in a diner with Kamran, and Kamala lies to her brother and says Kamran is their cousin, which is gross cause Kamran was all up on her and they looked like they were about to touch tongue tips just before he walked up. Luckily her dumb ass brother didn’t notice but, his fiancee knew wtf was up.

So like the next part of the episode is about how the bangle who gives her powers belonged to her great grandmother Aisha who brought great shame upon their family, and no one wants to fucking tell her about it. She asks her grandma about it, and her grandma is like “Meh, I don’t wanna talk right now I’m tryna eat some mangoes, dawg.” So Kamala is like, erm, ok, I’ll ask my mom and her mom is like, weirdly angry about her asking. She’s all “that bitch brought shame to our family, don’t even bring up that hoe, I stg, I will throw hands.” So Kamala is like, “cool! thanks for not being cryptic at all!”

Ugh this show is long, but I think it’s almost over.

Kamala and her fam bam are headed to this Sheikh partayyy. Nakia is campaigning to get on the board of the mosque, so she gotta hit up all the cliques within the community. Those cliques are described to us in the SAME EXACT WAY Janis Ian (dyke) explained the lunch tables at the cafeteria in Mean Girls.

The Mosque Bros – bunch a hot hunks who like taking pictures of themselves and spinning basketballs on their fingers.

Pious Boys – Couple of nerds who are probably covert incels.

Sunday school Teachers – A semi-diverse group of old hags.

Insta Clique – a group of girls who don’t wear Hajibs and probably give BJs to the Mosque Bros after Sujud.

The Converts/Reverts- Three white people and a black guy who probably all married into the religion.

Mini Harami Girls – Okay, I literally googled this and Harami means coming from the Harem, which is like forbidden and banned. So these are some hoes.

The IlluminAunties – Illuminati of the 616 Universe. Busy bodies who probably have Steven Strange on speed dial.

Cut To: Zoe Zimmer getting questioned by the DODC.

Scene: FUCK DA POLICE.

Cut To: Kamala talking to the IlluminAunties about her great grandmother, Aisha. These aunties love talking shit and she hears that Aisha was a hoe and had a secret family and was also a murderer.

Now that’s the type of hoe I do like.

While Kamala is talking to the aunties, a dumb ass is hanging out of a window taking pictures of himself, and then he falls out the window, but luckily he grabs onto some curtain and that keeps him from straight up dying. Giving Kamala the chance to save him. The save is pretty damn messy and the kid ends up hurting his ankle somehow. But he fell on his back on a car. IDK. Plot holes.

The cops that were questioning Zoe end up coming after Kamala after her stunt, cause like, her spot was BLOWING UP on IG.

She runs away and then a nice ass car pulls up to pick her ass up, and inside it’s Kamran, her kissing cousin and his mama, who looks exactly like her great grandma. So now, it’s less kissing cousins and more kissing your uncle. Soooo…yeah….

WUTTTTT.

Okay, I gotta say I like this show now. Sure it’s not as fast-paced as Loki or whateva but it’s a different type a show. For tweens n stuff. And I am forever in a failure to launch mode so I am down for it.

They need to make another teen show like this but sexy like Gossip Girl and RiverDale.

And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

Dis daddy, ok?

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

You stink, you fucking twat!

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

Wook how wittle Wolverine is! ❤

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

He jumped, dummy.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

No caption needed for this one.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

Hey, you got some Schmutz on your face.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Um, can you please go fix your tie.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

wedding bells for some top tier Marvel characters!!

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Fuck Off Everyone

Eternals Fans Hungry For Blood After Post-Credits Scene Is Spoiled Online

Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?

So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.

After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING

A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.

Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?

Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.

Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.

I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.

I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.

LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.

I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.

I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.

Fuck off everyone.

XOXO – Comic Book Bitch.

Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland Rude To Blogger

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchiseI think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️

Kingo Goes for a Sexy Ride in A Lexus

Eternals Star, Kingo, promotes Lexus cars to the imbecilic Marvel audience .

Kingo recently hit the road in his Lexus IS 500 sports sedan in a new promotional attempt between Marvel Studios and Lexus. The two-minute promo spot portrays Kingo as an idiot guy who would rather take a sports car to a battle when human lives are at stake, rather than use one of his borne super powers of flight or teleportation. Hell this moron could have ran super fast to the battleground! Instead, Kingo drives his flashy car and that gets him into quite the pickle as he can’t find a dern parking spot! Doh!

Kingo drives his stupid car through the streets as his teammates look worriedly around for their 10th member. As the battle rages on all around him he finds that he’s much more interested in finding a parking spot for his fancy car rather than help his friends or save the world. He receives a notification from Sersi to “hurry.” OBVIOUSLY. But Kingo dgaf. Not even a little bit, cause if there is flaming debris being chucked around, he can’t take the risk that it might hit his, most likely well-insured, vehicle.

As he continues to look for a safe place to park his Lexus S 500 sports sedan, his tiny little teammate, Sprite, calls him up and she sounds very concerned that he hasn’t arrived yet, and ya know they could really use his help against these extremely dangerous and formidable foes.

Kingo is like, “hey I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive, I need to concentrate on finding a parking spot. If you need help, maybe call an Avenger or something. Okay, take care, bye bye now.”

Well, can’t wait for the Eternals to release on November 5th! I really hope Kingo can find himself a damn parking spot!!

XOXO- ComicBookBitch.

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