Deadpool: Back in Black

Yup. As it turns out Peter Parker’s pesky alien symbiote has taken another lover. In this lovely comic we are whisked back to the 80s and find out that Deadpool rocked the black costume WAY BEFORE or at least ya know, right before, Peter Parker did. Deadpool is cool like that.

Our story begins where Peter and alien symbiote’s ended. Peter Parker is crying under that bell like a little…buhhh—spider. And the symbiote is like “this dude’s a p*ssy I got getta the eff out of here.” So the alien takes Peter away from the bell and hides under the floorboards waiting for another host in a church cause he’s like “I’m DONE hanging out with that guy.”

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He finds a way nicer friend.

He soon finds love with a kind janitor who feeds him his dead wife’s stale candy. BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE’S A SPACESHIP. His alien family bombs the church, so he saves his janitor friend from the explosion by wrapping his body around the old man saving him! The aliens descend from the ship looking like an 80s rock band. All of this basically pushes the janitor into having a stroke. AND HE DIDN’T TAKE HIS DAMN PILLS THIS MORNING. ARE YOU CRYING BECAUSE I’M SOBBING!! He said “I j-just didn’t think I would be attacked by aliens today.” SOBBING. THE OLD JANITOR WITH THE DEAD WIFE WHO BEFRIENDED AN ALIEN IS GONNA DIE FROM A STROKE!!! I CAN’T.

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If you are not crying right now you have no soul

Meanwhile, the alien has to find someone to bond to it and we catch up with Deadpool and Machine Man who are at a club and Machine Man is being mind-controlled or something. Idk. I just got here too.

Also, Deadpool gouged out his own eyes so there’s that. Must have something to do with the mind control. Like a Medusa but with minds thing. The symbiote is chilling in the rafters above the club while Deadpool blindly dodges Machine Man’s uncontrollable blasts.

A bunch of dudes in hoods are at the club, and they’re white guys so you know they’re up to something. Deadpool takes out his guns and shoots them using his “sense of smell” since he doesn’t have eye sight. He manages to miss every single one of these naz–uh whoever these guys are, so he just throws his gun at them. GOOD PLAN B.

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This bitch.

Deadpool’s eyes start to heal and grow back as Machine Man pulls him into Dansen Macabre’s mind-controlling gaze.

Luckily our symbiote comes to our hero’s rescue. Is Deadpool our hero? Or is the alien? I really liked that janitor….

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Brains? Does Machine Man have organs?

Deadpool + symbiote almost kills Machine Man, but stops himself and turns his attention on the white guys in hoods.

With the help of his symbiote suit, he is able to conjure out many black tentacles in which to grab several guns and shoot everyone who surrounds him.

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Deadpool in the middle of every POC’s nightmare

But this power that Deadpool is feeling is not a new feeling he remembers an old mission in which he found the symbiote which he hoped would improve his costume.

But it was lyke, ya know, an alien so he decided to pawn it off on Spider-Man instead. Deadpool believes that suit imprinted on him and found his way back to him…Deadpool gains web shooting powers and he is very excited that he is able to “thwip” now.

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Not every little boy’s first reaction.

Also there was some statue there I forgot to mention. I guess it was worth money and Deadpool wanted to sell it, but Machine Man didn’t because it belonged in a museum or something. So Deadpool leaves the statue next to a passed out Machine Man to protect. Luckily he wakes up before it gets stolen again. SPOILER. oh. I should have said that first.

ANYWAYZ the aliens who blew up the church are still looking for the symbiote and they catch on to his scent and find out that he’s playing “super hero” again. HAHAHAHA NO. THESE BITCHES DON’T EVEN KNOW. He’s playing “mentally ill mercenary who likes to kill people and can’t be killed.” That game is way more fun. It’s like he was playing apples to apples which is mad fun but now he’s playing cards against humanity.

Oh Deadpool, will you ever disappoint me? Is it possible you could? No, No you could not.

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FAV!!

Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe AGAIN!!?

If it worked the first time around, then it will probably work the second time around, right? This is just the rehashing of the same idea. No work was done here. But let’s see for ourselves, shall we?

The cover art has Deadpool holding up paper dolls that are colored in so they look like different heroes…Iron Fist, Captain America, Spider-Man, Wolverine, and the Punisher is there too and he’s about to get his paper head chopped off by a pair of scissors Deadpool is holding. WHO THINKS OF THIS STUFF? GENIUSES.

The story begins with Gambit laying on a table, white faced, full of blood and with a sword sticking right through him. There are two detectives speaking out of page about his death. From the context of their conversation one of the people investigating this crime is an X-Man.

In the next scene Deadpool and some X-Men, who are technically the Avengers, are fighting M.O.D.O.K. Wow that was really annoying to type. He should delete some of those periods from his name. Anyways Deadpool freezes mid-fight into some sort of trance while M.O.D.O.K claims that Deadpool is under his control. But he murders him, and then goes on to murder all of his teammates…accidentally. He’s all mind-controlled or something and thinks his teammates are actually his enemies. Oops. THere also seems to be a printing mistake in my book. Anyone elses book have this? It’s supposed to be a continued scene spread over two pages but they make it front to back. Makes little to no sense. Maybe this book will get recalled or something and I’ll be the owner of some editor’s fuck-up that is eventually worth $100,000 … or like $1,000,000 because inflation and the future. YAY IM RICH!

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Wow. This is intense.

So lots of heroes are dead and everyone is whining about it and they’re calling him “a serial killer.” And he murdered a bunch of people and he left a calling card of his symbol emblazoned on the floor, so he definitely fits the profile. I think they have their first suspect. Oh I should probably mention the B-list characters who are hunting him are The Punisher, Kate Bishop, Misty Knight, Jessica Jones, Cable and Moon Knight. AMAZING DETECTIVE WORK.

Deadpool is back home…or his airbnb…idk where he is. He’s having more illusions…like getting a special assignment from Nick Fury.

Meanwhile over at the Aegean Sea, a bunch of Gods and Demi-Gods have gathered together in a group like a bunch of sheep waiting to get eaten by a wolf.

And the wolf appears in a toga, he plays a little volleyball- but oh no that is not a volleyball it’s actually medusa’s head and he accidentally or on purpose turns everyone to stone. 

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Goodnight Thor n friends 🙂

The group of B-list detectives break into Deadpool’s stinky Airbnb and look for clues. They find a book full of files on the weaknesses of superheroes, and immediately know that’s our guy. However, Jessica finds a note from Deadpool that spells out “Help Me” in noodles. COINCIDENCE?! Jessica does not think so. Someone is controlling Deadpool and forcing him to murder all the heroes. YIKES

And if you turn the page, which I did, I found out that Deadpool is UNDER someone else’s control. AND if you turn that page you find out who it is!

Lovely! Can’t wait until Issue #2 when he murders Spider-Man!

What did you guys think of this one? How does it differ from the other Deadpool kills the Marvel Universe? And has anyone picked up Squirrel Girl beats up the marvel universe?

Deadpool Week!

Hey kids! It’s Deadpool week! (I decided, officially.) We just celebrated two weeks worth of Spider-Man on accident, so now it is time for Spider-Man to step down from his throne and bend the knee to a different masked crusader. I have tons of reviews coming up such as; “Deadpool Too Soon?” “Deadpool Back in Black” and “Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe AGAIN!!” WOW I CAN’T WAIT! Can you??