It’s X-Men #16 recap time! I’m sure you are all still on the edge of your seat’s from last month’s X-Men #15 recap, this one is a lot less intense! If you consider taking a really long time to pick your kid up from the playground intense.
Written by Jonathan Hickman
Cover Art by Leinil Francis Yu
Penciller Phil Noto
In the last issue Jean and Cyclops had to convince the Quiet Council of letting them pick up their son from the Otherworld. In the end the council said no you can’t and they were like whatever, bye.
It seems that the story was continued in another comic’s storyline, but it wasn’t Cable’s so I have no idea what happened between then and now, but I will tell you that Jean and Cyclops are now with their son Cable and Cable isn’t being a baby backed bitch anymore who doesn’t know how to kill bitches like what happened in Cable #6 when he started crying.
Apparently the two islands that the two mutant groups live on, Arrako and where our heroes live, Krakoa, are divorced, but the islands are thinking about getting back together and becoming one land like they used to be, OKKKUUURRAAA
So what needs to happen is these two islands need to fall in love again so that they can combine, but nobody really knows how to make that happen so they’re just trying to figure that shit out at this point.
Meanwhile, Cypher, a mutant who is merged with Krakoa and acts as his translator, decides to meet with the other island in the middle of the water, and they would just be big trees having a talk about how to split the kids up.
It does not go well. Cypher returns to the Quiet Council letting them know that the trees are still not into each other therefore the islands ain’t gonna merge. He says it’s because the mutants on Arakko are weirdos and speak a different language and there are also twice as many mutants on that island than this one. They are more barbaric I think is where he is going with this but we shall see.
Later on Arakko, a woman representative of Arakko, who is wearing a cooler suit than even Iron Man has ever debuted and wearing the colors no less, has a discussion with Magneto and Charles. Their conversation goes like this:
Gold Chick: Your man-child friend, the one who is married to that bad bitch from my island, Bei, he said we’re going to remain two islands.
Charles: Yeah. That is Cypher. The man-child you speak of.
Gold Chick: I don’t care. What’s that in your hand?
Magneto: This is a flower for you. So that you can come and go to each island as you please.
Gold Chick: Flower? I can tell right now you two are bitch boys. Tell me what you got going on over there on Krakoa.
Magneto: We have a quiet council.
Gold Chick: It’s a child’s society. We have been around for thousands of years what the hell do you expect us to do with your play pretend circle of man-children?
Charles: We would like to work together and form some sort of working relationship.
Gold Chick: We are war bitches. We kill everyone. It’s a wonder I haven’t killed you now. And I didn’t mainly because when you got here I was killing something else. SO!
Charles: Can you still take our unity offer to your ruler?
Gold Chick: I will, but you’re still little bitches.
Magneto: Haha she called you-
Gold Chick: No! Both of you!
SO THAT WENT WELL.
Charles thinks that they need to prepare in case the Arakko come after them now so they need to fill some seats on the council. Magneto asks Jean and Cyclops to fill the empty council seats and they are like “Um, no.” And Magneto is all “wtf? Why not?” And they’re all “We want to lead the X-Men WAAH WAHHH WAHH”
Charles asks them if he can talk them out of it and Jean and Cyclops say no. So Magneto says, so who is on your team? And they kind of look at each other like they each smelled a fart but are too polite to point it out for fear of embarrassing the culprit which Is obviously one of the two old geezers in the room. And then Magneto is like, “who is on your team idiots?” And they are like “Dunno. Since the X-Men is created to fight for the people we were thinking we would have the people choose.” Then Magneto is like, but people are famously dumb. You know who got elected to office in America in 2016? And Cyclops is like “we know, but we want to have a vote anyway.”
So there you have it folks. The first election on Krakoa. I can’t wait to see the campaigns these nerds come up with to make it on to the X-Men team.
All jokes aside this seems like a fun and creative way for the writers to show some butt-kicking and heartfelt scenes exactly they way they want to show them. Total and complete creative control.
Feels right to continue on recapping Pandemica given the times… So weird that it came out and I was so into this comic that I recapped the second issue too, and now the world has ended! But #3 and #4 are out so I’m going to recap both and hopefully #5 comes out soon!
So, we begin with D and the ginger boning.
The ginger (Chick) brings up that the last time they slept together they ended the day by trying to shoot each other. I wonder what today will bring? As they get dressed to start their day, the TV says this pandemic is the worst they’ve seen since the Spanish Flu!
The TV continues to talk and basically recap what we already know, that there are multiple strains of this sickness which is making it impossible to cure. The TV also lets us know that our friend Moses has assembled a team of racially and gender diverse scientists to find the people responsible for the so called “purity bombs.”
Cause guess who is behind this? Rich, white people. The worst kind of people, IMHO.
Next up, we have Loverboy who is watching Fox News. He also just got some last night from a sad prostitute whose nose he broke. Loverboy, indeed.
Loverboy, dressed as a UPS driver, meets up with a bunch of other UPS drivers. It seems that he has gone straight and the comic can now end.
So Moses’ team is checking out the bodies of mutated infected. These people I believe are white people who got hit with a purity bomb called “Bloodhound.”
CUT TO: The white people behind these bombs. They’re discussing the risks behind setting more of these bombs off. The lady says that they’ve only tested areas with barely any white people in it, the guy is like who cares let’s set it off, hoe. And she’s like but our people could get infected and he’s all, bitch what? No way, they’re not pure whities then.
Now we get some boring scene between the daughter of the billionaire guy who hates anyone who isn’t white and she is talking to a senator or member of congress or something who is her dad’s bitch and he’s scared because this has gone way too far but he can’t say anything because billionaire zaddy is the one who keeps his pockets fat.
POTUS, who is also owned by said billionaire, makes a public announcement that everything is fine. SOUNDS V FAMILIAR!!
De and Gingerbread man discuss what POTUS says and Ginger decides for once in his life he’s for sure on the good side. Yeah, I agree, any side that wants to stop the mass murdering of people is def the good side.
Moses on the phone with the scared senator from earlier. They are discussing going against POTUS to stop this craziness. Moses says he has his people working on a presentation that will prove that these are bio-weapons and not just a virus. He is just waiting on the lab reports being delivered from six different labs. And as luck would have it the delivery people have arrived as he is on the phone.
Meanwhile De and her freckle-faced lover are blowing up a different lab one that is working on said purity bombs. Yay!
They shoot everybody up and they all die except one guy who they question. He doesn’t have much information but he tells them that the cure to all these diseases lies in one of the babies downstairs. And they’re like “hmm babies?”
Back to Loverboy at Moses’ lab. Loverboy the stand up king of comedy makes a great speech about how Moses is not Jesus then shoots one of Moses’ doctors and demands to know where De’neesa and Chick are. Moses won’t give it up so Loverboy decides to come back tomorrow and if De and Chick aren’t there he’s going to kill everybody. Neat.
Meanwhile, Chick and De have taken the man to where they keep the babies. He let’s them know that Moses is right about everything he thinks is happening. The goal of the “ark” as they call it, is to preserve pure whiteness and get rid of everybody else. WE KNOW.
So after that delightful speech, they ping a button and open up to a lab full of babies in tubes. Cute!!
CUT TO: De’nessa holding a stolen baby in a hazmat suit. Chick is mad at her for lying to her and thinks she’s crazy. This panel is from the future, so shit hasn’t hit the fan quite yet, but it’s about to. Chick holds a gun to the baby and then to De’s face.
DE: I don’t think you’re going to shoot me so I’m just going to walk away, k bye.
The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.
In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.
They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.
What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.
Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?
Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”
Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.
The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.
De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.
Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.
De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.
Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.
Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.
INT: The Ark – Day
The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.
Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?
Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.
Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.
Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.
ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.
Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-
ED: I’m not understanding.
Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.
We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.
These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.
The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”
De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.
Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.
Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
Don’t trust gingers.
K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!
I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.
They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.
That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.
Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”
And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.
Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.
We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.
Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.
She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.
She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this
Mack: breathe you weirdo.
Mack: have you seen my sister?
Eva: no, but look over there.
Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.
Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.
So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.
So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!
Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.
Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.
Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.
It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.
She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.
When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.
She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.
Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?
She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?
I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???
Okay ya’ll, I’m obsessed with the new HBO series Watchmen. And because of this I have decided to go back and re-read the Watchmen series! I was a little rusty on some details and I don’t want to miss the little things they hide in these episodes!! I read this comic for the first time maybe more than a decade ago so, obviously, some things I have forgotten.
So, I went into the dusty ass container that lives under my bed that I got from the container store like five years ago, and searched for my aggregated Watchmen book that got a spike in sales right before the movie came out.
And as it goes I barely remember a damn thing, so I better recap this for you, so you don’t need go through all the trouble of digging up your old copies of the Watchmen.
We begin with Rorschach’s journal entry. He saw a dog carcass on the day of his journal entry. He was pretty excited about it because then he lept over into this whole diatribe about how the world is going to hell and he tried to warn everybody and they didn’t listen and now he doesn’t care about them at all. He also seems to hate communists and drunks. He also doesn’t care for intellectual liberals. Well I may be a liberal, but I’m certainly not an intellectual so I’m sure I’m pretty cool in this guy’s book.
Next we go to two detectives trying to figure out a crime. A man fell from his high-rise, splat on to the ground below. His door was kicked in first, so it isn’t a suicide, it’s a possible murder. They figure that because the man who was murdered was a large guy, really muscular and full of scars from before, he would have put up a fight, therefore it must have been more than one perpetrator.
The detectives decide to not make a big fuss about the case because they don’t want any vigilantes getting on the case. One detective points out that since the Keene act of ’77 the only vigilantes around anymore work for the government. The second vigilante points out that Rorschach still vigilants. Freelance work, mostly, I assume.
While they are discussing Rorschach and how he sucks because he murders people to get to the truth and then THEY have to deal with all that paperwork, which Ya know, I get it, then they pass by him. Without the mask of course. So they don’t recognize him. But he’s there all right, holding a picket sign and looking crazier than an armpit on a snake.
Hours later Rorschach comes back in his suit with the mask and all. He decides to do some detective work his damn self.
He knows just where to look, too. Much like the Watchmen series, the victim was hiding something strange in a secret part of his closet. Rory goes ahead and pushes a not well hidden button in the tiny ass empty closet and inside is a hero uniform complete with some heeled boots. This guy may have just been gay honestly and really into the club scene. He looked like a Bear. Rory doesn’t seem to agree because he also finds a photo of the Minutemen.
In the next scene two old men are hanging out in a bar. One is telling a story about how he ran into a villain from the 40’s who is now retired and married and has children. They are both Nite Owl’s. One was from a different generation, and the older one says the younger one was a better Nite Owl and he could have done even more in his days if they never passed the Keene act in ’77.
Danny, the new old Nite Owl, or old new? IDK. The younger one walks the older guy, Hollis home and then goes on his way down these darkened streets. He makes it to his apartment to find Rory eating a can of beans in his kitchen. Like he didn’t even warm them up. Also is that the best food you could find in that guy’s apartment? He didn’t have a frozen pizza in his oven? Da Fuck.
Daniel offers to warm his beans, but Rory is fine eating cold beans. Cause he’s fucking weird. Anyways, that no pizza-loving ass throws a badge at Danny. A badge that he found on the body that was thrown out of the window. It is stained with what Rory calls “human bean juice.” Or blood as normal humans would call it. Technically all men are beans though.
Turns out the badge belonged to the Comedian from the Minutemen, and the suit that Rory found in the closet was also his. They go down to Nite Owl’s little secret hideaway and Rory points out that its quite dusty down there. Rory believes that The Comedian was murdered by someone who wants to kill former heroes. Nite Owl thinks it was probably just a run of the mill robbery gone wrong. Rory doesn’t believe that because no regular guy could take down the Comedian. Nite Owl says it might have been political because the Comedian had been working for the government taking down Marxist governments.
Rory asks Danny about Hollis the older Nite Owl because he was in the Minutemen with The Comedian back in the day. Danny warns Rory not to go off scaring Hollis because he’s just an old man now. Rory says he only came as a warning just in case it does turn out that someone is going around “killing masks” and Danny points him towards the exit and lets him know it will let him off two blocks down into a warehouse. Rory says he remembers because they used to be partners. Danny is sad and is all “What happened to those days? They were nice.” And Rory simply says “You quit, ya bitch.”
In Rory’s new journal entry he says that he slept all day and awoke at 4:47 because his landlady was complaining about his smell. He then says that she has five kids by five fathers and she cheats off welfare. Whatever the fuck that means. He sucks. Anyways, then he writes next that New York screams like retarded children. I also am unsure of what he means by that.
Rory decides to go to a bar whilst judging everyone who goes to bars. He knows the bartender and terrifies him with his mere presence. But Rory isn’t here to kill anyone he just wants information on the killing.
But then this drunk guy just HAS to say something. When Rory says the dead guy is a friend of his, the drunk guy quips that Rory must have changed his deodorant if he has friends. Rory walks over to the drunk guy and bends his finger back for talking shit.
Rory then asks the room “Who killed Edward Blake?” But no one answers so he breaks the drunk guy’s next finger. And so on and so forth, until he realizes that no one knows anyone. He says the city is infected with rabies and he will now abscond to be with a better “class of person” and leave these drunks to discuss heroin and child pornography.
Rory goes to visit another old friend, Adrien Veidt, AKA Ozymandias. Rory says “Hey guy you’re smart what happened to the Comedian?” Ozy is all “buh, idk? Maybe the russians or some other politcal party?” Rory is all “No way, hoe. We got Doc Manhattan. Errybody afraid of Mericans.” Ozy is like “Well, I’m sure he has other haters the guy was basically a freaking Nazi.” Rory is like “he kept working and didn’t sell out on his image like you did with all of your Barbie dolls in your likeness. He ain’t a prostitute like you are. And if working hard makes you a Nazi, then I’m a Nazi too.” Ozy is like “yeah that’s obvious. Anyways, I quit being a hero because it was my choice and you’re being mean because I have Barbie doll royalties.”
Rory is like “okay whatever, I just came here to warn you that someone is targeting heroes. I’ll see myself out.” Then he just walks out of a window. And this guy’s place is higher up than the comedians. So then he falls to his death. And that was it. Pretty boring shit.
Rory goes to his next set of his buddies and it’s Laurie and Dr. Manhattan. HOORAY!
Laurie is all “GTFO, Rory, you’re wanted for crimes and this is a government base.”
Rory is all “oh shit, a girl….Oh I just came by to tell you that the Comedian is dead.”
Dr.M: Yeah we know, bitch. I work for the government and so did he. This is old news.
Rory: Yeah but I think it’s a whole big thing, not an isolated incident.
Dr. M: I don’t care. Live bodies and dead bodies are the same. I’m emo. She’s into it. That’s all that matters.
Laurie: Hey, I’m still here and guess the fuck what? I hate the Comedian because he tried to rape my mom. So there.
Rory: Yeah, tried. Didn’t succeed. Also men get horny. who cares? Three no’s and yes means yes, heller.
Laurie: I hate you. Jon make this loser leave.
Dr. M: Hey get out, you’re pissing Laurie off and she’s the only human being I feel anything for, so ya know, if she gets mad at me, that’s kinda it.
Rory: Um I came to warn you and your hoe that there’s someone targeting us for MURDER! And I’m not leaving until I-
Then Rory just disappears and reappears outside. Because Dr. Manhattan not only has a large, blue dick, he can use it.
Dr. M: Hey Laurie, u mad?
Laurie: I’m just so grossed out by that guy. He’s like weird af and a nazi. He doesn’t like women and has never been inside of a vagina and IT SHOWS. Also he smells and has a monotone voice. There I said it.
Laurie: I’ve calmed down a bit, and I want to get drunk now.
Dr. M: I don’t do that.
Laurie: Well, Rory mentioned Nite Owl. That Danny nerd. I’ll call him up and hang with him if you don’t mind.
Dr. M: Well okay, even though you clearly didn’t invite me, I just want to let you know that I can’t go because I want to keep working.
Laurie: K, thanks bye. Let me know if you see anything in the future that could possibly change our relationship status if you just told me to just stay here tonight.
Dr. M: Yeah, that’s not really my thing.
So Laurie and Danny make a date.
BACK TO RORY’S V IMPORTANT JOURNAL.
Rory realizes that nobody cares about the Comedian’s death except him. He says that there is only good and evil, which okay no. He’s crazy. He thinks he’s good when he’s clearly bad. What a nut. Chaotic Good or is he Lawful Good? I feel like he is Lawful evil. ANYWAYS. BACK TO LAURIE AND DANNY’S DATE.
Laurie wears her sluttiest dress to see her old friend. She offers to pay for the tab and that makes Danny uncomfortable, because Danny is neutral good. maybe lawful…anyways she is like “listen I work for the government and they’re picking up this tab because fuck em. I’m only around because it makes Jon happy.”
Danny: Are things okay with you and Jon?
Laurie: Sure. Except I’m 35 and I’m dating an ageless man. AND I WANT A BABY PROBABLY.
Laurie: What have I done with my life? I became a superhero for my stupid mom. Now I’m a pet for a superhuman man. Remember the slutty costume I used to wear so embarrassing.
Danny: Oh yeah. I remember. Supes embarrassing. Hehe.
Laurie: Hey let’s reminisce more about the old times.
Danny: Okay. Remember that guy who got off on getting beat up by heroes?
Laurie: Yeah he pretended to be a super villain. I beat him outside of a jewelers.
Danny: One time he just chased me down screaming “hit me”
Laurie: Whatever happened to that guy?
Danny: Rory pushed him down an elevator shaft.
Laurie: A man is dead and I shouldn’t be laughing but God damn it that’s hilarious. Why don’t I ever laugh anymore?
Danny: The Comedian is dead.
Then the comic book shows an excerpt from Hollis’ the original Nite Owl’s novel. Cause he wrote a tell-all.
I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.
Or were we?
Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.
Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!
We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.
Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?
She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.
But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.
So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.
The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.
Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.
She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.
Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.
He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?
Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.
So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.
The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.
The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.
Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.
CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS
A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.
The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”
And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.
CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.
Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.
Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.
She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.
She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?
No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.
Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.
The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”
The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.
Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”
Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.
She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.
She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.
CUT TO: rich guys place
The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”
BUM BUM BAHHH
So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!
A mixed emotional one because I’m reviewing a comic book about two bad bitches that I love. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
I’m not crazy into DC stuff as we all know. I’m like a total hipster now because I’m not all about the mainstream anymore.
My cat is currently going buckwild on my pumpkin decorations.
Yeah, um anyways. THIS IS A 6-ISSUE MINI SERIES BY JODY HOUSER, ADRIANA MELO, MARK MORALES, and HI-FI
The mini series begin with a prologue by Harley. Harley ponders back on her wonderful friendship with Ivy, and remembers when Ivy died in Heroes in Crisis. Luckily, Ivy gave Harley a flower and she grew from the flower. Because that’s normal and fine. And JUST TAKE IT OKAY?
So they’re like chillin at a diner or something and some annoying ass kid is like “Why is Poison Ivy naked and green?”
So Harley yells at the kid and they decide to go shopping so Ivy can get a new outfit. But in the dressing room she like became this nasty ass clump of green mess.
So Harley takes her home in a bag and then sends her to bed. Then Harley grabs some box from her basement and we get a flashback of where she got said box which was from some bitch-ass robot.
So she takes this box she had in the basement and goes to Ivy’s room and tells her that its a brand new delivery from Lex Luthor. It is fertilizer with a note that says it will help her. Ivy takes it and eats it or something but Harley has a “bad feeling” well if that isn’t a dead giveaway then IDK what the fuck is.
So then Harley goes to her room to cry about how she didn’t get a present from Lex Luthor and then Ivy goes to take a nap and cocoon herself inside all of the bushes in her room.
They wake up the next day and Ivy has clothes on and Harley is excited that she looks better. She wonders if the fertilizer worked but Ivy said not all of her powers were restored.
Ivy says she needs to go live somewhere else because, although Harley put a bunch of plants all over the place, she needs more. So Harley said they’ll go together but their next move should be that they become heroes. She came up with this idea while asleep because Flash killed Ivy last time and he’s a good guy so Harley has decided the world is already broken if good guys are killing people so its no fun to break it anymore. Or at least that’s the bitch-ass cop-out reason the writer came up with.
Harley is bored and decides to become a hero. Poison Ivy has no mind of her own and follows Harley into the abyss.
Just when it was getting boring, the plant on Harley’s kitchen table comes alive and attacks her. Harley is like wtf, Ivy? And Ivy is all “It’s not me!” Then they’re all “then who?”
And then we find out… It’s some bitch boy.
So this bitch boy who is a DRAMATIC AF jerk is like “Hey Ivy, the Parliamant of Flowers is in my grasp.” And Ivy is like “You’re not their champion. I am.”
And then Bitch Boy says ” I’m going to make use of you and TAKE the power.”
OOOOO! Wonder what will happen next! Well we don’t have to wait because issue #2 is already fucking out. But I’m a lazy ass bitch and I only posted this recap today!!
HOW DID YOU LIKE ISSUE #1?? Are you sticking around for Issue 2?? What do you think of Bitch Boy???
I’m fantastic because I just found another comic book series to be obsessed with by Image. This book is called Crowded and it’s a comic book set in the near future like literally, this shit could become a thing next week.
Crowded is written by Christopher Sebela with art by Ro Stein and Ted Brant. This cover I got ya’ll looking at is by Rachael Stott doe.
Well, friends, this one was a good one. I’ll give you a brief background on what this little story is about. Basically, in the future, there is this app called REAPR where you can hire people to murder someone you hate by crowdfunding the kill. Sometimes no one offers to get the person killed and so no one is like “I’m not killing them for free.” And if you get a huge crowd-funding, for say an awful President, who a lot of people hate, you could get up to a million dollars if you murder this guy. Mostly if you’re not hated by millions of people then that probably won’t happen, if you’re like the worst most-hated person in a high school you might get $500 for your death.
So the story takes place with the main girl, Charlie, she has pink hair, she is meeting with a DFENDR or something that she found on the app who is going to protect her from all the people who want to murder her. Which is a shit-ton. The price on her head is at about 1.2 million dollars. Not a normal price for a basic bitch who isn’t famous and is just trying to make it day-by-day. Her DFENDR, Vita, has a rating of 1.4 stars on her DFENDR page. No one knows why she believes its because she’s not flashy. So both of these bitches are lying about something and WE gotta figure it out.
Charlie meets with Vita at this fast food place which is surprisingly empty minus a janitor, and Charlie rushes in there late scared for her life. Vita is like you’re late, and Charlie was like yeah I was ducking people trying to kill me. Then the janitor pulls an AK-47 out of his mop bucket and points it at Charlie, but Vita shoots him first.
Vita is like “btw your REAPR campaign is at 1.2 million dollars.”
Charlie is like “I’m on REAPR. FUCK.”
Vita is like “yeah and that’s too much money for the average person, what did you do to get on this site and why do you have so many backers?”
So Charlie takes her through her crazy ass day, which goes like this.
Charlie: So I wake up in the morning, get hot, drive for MUVER and DRIFT, Rent out my apartment on PADHOP, Trade out my car on WHEELSY, Rent out my dress on KLOSET, walked some pets on DOGSTROLL, Hung out with some children for CITYSITTER, and blah blah blah you get it? Her fucking life is all apps. She does some more app-related shit before she heads to a bar and goes home with some rando. The next morning she gets some piping hot coffee and an old lady pulls a gun on her, so she pours her hot coffee on the lady. And stole the lady’s dog. And then someone tried to shoot her from the sky. And that’s when she knew that multiple people were trying to kill her.
Vita holds the doors of the restaurant closed with her belt, but the murderers begin to pile up outside anyway because Charlie used her card to order some food. Vita steals her fries before a car comes crashing onto the scene.
Vita intimidates the shit out of these random nobodies coming to collect a million dollar reward with her gun and shit talking. They get into Vita’s weird mustard yellow car that looks like its from the 60s and they take off to a safe place which turns out to be Vita’s haunted mansion. But before they make it to the mansion dumb-ass Charlie is on her phone this time and people start tracking her location and Vita has to do some quick shit to take out some pedestrians. She does this for fun or to save Charlie. It is unclear.
Later, at the mansion, Charlie is like “this place is awful.” Vita is like “okay, bye.” Then Charlie is like “give me alcohol and I’ll stay” and Vita is all, “okay.”
So Vita is gettin this already hoe-ass girl, Charlie, completely toasted.
Charlie gets a drink in her and continues to explain to Vita how her day went and why this could all be happening to her. After a few people attempt to murder her so order a MUVER to where her car is parked and finds that it has been blown up.
So then she goes home, and we don’t know what happened because she gets distracted during her storytelling because she’s drunk and starts looking around Vita’s weird old lady house.
Vita explains that she lives in a big old lady house by herself because she hates people and the place has great parking. Vita decides that she is hungry and moves on to the kitchen with Charlie trailing behind. The TV is still on and the news story they are broadcasting now is that there was a massacre at Echo Park. Charlie sneakily turns the TV off while explaining that nothing happened to her at her apartment before following Vita into the kitchen.
Charlie apparently made spaghetti and meatballs for the two of them during this time because the next panel she’s serving up a couple of plates for them. And now I really want some spaghetti.
Charlie: I spit in your pasta. Also, why are you a bodyguard, and why is your rating 1.4?
Vita: I can’t believe people want you dead. I wrote why I became a bodyguard on my profile. Didn’t you read it?
Charlie: No. Tell me the story.
Vita: I was a private contractor before. Not much else to say.
Vita is clearly a liar, but let’s get back to that other lying twat, Charlie.
Vita: Where are your friends?
Charlie: No one responded to me.
Vita: Do you have any exes?
Charlie: I sleep with all of my friends so technically they are all my exes.
Vita: I can tell that you think you don’t deserve what’s happening to you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t.
Charlie: You’re mean.
Vita then throws a file at Charlie. It is a list of people who donated to kill her.
All of a sudden Charlie is too drunk to function so Vita takes her to bed.
The dog wants out, so Vita takes the dog with her to bed.
Vita then creepily tells herself not to get attached to the dog or Charlie.
Charlie wakes up and sneaks back to the kitchen to make a phone call to her friend Francie whose name she recognized from the list, and decides to threaten to kill her. Which turns out fine because then this happens.
What kind of asses are those? Did the Kardashians show up to kill her, too? THE END! Or to be continued. This one is fun. I can’t wait to learn the twist. And since this is Image, it is bound to be a good one! What do you think is going to happen to Charlie and Vita? Will they fall in love? Will Charlie get murdered? And if so, by who!? Who put the hit out on her head? And why did so many people back it? I mean she does look annoying, but a million fucking diamonds- I mean, dollars. That’s crazy. Will the dog survive?! If they kill the dog in this fucking comic book I will literally put a REAPR out on every single person involved in the making of this comic.