Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

wedding bells for some top tier Marvel characters!!

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland Rude To Blogger

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchiseI think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

DC finally decided to make The Flash Movie Happen

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

youtube.com/watch

In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch can travel through multiverses!

uhhhh what!!!

Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!

I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.

But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭

Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?

I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.

But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?

Am I thinking way too much into this??

Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.

Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories

Cable #8 Comic Book Recap: This shit is getting good.

Writer: Gerry Dugan

Artist: Phil Noto

I decided on recapping Cable this week, because this issue finally had the action we’ve been waiting for. Unlike in the X-Men comics where they just talk in a circle all day, Cable is out here doing the damn thing. And I’m talking about pubescent Cable here.

Our story begins with a partnership as old as time, Cable and Domino. Ah, young love.

Cable breaks the ice by asking her how her powers work, and she describes it like a cosmic event. Where all the asteroids just seems to line up in a certain way, and that’s her luck.

He’s counting on her luck, which caused him to follow her to Tokyo even though they’re after the clone of his older self, Stryfe and they have no proof that he would even think about going to Japan.

Cable: So we’re in Tokyo, because of your powers, right? We should be here?

Domino: What? No. I wanted Gyoza.

So they head to a spot that Domino likes and get some fucking dumplings.

How can either of you tell where the other one is looking?

Turns out, Domino is lucky because Cable wasn’t looking at her “that way” he was staring right past her head and checking out an old man Cable clone. The baby-napper in the flesh!

Cable jumps up and runs after him. Domino decides to steal a few moments to get her snack on.

My brain is telling me follow you, but my heart is saying “MAWR DUMPLINS”

Cable follows the clone through the restaurant and shoots at him while they’re in the kitchen, because restaurant workers aren’t people. No need to treat them like they deserve to live.

The baby-napper clone runs downstairs where he has some sort of secret underground hideaway and he shuts the high-tech door behind him and now Cable has nowhere to go.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Stryfe has an underground hideaway below a dumpling shop? No? Just me. Well, fuck you, then.

After Cable shoots at the locked door a few times to no avail, he decides to walk over in front of it and cry about his life. As he is whining about how he can’t do anything right, when he literally wins everything, the high-tech door scans his retina and lets him right in.

Dummy, it’s your clone’s hideaway. Of course you can fucking get in.

Nathan and Baby-Napper have a conversation and it goes like this:

Cable: I’m pointing my gun at you!

BN: You’re dumb and you plan bad.

Cable: I’m so upset with myself and I constantly battle with inner demons.

BN: Uhk.

Cable: I’m a sad boi.

BN: I’m going to press this button

Cable: Don’t press it, I’ll shoot you.

BN: I’m gonna press it.

Cable: Don’t.

BN: I pressed it.

Then Cable shoots him and he dies. BUT all these tiny baby Cable clones come out. Okay they’re not baby-babies but they are young Cable clones. Just as cute.

LOOK AT ALL THE WITTLE BABY WUB WUBS!! (heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji)

Cable fights his clones, and also battles his inner demons, meanwhile, Domino walks in with dumplings hanging out of her mouth and stupidly asks “hrmrmrhshfm??”

Cops and superheroes don’t go to jail for killing people, Domino. Idiot.

She decides to take a breath and look up from her box of noodles and she pulls out her gun.

She shoots every clone except the one that yells “cease fire, I’m friendly!”

She stops and he walks over to her and he’s like “how did you know it was me?”

And she’s all, “I didn’t” Then she shoots him in the head.

And then I was like AHHH OMG. SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT CABLE!

You misunderstood me, Domino! Being a cop or superhero only works if you’re a man! Women get held accountable for ALL OF their actions!

Then ANOTHER Cable dusts his knees off and comes out of the woodwork and is like, “are you out of bullets?”

And Domino is like, “yeah, but even If I had one left, I probably wouldn’t shoot you, Real Cable Baby.”

Cable calls in a team to clean up the clone bodies, meanwhile Domino is like, hey there were 12 clones in here and I only shot 11. One got away.

They dip out and find this little fool real quick. Sticking out like a tall white boy in Japan as it were.

The clone knocks Cable and Domino down and then reveals his evil plan to return to Krakoa in Cable’s place.

Domino and Cable are both being psionically held down so they can’t stop him from killing them.

Luckily, remember that weird meteor thing I mentioned earlier?

Yeah. Well one of those things comes sailing out of the sky and right into clone Cable’s pretty little face.

That’s a meteor, bitch!

Cable then blames Domino, and Domino is like, shut up I didn’t kill him, a meteor did, dummy.

So Cable is back to having no leads because this clone’s head just randomly busted open.

Domino tells Cable to lose her number and dips out. Cable then texts his buddies about how he left a bunch of dead bodies in Japan, and they let him know that X-Factor is inbound to clean up his little messy. I don’t know how they got a hold of X-Factor tho, because last I heard they were down to three measly members on account of all of them getting totally whacked by Morrigan.

COOL RIGHT?
But it’s not over! After our baby Cable story we get a little peek at what old man Cable is doing. He’s hunting some fuckers, hidden in a cape and carrying a big ass gun. That’s what Cable does best, hoes!

Cable walks in and tells his little robot buddy to wait outside.

He traipses in like he owns the place, but he notices a string on the ground, a booby trap. He’s too smart for that though and he walks right over it.

Unfortunately, right over that string is a giant hole.

So yeah, he gets immediately trapped in a pitfall.

I call this one: Cable falling into the abyss.

WHAT AN IDIOT!

What did you think about this issue? This Cable run is finally getting good huh?! I THINK SO!

PLUS WE GOT A DOMINO CAMEO!

WOW. WOW.WOW.

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book updates, comic book reviews, comic book recaps, and comic book news.

Morbius: Bond of Blood Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

The origin of Morbius!

Written by Ralph Macchio

Art by Tom Reilly

Color Art by Chris O’Halloran

Cover Artists: Giuseppe Camuncol and Erick Arciniega

This is basically a stroll through memory lane, but because I promised you, and I was so fucking hype for this issue. Here’s the recap, buddy!

So Morbius, living vampire. Yada yada.

This basically is his origin story reprinted. It is still in the style of the silver age of comic books. The art and dialogue is all very “of that age.” And the writer is 83 years old. SO!

I actually remember when Morbius was first introduced back in one of those old ass Amazing Spider-Man’s that I read in the Essential collection when I was like, 15? They all were so expositional with their dialogue. But, I guess that’s why that age won Silver, huh?

Crazy how he looked like a vampire BEFORE he looked like a vampire. Weird.

Morbius origin is tragic? I guess, he was a rich ass scientist who was boning some chick and taking a cruise on a yacht with her and his BFF, but he was dying from a blood disease, so I guess, that’s the tragedy. Luckily, he is a scientist so him and his bff came up with a “cure” but it ended up turning him into a living vampire (SPOILER!)

Oh and he killed his BFF, and instead of killing his GF next, he threw himself into the sea, but he decided, like, he can swim so he’s not going to drown.

Sorry Dood, bro code is over when I’m thirsty.

Later, a big ass ship comes to pick him up from the sea, and to repay them for their kindness he drinks their blood and kills them.

After killing his best friend and being rescued and killing everyone who saved him, he decides to check up on his BFF’s young son, who is dying of an incurable disease! FUN!!

He checks in on the kid, who has no family I guess because no one else is there, but makes sense cause his dad was murdered, and the kid is like “I wuv you Unckie Morbie.”

And Morbius is like, damn, I killed his dad but maybe I can save his life. So he heads over to Dr. Hyde’s place, and speaks with his alter ego Mr. Jekyll, who apparently has the cure for the kids disease. Morbius is like great I need it! But when he goes to the Doctor’s place he immediately attacks him!

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ASSAULT.

So Jekyll-Hyde guy is like, “sweet go get me my research books from the mental institution I used to live in, cause I’m fucking crazy and I’ll give you that cure, dummy.”

You know this is from back in the day, because there’s no insane asylum castles anymore.

Morbsey, gets the research, gets the vaccine, gives it to the kid, kid immediately dies, (insert anti-vaxxer joke here)

Now Morbius has killed his BFF and his fucking son, but before he kills him, Morbius confesses to the kid that he killed his father and the son forgives him. Then he dies. Then a nurse comes in and is like “that guy must have killed him” pointing to Morbius, and she is correct!

After the kid dies, Morbius returns to beat the shit out of Hyde, who now that he has research back, has become a giant monster and is like “I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”

So they fight, and Morbsey bites him, which weakens Hyde, and eventually turns him back into the sniveling little doctor from before.

Oh really, Morbsey? You expect people to take you seriously with that side part? HA! I don’t think so.

The normal version of Hyde is like, “yeah I gave you a vaccine that I knew would kill the kid, but I just want to be that big dude, Hyde.”

And then Morbius is like, “why he’s ugly.”

And then the doctor is like, “ew, you’re rude.”

And then he passes out, and then Morbsey is like, “You’ll survive this, because I don’t kill everyone, just innocent people…Wait-“

The point is, he’s trying to be good, but he can’t be good, because he gets hungry and when he gets hungry he’s usually around innocent people. And also Marvel can’t afford to come up with new villains all the time, so he can’t be Dexter-ing them every fucking month.

Well that was it!

Thank you for joining me today, friend!

If you liked what you read please leave a comment below and follow me on the Twitter: IlsaTheJoe.

PEACE!

Coming soon…

Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap