Kelly Thompson is a Monster. Black Widow #4 Comic Book Recap

Don’t read this one if you’re squeamish!

Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!

Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!

It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!

Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.

ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”

Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?

So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.

They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.

Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?

Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”

Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.

She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.

More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.

Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.

Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”

And they’re conversation goes like this:

Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.

James: Uh, what?

Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.

James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!

Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.

Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.

“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?

Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.

James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.

Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.

James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.

Nat: And you have to take the kid.

James: Ummm-

*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*

Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.

Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!

So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.

Nothing could go wrong at nap time!

Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.

What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!

Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!

I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?

Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man!!

I LOVE SPIDER-MAN. I always have and I always will. Wanna fight about it?

I remember when the first Spectacular Spider-Man came out, well I don’t actually remember it because it was in the 1970s…but I remember buying the reprinted volumes!

If you’re not reading The Amazing Spider-Man like I’m not then you have no idea what’s going on with this guy. Apparently he’s the same old Peter we love yet he has slightly more powers. I don’t know what those are because I didn’t read the Amazing Spider-Man, but I did read “The Other” several years ago and the powers he got from his rebirth were amazing, but he lost them and now he’s got new ones. IDK. KEEP UP! So now he has even more “great responsibility” at least that’s what he told The Human Torch, his best friend, on the roof of some random building in NYC before he hugged HT and told him he loved him. Then they planned to go to the movies at 7:30 that night. Fucking beautiful.

johnny storm
Forbidden love

So Pete’s really having a bear of a time being a legit superhero and saving the world and he just wants to get back to his roots of stopping petty thieves on the streets of New York City. He doesn’t have to look far for a street robbery and immediately jumps in to save a lady from being robbed. Unfortunately his handy web cartridges crap out on him and he almost gets shot in the face but luckily he is saved by the incredible shrinking Ant-Man.

Not being able to save her life doesn’t bother the lady it seems because she still hands Spider-Man her card and asks him on a date while Ant-Man, who actually saved her, just looks on being very short. Because he has helmet problems. You need to know that for later. Oh and the lady’s name is Rebecca London. WOW. COOL.

ANYWAYS… Ant-Man invites Peter to come with him to “The Mason” so they can get their gear fixed together. Man Date.

ant man
Do you see how they look at each other?

Peter has never heard of “The Mason” which apparently is very weird because all the superheroes know about him. Rude.

He’s the Tinkerer’s brother, so maybe that’s why no one told Peter? Because The tinkerer is one of Spider-Man’s enemies? I can’t think of one reason why else EVERYONE knows about this guy except Spider-Man.

Oh totally forgot to mention that Peter picked up an unbreakable cell phone at the scene of the earlier robbery, so he shows it to the Mason’s attendant so he can help him find a hacker. The information they find out about another hacked cell phone leads Peter to Chicago, and to call the lady he saved earlier. Apparently calling a girl 8 hours after she gives you her number is a bad idea according to these editors. They said you should wait at least a day and to text not call… as a girl, I do not agree. If I gave you my number you better use it and quick. The window of interest shuts fast.

Spider-Man finds the house of the Stark hacker and ya know, threatens to arrest whoever is inside immediately. Not very stealth but when you have a Spider-sense I guess you don’t need to be stealthy. After Spidey makes his threat he is immediately blown up and confronted by Ironheart, the apparent hacker.

It’s 7:39 and Peter is in Chicago, a long ways away from his date with the Human Torch. Poor Torchy is waiting for his pal outside of Pete’s apartment, but instead of finding Peter he finds his sister. No, not Johnny Storm’s sister, Peter’s sister. YUP.

PeterParkerSpectacularSpider-Man1-p20

OOOOKKKKAAAYY that was pretty good. Lots of big shot characters making appearances in his first Spectacular issue, but wait it’s not over yet! There is a bonus story at the end.

I like these short stories, they’re always so deep. In this case it’s not deep though, it’s more like a teaser after the end of one of the Marvel movies of what’s to come. And what’s to come gives me MASSIVE amounts of anxiety.  LIKE MASSIVE. I don’t know if you get it, but I have real feelings about this. So here’s what happens, Black Widow fights Spider-Man and uses a device to follow his every move and spidey-sense, once she gathers all the info she needs on his spider-sense she hands it over, somewhat unwillingly, to a sleezy SHIELD agent. NOW ALL THE SHIELD AGENTS WILL HAVE SPIDEY SENSE. NOT COOL. After that I imagine she goes home to take a long hot shower to wash off the shame.
SHAME!

shame