Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap
Hit-Girl is finally going to India!
I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.
Or were we?
Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.
Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!
We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.
Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?
She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.
But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.
So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.
The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.
Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.
She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.
Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.
He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?
Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.
So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.
The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.
The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.
Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.
CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS
A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.
The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”
And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.
CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.
Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.
Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.
She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.
She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?
No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.
Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.
The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”
The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.
Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”
Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.
She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.
She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.
CUT TO: rich guys place
The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”
BUM BUM BAHHH
So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!
Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.
I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.
Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)
So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.
In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.
We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.
As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.
Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.
Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.
As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.
Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.
Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.
Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.
She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.
She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.
Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.
After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.
Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.
Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.
As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.
Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.
Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.
Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.
Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.
Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.
The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”
Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.
Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?
Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.
It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.
Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.
The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”
He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.
So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.
I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.
Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??
So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.
Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.
The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.
As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.
We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.
We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”
So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.
Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.
Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.
Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.
So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?
The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.
We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!
Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.
Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”
Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.
He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.
The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”
Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.
They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!
BUM BUM BUHHH
And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.
Loved it Aftershock, give me more.
No Hit- Girl this week.
But Since Deadpool’s premiere is just around the corner I’ve decided to recap issue #1 of Deadpool Kills Deadpool. HOORAY!
We begin in Deadpool’s dirty kitchen. There are empty pizza boxes laying around and dishes piled in the sink. He probably stinks. A masked man is making fun of Headpool for not having an intestinal track. Rude.
The man in the mask sticks Headpool into the microwave and blasts his brains away.
After the zombie Headpool explodes in the microwave, the man in the mask is revealed from the shadows and he looks a lot like Deadpool, but in an all-black costume. He really is always trying to one-up Spider-Man isn’t he?
Anyways it becomes incredibly obvious that this man in the mask is our “hero” Deadpool. Cause lyke right after this, he bodyslides by one.
After Pool bodyslides we go back to the “Real Marvel Universe” and they lose me. Just stop confusing me, Marvel.
Deadpool is battling the Ultimatum and making quips about other superheroes. My favorite was “stop hacking my Bieber and Beers Tumblr account” – Wolverine.
Deadpool is having a hard time taking down Ultimatum and his droids, but luckily a spaceship comes in hot toward the battle.
AND IT IS THE BEA ARTHUR! The spaceship of the Deadpool Corps. AKA Alternate versions of Deadpool in different universes. NORMAL.
There’s two extra dolts on the Deadpool “CRUE.” A golden age gas mask hero and a pulp version of hisself.
The reason the CRUE is there is simple, get Deadpool onto the ship. But they don’t give him a reason just that he’s “in danger”
So Wade is lyke, um no? I need to wait for the Avengers to clean up this mess I made.
Kidpool tells Deadpool to stop trying to hard because the Avengers and the X-Men will never like him. As they hurry onto the ship, Gasmask Deadpool says “pip-pip now cheerio, we must get on to thee ship now and drive it with duct tape. But we never get to understand why he says these things because then the black mask Deadpool murders the Gasmask Deadpool. Which is wonderful because I don’t like him.
So Deadpool is like wtf? And then a battle ensues.
Deadpool knock him on his ass and is ready to give him his death-blow when black mask man bodyslides outta thurr.
Only to have bodyslid right behind Deadpool and puts a chainsaw through him.
It looks like our hero is about to be murdered by our other hero. Luckily Dogpool nips in to save the day.
To only then be immediately obliterated.
oh, maybe I should throw this in here.
As Kidpool mourns the loss of his beloved pup, Deadpool wastes no time in outsmarting this black mask Deadpool.
BMD: We have nothing in common!
DP: Except the same voice. Bodyslide by half.
BMD *bodyslides in half*
Deadpool picks up the blaster gun that the black mask Deadpool was using to obliterate the other Deadpools and blasts him away.
DONE! NO more stories!
Just kidding. As it turns out there are more Anti-Deadpools according to Lady Deadpool. He was only the beginning.
Lady Deadpool says they’re at war. A suicide war.
The Watcher saw this war in advance and warned the other Pools about it.
Deadpool is like, but why us?
Then the Watcher calls him the Progenitor.
Which I guess is like the parent of all things.
What in the world???
What do you guys think of this series? Should I keep going???
Let me know in the comments below!
So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.
This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.
Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.
Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.
His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.
I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.
He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.
So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.
He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”
So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.
In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.
He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-
After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.
He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.
He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”
Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.
But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.
He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.
So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.
He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.
So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”
And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.
His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.
Did I say that too late?
Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”
And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”
And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.
So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.
Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.
Oh yeah her name is Lindy.
Dumb fucking name.
Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.
So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.
Then he takes off, flying into the air.
So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.
I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.
ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.
Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?
Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.
That is all.
Iron Fist, the Living Weapon.
At the end of the day aren’t we all just living weapons?
What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.
I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.
At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.
This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …
“THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST!”
Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.
Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.
He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.
It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.
Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.
The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.
Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.
HE PUNCHES THE HELICOPTER AND IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.
The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.
Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”
She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.
Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.
She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.
Then this happened.
Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”
Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.
I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.
I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.
So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.
The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.
“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”
Very slightly different.
Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.
Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.
Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.
Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.
OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.
They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.
They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.
Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.
The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.
There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”
Wolverine loves drag.
They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.
Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.
There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.
Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.
SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!
This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.
For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.
Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.
OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.
So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.
Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…
Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.
This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.
This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.
Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.
Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.
So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.
Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.
I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.
So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.
At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!
Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.
Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.
Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.
Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.
Aaaaannddd he gets arrested. The end.
INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!
This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.
Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.
I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.
This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.
So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.
Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.
So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.
So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.
Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.
So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.
The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.
Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company. Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.
They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.
Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.
Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.
HE’S A HERO!!
The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”
Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.
Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.
Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.
Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”
The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!
Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.
Bullseye. Did you guess that?
Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.
Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.
Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.
They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.
Nothing makes sense.
But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.
I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.