Episode 44 – Porg Champs

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-56h4u-12401fb

Reporting Live From The Gutter…

Kyra is back from Star Wars celebration! … And Ilsa is still weird. 

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra talk NEVER BEFORE SEEN Star Wars CELEBRATION FOOTAGE including brand new trailers for The Bad Batch Season 2, Mandalorian Season 3, and the new prequel series, Andor.

 Of course, this wouldn’t be a Star Wars episode if we didn’t do our own recap of the first THREE episodes of Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

Lots of sprinklings of Drake and Dune talk throughout!

Enjoy!!

 

Episode 43 – Goldfish Besties

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-234aa-1223b06

Its officially hot nerd girl summer in Chicago and the sun is out after 42 days of darkness in Chicago (we’re not kidding, look it up)

This past week we got to FINALLY see Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Sam Raimi did not disappoint! We break down his horror influence over the movie, how epic Wanda was AND how America Chavez has stole our hearts completely. Some of our predictions also ended up coming true. *heavy spoiler alert*

We break down the Moon Knight season finale as well, which was nothing short of emotional. What an epic show. We already miss Stephen and Marc…and even Jake kind of.

Thank you so much for your support and tuning in to our podcast. Don’t forget to check out our Youtube channel for trailer and tv show reactions and breakdowns.

Episode 42 – Goats and Hoes

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-7q2w6-1203944

What a week for nerds!

Happy day after Easter! Harry Styles has risen!

Young Dumbledore stole our hearts this week in the latest Fantastic Beasts movie, Morby was a bad boy and didn’t live up to expectations and we got a brand new Thor: Love and Thunder trailer! Talk about a hell of a tease, we actually got a split second first look of Natalie Portman as Lady Thor. 

Are you watching Moon Knight? If not, we’re judging you but also we got you. We recap up to this week’s upcoming episode drop – and for only a 6 episode series, there is a lot going on. Marc Spector has our hearts ❤

For Peace and Justice, Seize the Enemy Pube!

SUICIDE SQUAD : BLAZE

Suicide Squad Blaze Issue #2 Comic Book Recap

Hello,

and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch. Today we will be talking about our childhood traumas.

Well, never mind, let’s talk about how this new Suicide Squad series is traumatizing me.

What an incredible first issue, if you missed it here’s what happened: There’s a new big bad guy and he’s like Superman but without any humanity. He doesn’t care about money or fame he just wants to watch the world burn. A la Joker I guess? That’s what I was getting anyways. So yeah, Amanda Waller gets called in and she’s like oh shit we gotta take down this motherfucker let me make some potion that can turn my group of evil superhumans into the most powerful beings on the planet!!!

For three months.

Then they die.

She goes to her A Team first, and they all turn her ass down. A-Team= Harley Quinn, King Shark, Peacemaker, and Boomerang.

So after being turned down Amanda goes with Plan B: Having a bunch of super criminals fight it out for the chance to die in three months. And also get super powers. 5 make the cut. one dies on the way,(Boris) and his power is spread out to the remaining 4. Also taking a bit more life from each of them.

This is when we meet the hero of our story, Michael Van Zandt, a sad man who bonnie and Clyde’d with the wrong lady, Tanya. Some crazy hoe who likes to use Michael. I think? Unsure at this point.

Issue 1 left us with 4 superpower criminals with a death wish, and 4 members of the A Team suicide squad.

So issue 2 begins with Amanda Waller having a chat with Superman about the big bad she has her goons fighting. And it’s really funny.

She said “Grow up, you fucking cartoon” lmao

Meanwhile, Superman is battling the metahuman gangsta on his own, and Tanya and Michael are boning. But then she decides she’s not into it and says let’s go to sleep. Also Michael has invisible arms. This is the worst superpower ever, but hopefully shit got better when Boris died.

So, Superman was able to find and battle the meta human because he ate Boris and Boris, well, all of them, had a radioactive isotope or some shit injected in them so they could track the meta human. They find this out, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re all going to die before the radiation poisoning gets to them anyway.

Wow what a fun story. This is one you can share with the kiddos. They’ll just love it.

Poor baby King Shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Waller tells them their next mission, and it goes like this

Waller: Find and destroy the meta human. And if there is a hostage, you know, pick him up, or whatever. NBD. Not saying THERE IS ONE, but you know just in case.

Tanya: You mean, Superman? The one you sent in after us? Pretty sure he’s dead cause Meta Human dude ripped out his spine.

Waller: How the fuck do you know that?

Michael: We have shared visions now.

Waller: Ah fuck.

On to the mission, they find Superman and he is FUCKED UP! But he said nffhhh. So he prolly still alive. The jerk. ANYWAYS, they sense the meta human coming home early and they release this gas that Waller gave them that will, idk, do something to the creature, but really it does nothing, spoiler. So the expendable super-powered criminals start fighting each other, except for ol’ Mikey, who just sits back crying and sobbing.

Oh no! That’s our hero! Sort of!

And what he looks like is just a regular ass dude, other than the fact that he is covered in blood and shit and has an erection… So I guess, yeah just a regular ass dude. Nevermind.

Tanya dips out of the fight to find Mike, and she’s all “I hit him really hard, but I feel nothing, I just WANNA FEEL. Wah.”

Then the creature is all “sniff, sniff, I wanna kill this hoe.”

Then Mikey is all, “Oh no you don’t! I like, love her or something!” Then he blasts the creature away.

So the creature decides to murder Boomerang instead! Weeee!!!!

Harley aborts the mission and Xavi, the latino, who hasn’t doesn’t much so far in this series gets a little too excited that he didn’t die and then starts to implode on himself. So Peacemaker gotta come in and start a “Frenzy” Which is the codeword to make King Shark go into a… frenzy. And he eats Xavi before he can explode. And then King Shark gets his powers. Which made me shed some tears, because I don’t want baby King Shark to die!!!! He’s too adorable and sweet to die! It’s not his fault he’s a fucking shark!!!! Ugh. I’m so mad rn.

He just wanna call his mawwmmy.

After this clusterfuck happens, we learn that the meta human…

A. Has the same parasite, Blaze, that the convicts were pumped with

B. He has a sister

C. He won’t die because his species is hardy enough to take the parasite.

D. His species is as of yet, unknown. But apparently not from Krypton, cause they coulda just shot some green bullets and the m’fer in that case.

After learning all of this BS, the criminals are rewarded with alcohol and narcotics. They party and shit, and Mikey dances with Harley and kisses her. So Harley bites him, but that’s not what hurts, what hurts is that she THERAPIZES the shit out of him after that. It was incredible.

Good pep talk, Harls!

On to the next mission, the squad is up after the Justice League took some hits by the creature, so it’s weakened, but their objective for this mission is different, instead of kill, kill, kill, it’s acquire a sample of DNA. Blood, stool, or hair. Whatever.

AND after Tanya confesses her love to Mikey, Peacemaker rips a pubic hair off of the creature and their mission is accomplished!

Oh and the creature gets Lucille. Who was this crazy girl I never mentioned, but she is crazy and shook a baby to death to get into jail. So. No harm, no foul.

Mission not over though, cause this is when all the shit hits the fan. As Lucille is struggling not to blow up, Peacemaker got hit by a stray bolt of lightning through his chest. Harley tries to get Mikey and Tanya to fight back, but Tanya is now a sniveling little wimp just like Mikey and refuses to fight. She just wants to be with her love, and now Mikey don’t love her cause HE IS THE PARASITE. He took everything from her and made her like him. What a bitch.

Moral of the story is, men are trash.

I really like this series.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch.

Simon Spurrier – writer

Aaron Campbell – artist

Jordie Bellaire – colorist.

Episode 41 – The Nickleback of Hollywood

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-gpqqv-11ef4ae

It’s been a minute! Sorry for our brief hiatus, but we’ve been incredibly busy with work picking up and moving. Adulting really isn’t fun…unless you’re talking about Moon Knight to your pal, which is exactly what this episode entails. 

 

Hollywood was in shambles this past week. Superhero’s are getting exposed, people are getting slapped – everyone probably just needs another quarantine so they can chill and take a break from people for a second. We totally get that karaoke bars are triggering for some (plz don’t ever choose a country song) but that’s what weed is for. Take several chill pills Ezra Miller. Violence is never the answer.

 

A new trailer for Dr Strange dropped this past week and we’re just about a month away until we get into some more multiverse shenanigans. May is shaping up to be a great month. 

And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

Dis daddy, ok?

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

You stink, you fucking twat!

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

Wook how wittle Wolverine is! ❤

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

He jumped, dummy.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

No caption needed for this one.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

Hey, you got some Schmutz on your face.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Um, can you please go fix your tie.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

EPISODE 40 – Tom Cruise’s Hit List

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-vkbi2-11cab7c

February was a blur and we’re already 10 days into March. 

Hibernation season is almost over and its time to take off the blankets and layers, and get the hell out of bed (just kidding…we’ll always make time for DC tv shows)

We made it to Episode 40! 40 is a great number, the age of peak life and attractiveness and apparently the episode we get to THANK YOU x a million for helping us reach 1000+ subscribers on our Youtube channel this past week! We love you. Thanks for hanging out with us week after week and listening to our shenanigans. 

SO MUCH NERD NEWS. We were finally blessed with the Obi Wan trailer and it was absolutely breathtaking. We will never be over it.  Our much anticipated DC movies have been pushed back until 2023 (The Flash, Aquaman, Black Adam), Dune Part 2 casting news (Hello Yelena), and there’s a panic in central park, I mean Kraven the Hunter, because our fav, Heroin Charlie from the tv show Girls has entered the nerd world. We are ready.

Cheers!

DEADPOOL WAS GONNA BE IN THE SHANG-CHI CAGE FIGHTS

And They Fucking Thought They Could Get Away With It

New concept art from Shang-Chi and the legend of the ten rings revealed that Deadpool was supposed to make his big MCU debut and they fucking scrapped it!

I imagine whoever’s idea it was to put Deadpool in Shang-Chi got promoted, and whoever vetoed the idea got fired.

This image was created by Andrew Kim and depicts both Deadpool and Proxima Midnight duking it out in the art work. Nobody is really sure if the photo was just Kim dicking around and showing off The Golden Daggers Club and what kinda shit goes on there, or if it truly was supposed to be Deadpool instead of Abomination and Wong.

The main ish is that Proxima Midnight ain’t alive cause Tony killed them with the Infinity Stones. Soo….However I have a lot to say on this subject

  1. um, that doesn’t matter because no one is really dead when it comes to comic book stuff
  2. He could have been the one fighting Abomination
  3. He could have fought literally anyone else
  4. He could have fought Wong. I think we would all give our left kidneys for that fight.

Anyways, guess they had to introduce Abomination cause he is showing up in She-Hulk, so we had to be reminded that he’s still a thing. And Wong, well he’s just so damn lovable and cute why don’t they just throw him in one scene in every MCU movie like instead of Sam J?

All I want to know is, where the heck is Deadpool? Cause he did show up with Korg in a commercial announcing his MCU return. BUT WAS THAT IT? WAS THAT THE BIG OH IM DEADPOOL IM IN THE MCU LOOK AT ME AND KORG.

OMG. 5. He could have fought Korg!

Some people might be like, shut up hoe, stop complaining cause we are definitely getting a Deadpool 3 which is legit af. But to those people I say, you shut up you dumb hoe, I want to see Deadpool in the Multiverse of Madness! Maybe just running around in the X-Mansion feeding grapes to Colossus or something.

But Ryan Reynolds told us he’s not in the Doctah Strange movie. Which is like, do we believe him? I don’t know. Cause I trust that man with my life, but I also trusted Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire with my life as well, and look how that turned out.

I am a ghost.

Mmmmm yeah. K Bye.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Episode 39 – You’ve Got Chain Mail!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-j6tfw-11ab723

A list of the reasons why we watch the Super Bowl: 

1) the trailers

the end. Oh, and Joe Burrow. Duh. And the unlimited amount of alcohol one can consume without being judged.  

But seriously you guys, we were not ready for all of the incredible trailers released! Dr. Strange In the Multiverse of Madness (holy shit), Jurassic Park (holy shittt), Moon Knight (oh my lanta) and many more. We recap them all for you. 

Arguably one of the best Star Wars episodes ever came out this past few weeks featuring our very own Luke Skywalker and THE BABY, our sweet little green goblin, Grogu. Not to mention our favorite cowboy, Cad MF Bane! The Book of Boba Fett finished strong and set the tone for the upcoming Star Wars shows we are counting down the days to. 

Also if you really wanna taste it – we end our episode with a recap of our favorite show, Peacemaker. James Gunn is truly a legend. Wig Wam is getting a whole lot of royalties right about now.

Episode 38 – Space Vampires

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-mt2hy-1197819

Between Peacemaker and The Book of Boba Fett (and a shit ton of other tv shows), we’ve had quite the exciting January. Its honestly perfect timing, since January is the only month out of the year where no one judges you if you sleep on your couch every night or become a hermit (we see you trying not to drink, New Years Resolution people) 

We obviously are not capable of giving up alcohol. We both have tried, but it is not our battle to fight. Maybe Boba or Marty Byrde can take over for us. However, we are exceptional at sleeping during the day and staying up all night. 

….and we kind of go back to our vampire roots with some fun (and very random) nerdy news. Why is it everyone we love has once played a vampire? Hmmmm….