For Peace and Justice, Seize the Enemy Pube!

SUICIDE SQUAD : BLAZE

Suicide Squad Blaze Issue #2 Comic Book Recap

Hello,

and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch. Today we will be talking about our childhood traumas.

Well, never mind, let’s talk about how this new Suicide Squad series is traumatizing me.

What an incredible first issue, if you missed it here’s what happened: There’s a new big bad guy and he’s like Superman but without any humanity. He doesn’t care about money or fame he just wants to watch the world burn. A la Joker I guess? That’s what I was getting anyways. So yeah, Amanda Waller gets called in and she’s like oh shit we gotta take down this motherfucker let me make some potion that can turn my group of evil superhumans into the most powerful beings on the planet!!!

For three months.

Then they die.

She goes to her A Team first, and they all turn her ass down. A-Team= Harley Quinn, King Shark, Peacemaker, and Boomerang.

So after being turned down Amanda goes with Plan B: Having a bunch of super criminals fight it out for the chance to die in three months. And also get super powers. 5 make the cut. one dies on the way,(Boris) and his power is spread out to the remaining 4. Also taking a bit more life from each of them.

This is when we meet the hero of our story, Michael Van Zandt, a sad man who bonnie and Clyde’d with the wrong lady, Tanya. Some crazy hoe who likes to use Michael. I think? Unsure at this point.

Issue 1 left us with 4 superpower criminals with a death wish, and 4 members of the A Team suicide squad.

So issue 2 begins with Amanda Waller having a chat with Superman about the big bad she has her goons fighting. And it’s really funny.

She said “Grow up, you fucking cartoon” lmao

Meanwhile, Superman is battling the metahuman gangsta on his own, and Tanya and Michael are boning. But then she decides she’s not into it and says let’s go to sleep. Also Michael has invisible arms. This is the worst superpower ever, but hopefully shit got better when Boris died.

So, Superman was able to find and battle the meta human because he ate Boris and Boris, well, all of them, had a radioactive isotope or some shit injected in them so they could track the meta human. They find this out, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re all going to die before the radiation poisoning gets to them anyway.

Wow what a fun story. This is one you can share with the kiddos. They’ll just love it.

Poor baby King Shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Waller tells them their next mission, and it goes like this

Waller: Find and destroy the meta human. And if there is a hostage, you know, pick him up, or whatever. NBD. Not saying THERE IS ONE, but you know just in case.

Tanya: You mean, Superman? The one you sent in after us? Pretty sure he’s dead cause Meta Human dude ripped out his spine.

Waller: How the fuck do you know that?

Michael: We have shared visions now.

Waller: Ah fuck.

On to the mission, they find Superman and he is FUCKED UP! But he said nffhhh. So he prolly still alive. The jerk. ANYWAYS, they sense the meta human coming home early and they release this gas that Waller gave them that will, idk, do something to the creature, but really it does nothing, spoiler. So the expendable super-powered criminals start fighting each other, except for ol’ Mikey, who just sits back crying and sobbing.

Oh no! That’s our hero! Sort of!

And what he looks like is just a regular ass dude, other than the fact that he is covered in blood and shit and has an erection… So I guess, yeah just a regular ass dude. Nevermind.

Tanya dips out of the fight to find Mike, and she’s all “I hit him really hard, but I feel nothing, I just WANNA FEEL. Wah.”

Then the creature is all “sniff, sniff, I wanna kill this hoe.”

Then Mikey is all, “Oh no you don’t! I like, love her or something!” Then he blasts the creature away.

So the creature decides to murder Boomerang instead! Weeee!!!!

Harley aborts the mission and Xavi, the latino, who hasn’t doesn’t much so far in this series gets a little too excited that he didn’t die and then starts to implode on himself. So Peacemaker gotta come in and start a “Frenzy” Which is the codeword to make King Shark go into a… frenzy. And he eats Xavi before he can explode. And then King Shark gets his powers. Which made me shed some tears, because I don’t want baby King Shark to die!!!! He’s too adorable and sweet to die! It’s not his fault he’s a fucking shark!!!! Ugh. I’m so mad rn.

He just wanna call his mawwmmy.

After this clusterfuck happens, we learn that the meta human…

A. Has the same parasite, Blaze, that the convicts were pumped with

B. He has a sister

C. He won’t die because his species is hardy enough to take the parasite.

D. His species is as of yet, unknown. But apparently not from Krypton, cause they coulda just shot some green bullets and the m’fer in that case.

After learning all of this BS, the criminals are rewarded with alcohol and narcotics. They party and shit, and Mikey dances with Harley and kisses her. So Harley bites him, but that’s not what hurts, what hurts is that she THERAPIZES the shit out of him after that. It was incredible.

Good pep talk, Harls!

On to the next mission, the squad is up after the Justice League took some hits by the creature, so it’s weakened, but their objective for this mission is different, instead of kill, kill, kill, it’s acquire a sample of DNA. Blood, stool, or hair. Whatever.

AND after Tanya confesses her love to Mikey, Peacemaker rips a pubic hair off of the creature and their mission is accomplished!

Oh and the creature gets Lucille. Who was this crazy girl I never mentioned, but she is crazy and shook a baby to death to get into jail. So. No harm, no foul.

Mission not over though, cause this is when all the shit hits the fan. As Lucille is struggling not to blow up, Peacemaker got hit by a stray bolt of lightning through his chest. Harley tries to get Mikey and Tanya to fight back, but Tanya is now a sniveling little wimp just like Mikey and refuses to fight. She just wants to be with her love, and now Mikey don’t love her cause HE IS THE PARASITE. He took everything from her and made her like him. What a bitch.

Moral of the story is, men are trash.

I really like this series.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch.

Simon Spurrier – writer

Aaron Campbell – artist

Jordie Bellaire – colorist.

Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️