Hola mis amigos. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.
Okay, that’s as far as my Spanish goes. I stumbled upon this little bookaroo written by none other than Jon Favreau. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Happy his-damn-self. Also the director of the amazing Iron Man movies. Well, the first one was good anyway. I saw it three times in the theater because I am a mess of a person.
This is a Marvel Knights comic book, which means all of these events are taking place just outside of the Marvel Universe. And it’s easy to tell once we get into it.
The artist is Adi Granov and the art is very real. Like these characters look like real people and it really creeps me out. You’ll see.
So before we get started you should know that in this universe everyone thinks that Iron Man is Tony Stark’s bodyguard.
Let the re-story telling begin. Ahem. So ACTUALLY Elsa Bloodstone is here. She’s a bad betch as you may recall from my recap of her Zombie adventure. Now she’s blonde for some reason but ya know bitches can change their hair color from time to time. That’s fine. She is an archaeologist of sorts and she’s representing a rich guy to this man who has dug up a prize. It’s a giant golden lizard or something.
When they’re bopping around the caves she’s like “Hey why are the guards inside?” And the guy who is showing her around is like “Yeah, good catch. Your dad who is cooler than you really taught you well. These guards are inside because they’re trying to keep the evil that is in here from getting outside.” And she’s all “great, we’ll take it.”
Next, we skip over to Tony Stark. He’s on one of his commercial planes drinking whiskey and the girl next to him is like, “You’re Tony Stark why don’t you fly one of your private planes.” And he’s like “Oooo, what’s your name, I’m a creep.”
Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer his grossness because a terrorist declares that there is a bomb on this plane. And Tony is like that’s my cue to exit. He goes into the bathroom a la Superman in a telephone booth and comes out as Iron Man and shuts this terrorist up by grabbing him and taking him for a ride outside. The thing is that he blasted out of the roof of the plane. Which is probably a bad idea, cause you know then everyone’s lives became endangered because they couldn’t breathe. So Iron Man throws the terrorist out into the sky and he plummets to his death.
While Iron Man returns to the plane to tell everyone that they’ll be fine and just keep breathing through the masks. Everyone is like “You suck. You made us breathe through these masks.” So he darts out of the hole in the plane again and decides that he needs a vacation because no one cared that he just saved all these lives. I mean, that’s what you get when you fly commercial.
Tony decides to head to Las Vegas for the hotrod show which is probably a thing.
Tony goes to the pool and scams on some girls who are wayyy too young for him, bro and creeps on them. Saying THE creepiest line I’ve ever heard in my life.
They, of course, head back to his hotel room with him because, as well know, hoes ain’t loyal. But they’re like we actually don’t want to fuck you, we want to fuck your bodyguard.
Meanwhile, these construction workers, or something, are putting together the giant lizard in front of a new casino. MEAN MEANWHILE thousands of lizards are running around Vegas and its weird.
Just before Tony is about to get it in with the two hoes he met at the pool, Pepper calls him and tells him she needs him, now. Not in that way. She just meant that there’s some fucking lizards flooding the streets and that Iron Man should probs do something about it.
The leaping lizards are all over the news and the news anchors are like, “this is insane all flights have been canceled and this is the worst time in Las Vegas for a Lizard infestation to happen because The Golden Dragon Casino is about to open and everyone and their moms have come to see its opening!”
TO BE CONTINUED.
This is a four-part series so even though not much happened in this first issue, I’m def going to continue reading. I’m like one-quarter full involved in it already anyway. Plus Elsa Bloodstone is in it and she my gurl.