Captain Marvel

The Queen is getting herself a blog post.

Bout time.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

So it starts off in a confusing way as I am always confused about everything always. It’s a movie set and there’s a woman playing captain Marvel but it’s before she got her bad ass haircut, and then there’s a chubby dude playing her love interest.

Captain Marvel is watching from afar with her friend and she’s utterly disgusted at how she’s being portrayed/ treated by the love interest.

So why is she allowing this movie to happen? Why to fund the Alpha Flight of course!

Carole gets into a fight with the director and apparently, it’s not the first time she has complained about the movie. First, it was the title, then it was the costume (too much cleavage) and now its the shitty dialogue. She is interrupted in her fight with the director by her Beyonce ringtone. Who has a ringtone anymore? Don’t we all just have it on vibrate always?

Anyways it’s the president calling her. Normal.


Fuck any porn stars lately?


So now they’re ready for a mission and we learn that Sasquatch is her chauffeur and that he also eats the cookies that Carole’s fans bake for her. Workin 2 jobs? I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

The Black Forest Refugee camp was attacked by army rangers so now Carole has to save the day. Also, I should mention those army rangers are supposed to be the good guys, so it’s extra weird. Also, they took hostages, one hostage, in particular, catches Danvers’ eye because she’s a little Kree girl.


Carole got her powers from the Kree people so she feels she has an obligation to this little Kree girl.

The refugee camp looks like a refugee camp and she’s like “whoa something happened here.” I’m like, “bitch that a refugee camp obviously shit happenin here.”

They all look like this. OR WORSE!

Carole covers some survivors in blankets because that’s what you do when you help people while she needles them with questions about who did it and where the little girl is.

There’s a guy blowing up the watchtower so Carole is like “I should probably start there.”

And it turns out that was the correct choice because there’s a bad man holding the little Kree girl off of the watchtower’s edge.

He’s a bounty hunter and a floating orb hovers over to him and he forces the girl inside.




Apparently, the blue-skinned Kree are protected by intergalactic accord, so what he is doing is extra bad. Like shooting a white kid over a black kid.

SO this bounty hunter is a shape-shifting son of a gun and he shifts into the little Kree girl and she’s attacking him and it looks like she’s attacking the Kree kid. Obv. Idk why I double explained that.

Carole blows up the watchtower and takes off with the floating orb that contains the Kree child and brings it into the Alpha Flight spaceship and shows off her new bestowal to her friends.


Casually blowing shit up


They let the kid out of the pod and she only knows the word “no.” so that’s a whole thing.

Everyone on Alpha Flight is pretty disgusted by the kid, but kids are disgusting so it makes a lot of sense.

Since the child doesn’t speak English they get a universal translator and it turns out the child is really dumb. She can’t speak any language she just repeats what people say to her.

They decide to call her Bean, which is cute but then I think about that annoying kid Beans from Even Stevens and then I don’t think it’s cute anymore.

Carole attends her board meeting with Captain America and Black Panther and…others and she’s like I don’t want to do your work until I’m done with mine and they’re like uh no. You have to do it.

Then this shadow appears.




And says that they acquired the “bounty” and that Carole Danvers took the Kree girl as “bait.” Then the shadow turns into CAROLE!

Bang. Got her.

Shit’s gonna get weird. With a whole mess of intergalactic refugees trying to head to Earth and our president doesn’t even want Mexicans here so, lyke, we gotta figure this ! And Black Panther doesn’t even care. He’s out sitting in Wakanda, Like whatever. Fuck this I live in Wakanda and the rest of the world can burn I’ll be fine. Or that’s what I imagine he’s thinking anyways.

Did you like this comic book? Has anyone read the series? Let me know if it gets better and I should continue. I heard that I have to continue reading Runaways that it gets better after a slow initial start.

Author: Comic Book Bitch

Comedian and comic book enthusiast.

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