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Peacemaker Series First Thoughts

This is what it feels like when doves cry.

Hello, and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch.

Today we will be deep-diving into the premiere episode of the new Peacemaker series on HboMax.

And by deep-dive, I mean I am going to explain deeply shallow thoughts about the series with which I have no business discussing.

Now, if you haven’t seen the first episode of Peacemaker then just read this sloppily put together recap of the first episode first and then we’ll dive head-first into the shallow end of a concrete pool.

The series takes place pretty much immediately, or as much time as it takes a clavicle to be replaced in the human body, after Suicide Squad 2.

For my thoughts on Suicide Squad 2, listen to my podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra.

If you don’t want to listen to the podcast then here’s my thoughts: I fucking loved it. Except I hated Peacemaker, but in a love to hate way.

And I continue on my love to hate way about him on this series since he comes off as a lovable oaf despite him killing my best friend, Rick Flag.

SO! Peacemaker/ Chris has had his clavicle replaced, then he’s released and he’s like ummm, am I going back to prison? And he has no friends, so he asks this hospital janitor that he smoked pot with once if there’s cops out there. And there conversation goes like this.

Janitor: No, there’s no cops. Why?

Chris: Cause I was in prison for killing people.

Janitor: Oh why?

Chris: Cause I’m a superhero

Janitor: You have the wrong body type to be a superhero. And your face is at most 5/10.

Chris: I’m a fucking superhero!

Janitor: Aquaman is a superhero. And he’s gorgeous af. Have you seen that bod? That hair? That face? Yummm. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling? Did you hear that Jason Momoa is single?

Chris: Aquaman fucks women, men, and fish.

Janitor: No he doesn’t.

Chris: He gives the guy who works at the aquarium $50 every week and goes in the fish tanks and has his way with all the little fishies.

Janitor: Nah.

Chris: It’s true, I read it on Reddit.

Janitor: Wow, I just got the name of that site.

So no one, including any police, are there to take him so he goes back to his home, a nasty trailer, and he realizes his phone is still working which means he has been paying his cell phone bill from prison for four years, which means he ain’t got no money. Then these nerds from Suicide Squad 2 show up and are like, “hey you have to work with us or we will blow up your head.” So Chris is like, okay. Then he goes to his dad’s house to complain about his phone bill. His dad don’t give af, all he cares about is white supremacy.

Oh somewhere during this time we are introduced to Tastee from Orange is the New Black, she is married to a woman whose vagina we see in later episodes, and they are mothers to three small doggos who like to wear fancy sweaters.

AND she is Amanda Waller’s daughter. Which is like, oh wow Amanda Waller can’t be that bad, she is a mother and her daughter is awesome. But then you’re like ohhhh wait she is like super demented using Deadshot and Bloodsport’s daughters as collateral for getting them to work fer her. lmao.

K, so Chris gets a new helmet from his daddy, and his pet Eagly back and Eagly hugs him which is cute. Then he meets up with the nerds at a diner, and he calls a waitress sweet cheeks referring to her facial cheeks, but we all know that’s not what it means.

God this recap is so long. Okay so then Peacemaker follows the hot blonde nerd to a bar and tries to fuck her, she tells him off, but also says that he is handsome. And it’s like, no he fucking isn’t. Like yeah, he is tall and muscular, but that face. That is not a hot face. He has 2/3 I’ll give him that. And 2/4 if you count personality, but he ain’t hot. Like you need at least a 3/4 to be hot. Some might argue with me that personality doesn’t matter when it comes to hotness, but as a straight woman I can tell you that with the filth I deal with on a daily basis a nice personality really does come in handy. But I digress.

Anyways, blonde nerd leaves and Peacemaker finds some white trash to bone, and that’s great for him. He’s been in prison for four years. He can live a little. Unfortunately, after they fuck over the sink, she turns crazy and attacks him with a knife and beats the shit out of him really bad, so much so that he has to hurl himself out of a window at five stories in the air, which is not good for his recently replaced clavicle.

He manages to crawl to his car and sends Eagly up in the air as he scrounges around for his brand new spanking helmet that his white trash daddy made for him. Meanwhile, the white trash girl has jumped out of the fifth floor window with ease and does a superhero pose for good measure.

ANYWAYS, White trash girl finds Peacemaker but he puts his little helmet on and sends out a sonic blast just in time to explode the bitch.

And that was the episode. No need to watch it if you haven’t seen it already because I did really good job recapping it.

OKAY THANKS BAI!

XOXOXO COMIC BOOK BITCH

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Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Featured

Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

wedding bells for some top tier Marvel characters!!

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Featured

Fuck Off Everyone

Eternals Fans Hungry For Blood After Post-Credits Scene Is Spoiled Online

Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?

So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.

After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING

A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.

Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?

Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.

Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.

I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.

I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.

LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.

I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.

I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.

Fuck off everyone.

XOXO – Comic Book Bitch.

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Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland Rude To Blogger

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchiseI think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

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The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

DC finally decided to make The Flash Movie Happen

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

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Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️

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Kingo Goes for a Sexy Ride in A Lexus

Eternals Star, Kingo, promotes Lexus cars to the imbecilic Marvel audience .

Kingo recently hit the road in his Lexus IS 500 sports sedan in a new promotional attempt between Marvel Studios and Lexus. The two-minute promo spot portrays Kingo as an idiot guy who would rather take a sports car to a battle when human lives are at stake, rather than use one of his borne super powers of flight or teleportation. Hell this moron could have ran super fast to the battleground! Instead, Kingo drives his flashy car and that gets him into quite the pickle as he can’t find a dern parking spot! Doh!

Kingo drives his stupid car through the streets as his teammates look worriedly around for their 10th member. As the battle rages on all around him he finds that he’s much more interested in finding a parking spot for his fancy car rather than help his friends or save the world. He receives a notification from Sersi to “hurry.” OBVIOUSLY. But Kingo dgaf. Not even a little bit, cause if there is flaming debris being chucked around, he can’t take the risk that it might hit his, most likely well-insured, vehicle.

As he continues to look for a safe place to park his Lexus S 500 sports sedan, his tiny little teammate, Sprite, calls him up and she sounds very concerned that he hasn’t arrived yet, and ya know they could really use his help against these extremely dangerous and formidable foes.

Kingo is like, “hey I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive, I need to concentrate on finding a parking spot. If you need help, maybe call an Avenger or something. Okay, take care, bye bye now.”

Well, can’t wait for the Eternals to release on November 5th! I really hope Kingo can find himself a damn parking spot!!

XOXO- ComicBookBitch.

-Check back often for all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and Eternals Movie Updates!

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What If? Episode 5 Live Reaction

What If? Episode 5 LIVE REACTION!

WHAT IF? ZOMBIES!?

Hank Pym and friends are at it again. This time, instead of Hank murdering the entire Avengers team he brought a Zombie in from the Quantum Realm!?

How? Maybe a plot hole…OR MAYBE SOMEONE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE AND INTERFERED?

Poor Janet Van Dyne, can’t seem to catch a God Damn break.

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And Now, We’ve Said It.

In Batman: Urban Legends #6, Tim Drake’s Robin finally decides he likes dick, too.

In the latest Batman: Urban Legends, monthly anthology series, we pick up the story of Tim Drake AKA Robin. Meghan Fitzmartin as well as art by Belén Ortega and Alejandro Sanchez, created this issue, obviously because women and Latinos aren’t weird about LGBT+ stuff.

So, like, basically Tim broke up with his on and off again gf Stephanie Brown (Spoiler) and he’s pretty annoyed by his attempts to always try to do what Batman would want instead of exploring what HE WANTS. Like, he didn’t even need years of therapy to make these breakthroughs. I am so jealous.

So anyways in this issue, Tim’s old friend, Bernard, is in a cult. But one that sacrifices teens so when Tim saves Bernie he’s like, “wow I really like this dude. If he died I would be so sad cause I wanna mouth kiss him.” And despite being named Bernard, he’s pretty cute, so when Bernie and Tim fight side by side to overtake the evil cult, things get pretty hot.

After they save the day, Tim heads over to Bernard’s house, and old Bernard asks Tim on a date. Tim is like Hell yeah lemme get all up in those jeans.

Now, for longtime comic readers, we were all pretty sure that Robin was gay. But NOW it seems he is bisexual, as he had a long term love affair with Stephanie Brown. It was on and off again, but even if he liked her, he probs wasn’t exploring other aspects of himself, as he mentions in Batman: Urban Legends #4.

AND AGAIN longtime comic book readers, can tell that he probably chose this moment to come out with his true identity, because like, he was totes in love with his Young Justice teammate, Superboy. When the Conner Kent Superman Clone died, Tim Drake DID NOT TAKE IT WELL! Like, everyone thought it was just a “bromance.” But, then after Conner died, Tim Drake tried to bring him back from the dead and would not stop telling everyone he knew that he “couldn’t live” without his best friend. Now, I’m not saying they were playing “hide the sausage together,” but I am saying that Tim Drake DEF wanted to fuck his friend. Which is BEAUTIFUL. IT’S CALLED LOVE, PEOPLE!

So anyways, I’m happy for Tim Drake’s Robin coming out. I’ll say it once, and I’ll probably not say it again, Great job, DC!

I guess the only thing left to do is to JUST TELL ME THAT BATMAN AND THE JOKER ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your Comic Book Resources, Comic Book News, DC News, DC updates, Batman News, and Robin Updates.

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Eternals’ Sersi: A Different Type Of Hoe.

Gemma Chan, who plays Sersi in the upcoming Eternals movie, revealed that Sersi is “not like other girls.”

“I think this is going to be a really different, special film,” Chan said in an interview with British Vogue.

Chan also brought up that the director is an East Asian woman, so she actually knows how to write characters that are women. Unlike previous directors who believed that Black Widow’s only power was to shake her ass and make out with dudes.

The Eternals movie is about 10 different superheroes, but, like, obviously it’s going to mostly be about how Sersi never wanted Robb Stark’s dick, and once she gets Jon Snow’s D, she’s like, “Actually, Now I think The Red Wedding was my fave episode.” Even Kevin Feige was quoted as saying that “if there was a lead in this ensemble it’s probably- wait, what did ya’ll say? Sersi? LOL. Wait, stop that can’t be right! It has to be Ajak, right? Hold up! Now you’re saying they cast Ajak as a fucking chick. Dude wtf. Someone is getting fired.”

Wow, Kevin. Just, wow.

Gemma Chan shot back at Feige by saying that “Sersi is not like other girls. She may not be the best fighter, but she’s an empath.”

To which Feige replied, “A what?”

Kevin Feige then asked Gemma why she looked so familiar, and she replied that she was in Captain Marvel. To which Feige replied, “You mean, Captain America?”

Can’t wait for November 5th!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and dumb bitch shit.

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Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

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Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

youtube.com/watch

In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

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Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

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Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch can travel through multiverses!

uhhhh what!!!

Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!

I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.

But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭

Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?

I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.

But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?

Am I thinking way too much into this??

Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.

Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories

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Invincible

I just started watching Invincible yesterday and I already watched all 7 episodes out now.

It is safe to say that I am obsessed with this show. I read the comic a few years ago and then fell off of reading it. I can’t wait to go back and re read everything now!

The tv show is dark and dangerous and really really fucking gross with all of the blood and gore, but that’s what makes it so good.

Invicible’s Steven Yuen can really deliver those one-liners like a pro, and I have to say, it makes me really happy to see an Asian superhero. idk many others, especially not ones you find in mainstream media.

I’m sure there is something gross and fetish-y out there with Asian super women because white men dominate the comic book industry. But that’s another topic entirely.

I really also like that they got Asian actors to voice their Asian characters, it seems like such a small thing but it makes a big impact. It’s upsetting when POC are portrayed by white people on television, even if they’re just lending their voices.

Anyways, I can’t wait to watch more. Are you watching Invincible?

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, nerd news, nerd opinions, invincible news, and fangirl bull shit.

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Y: The Last Man Series Coming To FX on HULU

In the new FX on HULU trailer we see what is coming to the streaming service from FX and apparently it’s a lot. This trailer shows little peeks of new and old shows including American Horror Stories Anthology series, Reservation Dogs, The Old Man, AND Y: The Last Man.

If you haven’t read Y: The Last Man, it’s probably because you missed My Must Read List for Quarantine.

For those that haven’t read the comic series by Brian K. Vaughan (SAGA) and Pia Guerra (Doctor Who) it is a series that takes place after every male (animals and humans included) were killed. So it’s a Utopia.

Just kidding, it’s like a big deal I guess. For me, it’s like Thank God the human race is over and we can all just run at night without the fear of getting raped, amiright?

Anyways, there’s still one rapist, I mean man left and that is Yorick Brown and his capuchin monkey, Ampersand. So freaking cute. They are best buddies and all they want is to find out why they’re the last dudes on Earth.

The show will be directed by Melina Matsoukas and starring Ben Schnetzer, Diane Lane, Amber Tamblyn, Imogen Poots, Lashana Lynch, Marin Ireland, Elliot Fletcher, and Juliana Canfield.

Can you believe it?

Since this has been in the works since 2015 I can barely believe it’s finally happening! If it’s anything like the comic book it’s going to be amazing!!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, marvel news, DC news, and Y-The Last Man updates!

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The Queen in Black is Back! Black Cat #3 Comic Book Recap

Writer: Jed MacKay

Artist: C.F. Villa

If you don’t know what’s going on in Felicia Hardy’s world during this King In Black Marvel Event, I suggest you check out my previous Black Cat Recap.

Now that we’re all caught up, you know that Felicia touched the magic wand that Doctor Strange was going to use to defeat the symbiote army, however since Doctor Strange was incapacitated Felicia decided to do it herself.

This issue finds Felicia trapped in a dark room with Black Fox, her father’s mentor, or rather, a dude who has taken on the shape of Black Fox? She believes that after she touched the wand she died, but Fox assures her this isn’t true.

Not the Black Fox aye? Definitely a Silver Fox tho

He goes on to tell her that he is old magic and basically he’s there to see if she’s worthy of the power she’s now holding.

Back in the real world she’s basically on autopilot, or as I like to call it, “being blacked out from overconsumption.”

Or at least that’s the only time I’ve had that experience. I’ve never touched an Asgardian wand. But I do know what I’m going to call going out to get drunk from now on.

Same thing I say when I see myself in a snapchats the day after a blackout! Wow so much in common.

So Felicia is all “I need to get back” and Fox is all “Come walk through this weird chess room with me.”

Oh I get it, it’s a test.

Felicia heads back and forth from the Asgardian body to the Magic Box or whatever the thing is that she is in, and she kills some symbiote dragons. I can explain this by coming to from a black out, or if you watch Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then it’s called “browning out”

Me replaying an IG story of taking a shot as another gets placed in my hand.

Fox decides to test her and find out her vulnerabilities and it goes like this:

Fox: When did you feel most vulnerable?

Black Cat: When my mom told me my dad died, but he was just in jail. So she a lyin’ ass hoe.

Fox: Gross.

BC: Yeah rude af. But I guess that was hard on her?

Fox: But mostly hard on you, right? Like when Doc Ock fucked up your shit?

BC: Yeah that sucked.

Doctor Strange then wakes us from his coma and he’s like she touched it? GOD DAMMIT! Meanwhile Asgardian Black Cat is still mercin’ all these hoes.

Still don’t know when she found time to braid her hair.

Felicia and Fox continue their “deep” conversation.

Fox : You needed power, Spider-Man showed you that. But no one would give you power except King Pin

Black Cat: Yeah. I know, idiot. I was there.

Read this. It’s kind of the point of the issue and I’m too lazy to explain.

Anyways

Fox: Look at all these people who beat you up.

BC: This is annoying, shut up.

Fox: Are you ready to say yes to ultimate power?

BC: Depends on what I get.

Fox: Your family back together

BC: Cool.

Fox: Power to kill all your enemies.

BC: Cool, cool.

Fox: All your former lovers will love you again.

BC: Those fucking nerds? Hell no! Fuck you I don’t want it!

Fox: WHUUUU??

SOMEBODY CATCH HER!

One of her nerds catches her from the sky and then Doctor Strange is all “wtf.”

And Black Cat is all “I almost took it all, but I really didn’t wanna touch Spider-Man’s peen again.”

It’s almost like it’s inside him

Of course it does end there, a bunch of symbiotes dragons are flying towards them.

Felicia asks Doctor Strange to magic her buddies out of there because all she wants is her nerds to be safe. They get teleported away to safety and Felicia and the Doctor get ready to fight some symbiotes.

Peen-nuts. Now I get it.

AND THAT’S THAT!

Their story continues in King in Black #4!

let me know in the comments if you’d like me to do a recap of that one. I do loves me some Black Cat!

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Army of the Dead Trailer

I love zombies and I love Dave Bautista. And I will love this movie.

The jist is this: A group of bad ass motherfuckers with guns enter a quarantine zone in Las Vegas to pull off the biggest heist ever!

WHY?

Does money even matter in a post apocalyptic world? Or maybe they just wanted to enjoy the casino-hotel amenities?

Who knows?

Not this betch.

What I do know is that it is taking place in Las Vegas which means the costume department had a lot of fun with this one.

I bet they will be able to do some really fun stuff with who they’re killing as zombies, people dressed in feathers or whatever.

And Zac Snyder is directing! How did he ever find the time directing this and Justice League!?

Tig Notaro is in this too! She is one of my most favorite comedians ever!

Coming to a Netflix streaming app near you!

  • Comic Book Betch – For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and new action movie trailers
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Are we about to find out some crazy shit about Señor Scratchy?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Agatha…All Along. Her mysterious background and reasoning for being involved in the hex, why “Quicksilver” is watching over her house, but mostly why she is keeping that rabbit.

In the comic books, Agatha has a son named Nicholas Scratch, so is the bunny, who played a major role in episode 2, an important character?

I don’t think they would bother introducing Señor Scratchy at all if there was no way he had something to with what’s going on. Sure Wanda needed a rabbit for her show, but that doesn’t explain all the camera cutaways to him in Agatha’s house.

I think we’re about to meet Señor Scratchy in the flesh in the next episode.

For those who don’t know, Nicolas Scratch was the head of the Salem’s Seven, a villainous group he used to attack Agatha and the boy she nanny’s for, nbd but Franklin Richards- an omega level mutant and son to Susan and Reed Richards. SO.

Maybe she’ll just tell a story about how she turned her shitty son into a rabbit or maybe the rabbit will turn back into her son and play antagonist to Agatha…or be her backup.

There are several ways Disney+ can go with this, and most people are saying that it is Mephisto. That would be really exciting! I can’t wait to see who Señor Scratchy really is! Maybe he’ll be played by the actor that Paul Bettany has been talking about in interviews about the show!!!

Solved it!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and WandaVision theories!

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Conan The Barbarian Uses a Human Shield Against The X-Men!

And you’ll never guess who it was!

Or maybe you will!

It was Deadpool!

The best human shield in the land! He is knife proof, bulletproof, and even nuclear bomb proof.

It is nice knowing that at the end of the world, Deadpool will still be there with his little thumbs up.

If anyone survives the end of the world, I want it to be Ryan Reynolds.

Deadpool, Conan and Night Flyer break into the Hellfire Club to grab a little spending money. Unfortunately three X-Men (Ice Man, Calisto, Bishop) show up, as the Hellfire Club is for them. Soon Calisto pulls out a tiny dagger, that Deadpool scoffs at, joking that Ant-Man must have gotten a hold of her sword- she slashes at Deadpool and he falls into Conan’s loving arms.

I’m sure that Deadpool initially enjoyed this. Being caught by his teammate, and new friend. Finally someone cares for Deadpool! He must have felt warm and happy being held onto by those big muscular arms. I can almost hear him tittering now.

Of course, that turns out not to be the best position for Deadpool to be in. After they are threatened once again by the X-Men, Conan pulls Deadpool in tighter. Deadpool, probably believing this to be a nice hug after he was brutally stabbed, falls tenderly into the hug.

Unfortunately, this is when Bishop starts shooting, and Conan, with nothing but Deadpool to protect himself throws Deadpool’s bulletproof body right into Bishop’s line of fire.

Now, I’ve seen everything.

I guess that’s why they’re the savage avengers, cause that was savage af.

After that a battle ensues and ends on a very intriguing note. I gotta say, If you haven’t picked up Savage Avengers #18 yet, then what happens on the last page- a battle-ending blow- is worth it to get up now and scramble to the closest Comic Book store to pick up your issue!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and Deadpool updates.

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Cable #8 Comic Book Recap: This shit is getting good.

Writer: Gerry Dugan

Artist: Phil Noto

I decided on recapping Cable this week, because this issue finally had the action we’ve been waiting for. Unlike in the X-Men comics where they just talk in a circle all day, Cable is out here doing the damn thing. And I’m talking about pubescent Cable here.

Our story begins with a partnership as old as time, Cable and Domino. Ah, young love.

Cable breaks the ice by asking her how her powers work, and she describes it like a cosmic event. Where all the asteroids just seems to line up in a certain way, and that’s her luck.

He’s counting on her luck, which caused him to follow her to Tokyo even though they’re after the clone of his older self, Stryfe and they have no proof that he would even think about going to Japan.

Cable: So we’re in Tokyo, because of your powers, right? We should be here?

Domino: What? No. I wanted Gyoza.

So they head to a spot that Domino likes and get some fucking dumplings.

How can either of you tell where the other one is looking?

Turns out, Domino is lucky because Cable wasn’t looking at her “that way” he was staring right past her head and checking out an old man Cable clone. The baby-napper in the flesh!

Cable jumps up and runs after him. Domino decides to steal a few moments to get her snack on.

My brain is telling me follow you, but my heart is saying “MAWR DUMPLINS”

Cable follows the clone through the restaurant and shoots at him while they’re in the kitchen, because restaurant workers aren’t people. No need to treat them like they deserve to live.

The baby-napper clone runs downstairs where he has some sort of secret underground hideaway and he shuts the high-tech door behind him and now Cable has nowhere to go.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Stryfe has an underground hideaway below a dumpling shop? No? Just me. Well, fuck you, then.

After Cable shoots at the locked door a few times to no avail, he decides to walk over in front of it and cry about his life. As he is whining about how he can’t do anything right, when he literally wins everything, the high-tech door scans his retina and lets him right in.

Dummy, it’s your clone’s hideaway. Of course you can fucking get in.

Nathan and Baby-Napper have a conversation and it goes like this:

Cable: I’m pointing my gun at you!

BN: You’re dumb and you plan bad.

Cable: I’m so upset with myself and I constantly battle with inner demons.

BN: Uhk.

Cable: I’m a sad boi.

BN: I’m going to press this button

Cable: Don’t press it, I’ll shoot you.

BN: I’m gonna press it.

Cable: Don’t.

BN: I pressed it.

Then Cable shoots him and he dies. BUT all these tiny baby Cable clones come out. Okay they’re not baby-babies but they are young Cable clones. Just as cute.

LOOK AT ALL THE WITTLE BABY WUB WUBS!! (heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji)

Cable fights his clones, and also battles his inner demons, meanwhile, Domino walks in with dumplings hanging out of her mouth and stupidly asks “hrmrmrhshfm??”

Cops and superheroes don’t go to jail for killing people, Domino. Idiot.

She decides to take a breath and look up from her box of noodles and she pulls out her gun.

She shoots every clone except the one that yells “cease fire, I’m friendly!”

She stops and he walks over to her and he’s like “how did you know it was me?”

And she’s all, “I didn’t” Then she shoots him in the head.

And then I was like AHHH OMG. SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT CABLE!

You misunderstood me, Domino! Being a cop or superhero only works if you’re a man! Women get held accountable for ALL OF their actions!

Then ANOTHER Cable dusts his knees off and comes out of the woodwork and is like, “are you out of bullets?”

And Domino is like, “yeah, but even If I had one left, I probably wouldn’t shoot you, Real Cable Baby.”

Cable calls in a team to clean up the clone bodies, meanwhile Domino is like, hey there were 12 clones in here and I only shot 11. One got away.

They dip out and find this little fool real quick. Sticking out like a tall white boy in Japan as it were.

The clone knocks Cable and Domino down and then reveals his evil plan to return to Krakoa in Cable’s place.

Domino and Cable are both being psionically held down so they can’t stop him from killing them.

Luckily, remember that weird meteor thing I mentioned earlier?

Yeah. Well one of those things comes sailing out of the sky and right into clone Cable’s pretty little face.

That’s a meteor, bitch!

Cable then blames Domino, and Domino is like, shut up I didn’t kill him, a meteor did, dummy.

So Cable is back to having no leads because this clone’s head just randomly busted open.

Domino tells Cable to lose her number and dips out. Cable then texts his buddies about how he left a bunch of dead bodies in Japan, and they let him know that X-Factor is inbound to clean up his little messy. I don’t know how they got a hold of X-Factor tho, because last I heard they were down to three measly members on account of all of them getting totally whacked by Morrigan.

COOL RIGHT?
But it’s not over! After our baby Cable story we get a little peek at what old man Cable is doing. He’s hunting some fuckers, hidden in a cape and carrying a big ass gun. That’s what Cable does best, hoes!

Cable walks in and tells his little robot buddy to wait outside.

He traipses in like he owns the place, but he notices a string on the ground, a booby trap. He’s too smart for that though and he walks right over it.

Unfortunately, right over that string is a giant hole.

So yeah, he gets immediately trapped in a pitfall.

I call this one: Cable falling into the abyss.

WHAT AN IDIOT!

What did you think about this issue? This Cable run is finally getting good huh?! I THINK SO!

PLUS WE GOT A DOMINO CAMEO!

WOW. WOW.WOW.

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book updates, comic book reviews, comic book recaps, and comic book news.

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Has Wanda Learned Her Lesson At All? According To This Sneak Peek, NO!

I know we’re all very excited for tomorrow’s episode of WandaVision, but for comic books fans it’s a bit of a slow burn because we kinda already know what’s going to happen. But this is technically the MCU and they could change things up at any moment.

First off, there are so many theories about how this show is going to go. One of the theories is that Quicksilver is secretly Mephisto, there’s another theory that Ultron has been hiding in the Hex the whole time, Agnes is Agatha Harkness, etc.

I do believe Agnes is Agatha Harkness, btw, she was dressed as a freaking witch for Halloween. DUH.

Anyways, before I get into MY theories, I just wanted to point out that Wanda does not fucking care that she is controlling all of these people. She is acting more like she has a hangover than she feels any sort of remorse. However, I do believe that although this is her HEX, somehow Hydra is involved and probably aided in creating this Hex since she can’t remember how it started and isn’t quite sure how she’s doing it. Obviously Hydra is involved because the commercials are for Hydra shit.

ANYWAYS, now for my theories, Remember how Vision almost died in episode 6 because he was trying to crawl out of the Hex? Is the Hex the only thing keeping him alive? He was literally falling apart being outside of it, so that’s scary because if she gets rid of the Hex she kills Vision. That’s why she expanded it, but of course if he keeps trying to leave she can’t take over the whole world…Or can she?

All we know is that she stole Vision’s body. We don’t know when or how he came back to life. Cause you know Thanos killed him. For real. This could be tied into how the Hex is changing people’s body composition. Like, how Monica was warned not to go back in the Hex because her body was changing. Did Billy and Tommy get powers from the Hex or was it because they are Wanda’s children?

Speaking of Monica, is her body changing in a way that will give her powers? I think so. Since she has powers in the comic book, she might be getting them from the Hex in this version of her character.

The last theory I want to talk about is Quicksilver. This is Evan Peters, not Aaron Taylor Johnson. Everyone is just dismissing this as ATJ needed to be recast or that this will open the world to the Fox mutants.

I sort of agree, in that this is going to open up to a new world. But to the Fox mutants? I don’t know, what I do know is that Wanda will be in Doctor Strange’s Multiverse of Madness, which finds the heroes in many different dimensions, the most popular ones I can think of from the comic books is Earth-65 and Earth-616, but obviously, there’s a lot.

We’re getting three different Spider-Men, SO!

Perhaps Evan Peters is simply a Quicksilver from another dimension! She pulled him from his own dimension, a world where he survived the shooting.

This explains why he mentions being shot, but it doesn’t explain why Wanda sees him as a dead body like she saw Vision as a dead body. Of course she could just be seeing this because that’s her memory of her brother in this dimension.

BUT I’m pretty sure this is a different dimension’s Quicksilver that she brought in, which would be a great introduction to the Multiverse of Madness, since now we know we can take characters from any dimension. INCLUDING villains!

Also, twincest.

Hey, it’s my brother, but it’s my brother from another dimension.

TBH I thought she had more chemistry with Aaron Taylor Johnson.

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Disney+ news, and WandaVision theories.

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The Cruella Trailer!

The trailer for Disney’s Cruella is out now. And I’m fucking pumped.

A mood.

Cruella has always been my favorite Disney princess, so I simply cannot wait until this movie comes out. Also, I love the accent that Emma Stone made up. It’s like British meets Atlantic meets Moira Rose.

Très chic!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Disney news, and Disney+ updates.

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Will the Sinister Six appear in Spider-Man 3??

Anyone else beginning to think that the Sinister Six will be involved in the plot of Spider-Man 3?

If Mysterio is going to be in the next film, or “his presence” as noted by news sources, and Mysterio and the first villain, the Vulture, was also in the Sinister Six then it is a possibility.

Also! Since all of the universes are tied together now, technically we have seen Electro, Doc Ock and the Sandman as villains as well (other members of the sinister six)

The only missing member is Kraven the Hunter, who could definitely make his presence known in the beginning of the film or in one of the other upcoming marvel films.

Amiright or am I crazy? Cause I think I’m both.

– Follow Comic Book Betch for comic book news, comic book resources, and MCU updates.

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Boys Season 3 Begins Filming Today!

The Boys have officially begun filming Season 3

Pretty excited to see what happens in Season 3! I can’t get the image of Starlight, Kimiko, and Queen Maeve kicking the shit out of Stormfront out of my head.

GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!

I guess Stormfront is still alive according to the show’s creator. I wonder how she will play into season 3 if they decide to bring her back?? Can she regrow limbs or is she going to be crawling around without legs and arms and an eye?

This could definitely be there moment to rebuild her into a cyborg.

No arm? No eye? No problem!!

Let’s pray all the new Disney+ Marvel shows keep me alive long enough to see this new season!!! I will give anything to see Jack Quaid act in anything! Give him everything and protect Hughie Campbell at all costs!!

For all your comic book news, comic book resources, and The Boys updates

-Comic Book Betch

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Official Trailer for Falcon and The Winter Soldier

New Trailer for The Falcon and The Winter Soldier!

Buddy Cops

FRIEND! I HAVE COMIC BOOK NEWS!

I am 100% more excited to see this new Disney+ Series after watching this trailer. My friend was telling me that The Falcon and The Winter Soldier was going to be good, but in no way did I believe her. I was skeptical because of the clusterfuck that was Captain America and the Winter Soldier.

HATED IT.

The trailer begins with The Falcon and The Winter Soldier at some sort of mediation because they do not get along. And they do not get along because both of them were in love with Steve Rogers, and he couldn’t choose between them.

I like a love triangle as much as the next Comic Book Betch, but the reason Steve never chose the Winter Soldier or The Falcon was because he was still in love with Peggy Carter. And, like, didn’t he bone Peggy’s granddaughter or something? Which is his own granddaughter because we learn that Captain America goes back in time and has a life with Peggy after Avengers: End Game?

Idk Steve Rogers shit is messy. Remember when Black Widow was trying to jump his bones?

Anyways, The Falcon and The Winter Soldier are now teammates or something who don’t get along because they are both still in love with Captain America, and without meaning to do so, Captain America pit them against each other in this weird competition for his affection. So that is what I assume what this series is about: them just talking about how much they want to marry Steve Rogers and how he was the best guy ever, and then Peggy’s granddaughter shows up and beats everyone up for them while they stare at photos of Steve.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Comic Book Betch

for your comic book resources, comic book news, and Marvel updates!

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UPCOMING MARVEL FILMS!!

and tv shows…

Right now, Marvel Studios is filming:

-Spider-Man 3

-Doctor Strange 2 The Multiverse of Madness

-Thor 4 God of Love and Thunder

-Ms. Marvel (Disney+ Series)

-Hawkeye (Disney+ Series)

-Quantummania (early shoots)
-Loki (reshoots!!!!!)

And next month She Hulk and Moonknight will start production!!!

AND THEY HAVEN’T HAD A POSITIVE COVID-19 CASE YET! FINALLY 2021 AND 2022 ARE MY NEW REASONS TO LIVEE!!!!

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Morbius: Bond of Blood Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

The origin of Morbius!

Written by Ralph Macchio

Art by Tom Reilly

Color Art by Chris O’Halloran

Cover Artists: Giuseppe Camuncol and Erick Arciniega

This is basically a stroll through memory lane, but because I promised you, and I was so fucking hype for this issue. Here’s the recap, buddy!

So Morbius, living vampire. Yada yada.

This basically is his origin story reprinted. It is still in the style of the silver age of comic books. The art and dialogue is all very “of that age.” And the writer is 83 years old. SO!

I actually remember when Morbius was first introduced back in one of those old ass Amazing Spider-Man’s that I read in the Essential collection when I was like, 15? They all were so expositional with their dialogue. But, I guess that’s why that age won Silver, huh?

Crazy how he looked like a vampire BEFORE he looked like a vampire. Weird.

Morbius origin is tragic? I guess, he was a rich ass scientist who was boning some chick and taking a cruise on a yacht with her and his BFF, but he was dying from a blood disease, so I guess, that’s the tragedy. Luckily, he is a scientist so him and his bff came up with a “cure” but it ended up turning him into a living vampire (SPOILER!)

Oh and he killed his BFF, and instead of killing his GF next, he threw himself into the sea, but he decided, like, he can swim so he’s not going to drown.

Sorry Dood, bro code is over when I’m thirsty.

Later, a big ass ship comes to pick him up from the sea, and to repay them for their kindness he drinks their blood and kills them.

After killing his best friend and being rescued and killing everyone who saved him, he decides to check up on his BFF’s young son, who is dying of an incurable disease! FUN!!

He checks in on the kid, who has no family I guess because no one else is there, but makes sense cause his dad was murdered, and the kid is like “I wuv you Unckie Morbie.”

And Morbius is like, damn, I killed his dad but maybe I can save his life. So he heads over to Dr. Hyde’s place, and speaks with his alter ego Mr. Jekyll, who apparently has the cure for the kids disease. Morbius is like great I need it! But when he goes to the Doctor’s place he immediately attacks him!

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ASSAULT.

So Jekyll-Hyde guy is like, “sweet go get me my research books from the mental institution I used to live in, cause I’m fucking crazy and I’ll give you that cure, dummy.”

You know this is from back in the day, because there’s no insane asylum castles anymore.

Morbsey, gets the research, gets the vaccine, gives it to the kid, kid immediately dies, (insert anti-vaxxer joke here)

Now Morbius has killed his BFF and his fucking son, but before he kills him, Morbius confesses to the kid that he killed his father and the son forgives him. Then he dies. Then a nurse comes in and is like “that guy must have killed him” pointing to Morbius, and she is correct!

After the kid dies, Morbius returns to beat the shit out of Hyde, who now that he has research back, has become a giant monster and is like “I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”

So they fight, and Morbsey bites him, which weakens Hyde, and eventually turns him back into the sniveling little doctor from before.

Oh really, Morbsey? You expect people to take you seriously with that side part? HA! I don’t think so.

The normal version of Hyde is like, “yeah I gave you a vaccine that I knew would kill the kid, but I just want to be that big dude, Hyde.”

And then Morbius is like, “why he’s ugly.”

And then the doctor is like, “ew, you’re rude.”

And then he passes out, and then Morbsey is like, “You’ll survive this, because I don’t kill everyone, just innocent people…Wait-“

The point is, he’s trying to be good, but he can’t be good, because he gets hungry and when he gets hungry he’s usually around innocent people. And also Marvel can’t afford to come up with new villains all the time, so he can’t be Dexter-ing them every fucking month.

Well that was it!

Thank you for joining me today, friend!

If you liked what you read please leave a comment below and follow me on the Twitter: IlsaTheJoe.

PEACE!

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Coming soon…

Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap

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X-Factor #7 Comic Book Recap : GUESS WHO’S POSSESSED IN BARCELONA!

X-Factor #7 Comic Book Recap: Who’s hooking up in the boneyard?

IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE HORNY TEENS AGAIN!

Are they teens? No they have to be like early or mid-twenties? IDFK. All I know is that it’s like an orgy over there in the X-Factor boneyard.

Boneyard. Wow. I just got that.

This issue is brought to you by Leah Williams, David Baldeon, and Ivan Shavrin

If you don’t know what’s going on, how about you catch up on my last recap of X-Factor #6?

Now that we’re all caught up, we can begin.

Guess who showed up today? Speed! AKA Tommy, AKA if you’re watching WandaVision, one of Wanda’s twins. He looks just like Pietro, is slightly more annoying than Pietro, and enjoys the company of men, especially Prodigy.

Instead of discussing how there might be two of you out in the world, and you may be a resurrected clone of sorts, let’s just shut up and make out.

Tommy came over to let Prodigy know that he actually did not die in the O.N.E attack on Xavier’s institute, because he was with Tommy that night and he has the steamy photos to prove it.

So it turns out he was resurrected without a body, which I guess means that there is another Prodigy buzzing about somewhere?

Next up, another lovely couple of sluts, Daken and Aurora are strolling through the halls, and they have a conversation and it goes like this:

Daken: You smell scared.

Aurora: It’s weird that you can smell that.

Daken: Yeah but I can only smell lust and fear, I can’t telepathically understand why people have those emotions.

Aurora: Well I’m lusting over you right now.

Daken: Yeah I know. I literally just told you I could tell.

Aurora: Oh, right. Wanna make out?

Daken: No.

Aurora: Damn, ok.

Aurora has got to be the least slutty hoe I’ve ever seen.

Northstar calls his dog, Daken, over. Daken is tracking Siryn, as you know if you read last month’s recap.

Northstar tells Daken to get Fleet Seeds while he’s out and also warns Daken that he will kill him if he hurts his sister, Aurora. And Daken is like, “cool story, bro.”

Wow, I really hope he doesn’t forget those Fleet Seeds. Seem really important. Wow.
He forgot Fleet Seeds, but he invested heavily in Doge coin.

Daken is following Siryn. Polaris is a dumb hoe, because Siryn tricked her last issue into lying for her, so although Daken is tracking Siryn to the States, Polaris tells everyone she’s in Barcelona going on a walking tour. If you didn’t say Barcelona with a lisp you fucking suck.

Northstar decides to split the team up to interrogate Siryn’s closests friends, and because half the team can tell when someone is lying to them, they’re splitting up into three groups of two. Speaking of lies, Eye-Boy notices that Polaris is straight up lying to the whole team. He doesn’t say anything though, because Polaris is sitting right there and that would be shades af. Northstar gets up to find Prodigy who was just boning Tommy.

Northstar runs into Tommy first, and Tommy has a lot of questions for Northstar because Northstar is really fast and Tommy is really fast, but Northstar is faster and also older. And rich. And a twin. And a Leader. And everything that Tommy probably wants to be/sort of already is.

How old do you have to be to call someone “young person?” How old is Northstar and why is he hanging out with all these horny teens? I have questions.

So, next we get a scene of Tommy being really annoying and asking a ton of speed-related questions to Northstar, and Prodigy physically pushes him out, making me think that he might be the top?

Prodigy and Northstar get to their boring ass mission of interrogating Siryn’s friends. This mission proves fruitless. Her dad, Banshee didn’t even know that she died once. SO!

Daken tries to call Lorna AKA Polaris, but she ignores the call. RUDE! Then this shows up.

PSA: This is really important to the rest of the storyline.

If you need a summary here it is: THIS BITCH, MORRIGAN, SHE CRAZY!

Next up, Daken is alone because Polaris is in charge of the only cell phone, or maybe she’s the only number that Daken knows by heart? Sweet. Anyways, Daken gets captured by Siryn, but spoiler, it’s not Siryn it’s Morrigan. The crazy bitch you just read about. NOICE.

Anyways, Morrigan beats the shit out of Daken and throws his body onto a spike, so he can’t fully heal himself and then while she is attacking him she also shits in his mouth. JUST KIDDING! But she does shit all over him, metaphorically speaking.

Wow, so fucking rude.

So, Daken is just chilling being staked like a common vampire. Meanwhile, it’s taken them days to figure out that Polaris is lying. But once they confront her and remove the psionic blocks that Morrigan- acting as Siryn- put in her, they realize that Daken is missing and needs to be found. This is like 4 fucking days later btw. So he’s been in the cold wearing his light jacket and jeans. What an idiot. This is why I always tell people to layer.

It takes Northstar all of seven minutes to look throughout the entire Tundra to find Daken and save his life.

Why is he yelling at him right now? He, literally, is impaled on a stick.

Now that Northstar has saved Daken, it’s sexy-time for Daken and Aurora.

V sexy of her to dress as a pilgrim and get inside a jacuzzi.

Daken opens up his heart to Aurora and it’s very lovely. So cute. They’re in love. I love this. And they finally kiss, I guess he’s down for it now after being skewered for a few days in the Tundra. They are rudely interrupted by Northstar screaming for Aurora. which he does ALL. THE. TIME.

Daken: Why is he always screaming like that? Can’t he just zoom in to see if you’re okay?

Aurora: He’s scared to lose me.

Daken: Doesn’t answer my question.

Aurora: He was trapped in Nate Grey’s false Utopia. It fucked with his mind.

Daken: My sisters were trapped in there.

Aurora: So you already.

Daken: Already what?

Aurora: You already.

Daken: What?

Aurora: Know. You already know. It’s slang, from like, England.

Daken: You’re never going to make “you already” happen.

Aurora: You already.

Daken: Damn.

THEN WE DO A COMPLETE 180. Which makes me believe that we are missing pages from this storybook. BUT on the very next page after the hot tub sexy-time scene, it is several hours later in the living room and half the team is dead. Only Eye-Boy, Daken, and Prodigy are the last ones left alive. And it’s mad creepy, because the killer set up Aurora and Northstar in this weirdo hex/witchy-shit type of situation.

I wonder who killed everybody!?

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We have a serial killer on the loose!!!

What did you think of this issue? I am really starting to like X-Factor. Definitely becoming one of my faves. When do you think this run will be pick up by Disney+ as a series??? I’m thinking since they’re still taking storylines from 2005 it might not be until 2030 we see this in our living rooms.

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Deadpool #10 Comic Book Recap: Let’s Merc These Hoes

It’s the last run in Kelly Thompson’s Deadpool! How could they do this to us? To me? To you? Marvel, you hate us, but why? WHY??

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch. This week I shall be recapping Deadpool #10. And Guess what the fuck what? It’s a King in Black adventure again!!! When Marvel goes for it, they go for it.

Written by the hilarious Kelly Thompson

Art by Gerardo Sandoval

Cover by Chris Sotomayor

Deadpool, or King Deadpool as he is known by now, is lamenting about the King in Black and how they’ll let anyone be King these days, and this King in Black has left the city, and his island, the Island of Staten…why did I say that? He’s on Staten Island. Anyways the whole country or world or something is covered in black goo. Same shit different issue.

Deadpool decides to have a groupthink with his honor guard, unfortunately everyone’s pretty dumb there, except for Elsa Bloodstone, who, if you’re not new to this blog, you know that I FUCKING STAN!

I can’t wait to see King Deadpool cosplay at a con.

In the groupthink they decide to form ANOTHER team, other than this guard, because the Island of Staten is full of monsters to choose from.

They form a team and then they walk into the room really cool like this:

What a badass group of monsters. And, awkwardly, one monster hunter.

So after they do their cool walk, these weird little priest monsters come in and tell King Deadpool that it’s the end of days, and Deadpool is like “Yeah. IT FUCKING ALWAYS IS.”

Unimpressed, Deadpool is about to walk away when the priest informs him that the monster that is here (The King in Black) is going to devour the King of Monsters as is prophesied, this gets Deadpool’s attention because HE IS the King of Monsters. But, Deadpool says that there is no way this is the Priests monster that they prophesied, it is a Marvel monster and it’s a comic book event, so instead of worrying about these priests and their dumb prophecies, he takes his team of monsters and goes to battle!

Okay, Kohlaab the Pile is definitely touching the symbiote.

Then it gets really sad because the monster eats the snowman, who I did not even bother to mention earlier, but he’s cool because he only speaks in winter-related puns, see what I did there?

NOT FROSTY THE UNMELTABLE SNOWMAN!

Shiny, the monster who shines a light through his mouth, opens his mouth and shoots a blinding hole through the wing of one of the venom dragons, and this gives the team a chance to regroup.

Then this next part is really cool. I love this comic book. Deadpool is literally such a great character and having Kelly Thompson write him!? UGH CHEF’S KISS.

Jeff the Shark touches the goo, and Deadpool is noticeably upset but he promises to find a way to save Jeff, Jeff is already turned though, and bites Deadpool on the hand. Elsa says they can’t afford to have Deadpool turned by the black goo because he is indestructible, TRUE, so Deadpool hacks off his hand. I love this comic book. Deadpool is the fucking best.

They totally stole this from The Walking Dead, except Rick is a bitch who can’t grow back limbs.

Deadpool and the team decide to do another cool group walk back into the scene, but it is rudely interrupted by Jelby, who left their group behind in issue #6. He comes bearing gifts though, a gift in the form of Jeff the Shark safely hidden away in a bowl of Jelby’s jelly.

The entire teams climbs inside of Jelby and they take on the venom dragon from inside of Jelby, Deadpool coins their conjoining as the “Monster-Tron” Patent pending.

I don’t know where all those lights are coming from, There is only one Shiny on the team that I know about.

Using a combination of butts and brains they are able to defeat the dragon symbiote monster, or at least they are able to throw the dragon into a giant hole, but as Elsa points out “it’s got sodding wings!”

This leads to the writer to doing a tie-in to a previous issue, and it’s all very romantic and beautiful and breaking of the fourth wall. As all Deadpool comics are.

He loves red heads. This is canon af.

As Deadpool fends off the dragon from below, Jelby jumps down to save the day!

He contains the dragon in his little jelly belly and Wade is forced to sever another limb to stop the symbiote goo from taking him over…but that does give me pause? Could these severed limbs come back as symbiotes? hmmmm…I GUESS NOT BECAUSE JUST LIKE ARMIE HAMMER, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED.

The day is saved, but there is still one thing left to deal with!

Deadpool already sounds like a dad.

They take a note from Spider-Man and get the symbiote off of Jeff using some loud-ass music. And then Jeff is back to normal and so freaking cute. I cannot.

LOOK AT THAT FACE OMG. OMFG.I LOVE YOU JEFF THE SHARK! I might get this last panel tattooed on me. Thoughts?

King Deadpool saves the day, and it turns out the priests were wrong, the monster will be coming to get him in 2022. A line is forming outside so that Deadpool can pay for the property damages he caused with all of this fighting, and Elsa gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. All is well, except that this run is getting canceled and it’s the fucking worst thing that could happen to any of us because it is so good. I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept.

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Black Cats and Green Bats: Black Cat #2 Comic Book Recap.

Writer: Jed MacKay

Artist: C.F. Villa

Cover Artists: Pepe Larraz and Marte Gracia

Are you over Knull and his league of Symbiote dragons?

Well, I’m not!

This brings me to my wonderful recap, Queen in Black : Black Cat #2!

So the jist of issue #1 is this: Black Cat and friends were in the middle of a heist when Knull and the symbiotes attacked. The Avengers showed up but they couldn’t do shit, the most they could do was tell Felicia that she needs to save Doctor Strange because he’s the only hope in all of this mess. Captain America gave her this package that Doctor Strange needs to stop the symbiote and if she can deliver the package to Doctor Strange then he can save the world. Problem is, Doctor Strange is currently locked up in a symbiote goo prison on top of the Chrysler building.

Isn’t it lucky that my suit tore in THESE exact spots!?

Felicia and the boys meet up with symbiote expert Dr. Steve and the good doctor gives Felicia a prototype anti-venom suit. He had been working on these suits since before the invasion as he was warned in advance. LIKELY FUCKING STORY. Anyways it’s a combination of anti-venom serum and the lobotomized symbiote from the Absolute Carnage series.

Dr. Steve warns Felicia that the suits will basically dissolve at some point and the odds of her finding Dr. Strange in the symbiote goo faster than the suits will die off is slim to none.

However, Felicia knows a guy.

Dogs don’t play chess, they play poker. What an idiot.

With the suit, and a ghost dog, this mission is ready to begin. Felicia’s army of nerds gets her Goblin’s hovercraft to ride to the top of the Chrysler building and it looks pretty badass, I have to say.

Wouldn’t your feet just slip out of the back? What’s the point of those straps?

They make it to the goo prison and Felicia jumps off the aircraft and throws her ball of anti-symbiote suit-suit like a Pokeball and it’s binds to her, but she says it feels weird because it’s crawling all over her. BITCH, IT’S A LIVE SUIT. WHAT DID YOU THINK? You literally have alien organisms attaching to your body rn.

Look! There’s a black cat on her chest! AWWWW what a cute spot for a kitty.

Felicia and Bats, the ghost dog, land inside the goo ball, and although Felicia can breathe thanks to her suit, she can’t see anything. So how tf she gon’ get to the Doctahh? Luckily, Bats is like “hey hoe, I found him.”

She follows Bats through the goo and all the while she is just talking shit about symbiotes and how much she hates Eddie Brock and it’s all his fault, blah blah blah.

Just as Felicia’s suit is about to fail her and she starts wheezing for breath, they find Doctor Strange and she throws the Pokeball- er, I mean the anti-venom, er, anti-symbiote, NO! the SYMBIWON’T. hahhahaha. good one, betch. Anyways she throws that ball and the suit envelops Doctor Strange.

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!

Bats leads them out of the goo and they fall from the sky, luckily Felicia’s nerds have the Spider-Man buggy and they drive up a wall to pick her up.

Here grab this pole I barely have a grip on. That should be fine for you and the large man you’re carrying.

One of Felicia’s nerds, Bruno is tasked with driving the buggy out of harm’s way, meanwhile the other nerd, Doc, his job is to wake up Doctor Strange. Black Cat creates the distraction by throwing bombs around, making light blasts, because symbiotes like the dark. Little known factoid for you all.

Felicia thinks and thinks in these black boxes throughout the chase scene about how they’re all just lowly thieves and caught up in a crazy mess and she just wants to steal, etc. Then this crazy ass mother fucker, Bruno, drives the little buggy off a building and they crash.

Spoiler alert: Everyone survives.

They regroup and their conversation goes like this:

Bruno: Hey, the buggy is dunzo.

Felicia: well that sucks cause if you look in this panel, there’s about a million symbiote dragons heading this way.

Doc: Panel, what are you-

Felicia: This package, you know the one that Comic Book Betch mentioned earlier? With the magic wand in it? We were supposed to deliver this to Doctor Strange so he can win.

Doc: Yeah, but why are you being so expositional right now? Who the hell is Comic Book Betch? You could just say “the wand” or the “package.”

Felicia: Shut up, Doc. Anyways, why don’t I just use it?

Bats: That’s a horrible idea. You don’t know what it does, also it’s magic and you’re not magic.

Doc: Yeah that’s a bad idea, you could die. Please don’t do it.

Bruno: Don’t do it, Felicia.

Felicia: ….

Bats: ?

Doc: ?

Bruno: ?

Felicia: I did it.

It looks like Doctor Strange’s collar is tiny arms and he is waving them around like ‘YAS QUEEN’

Turns out it was an Asgardian wand and it gave her a fucking GODDESS outfit. It even braided a piece of her hair! OMG.

DAMN. The whole ride from beginning to end was a 10/10 FOR ME DAWG!

I was not expecting this ending, and I am fully in support of an Asgardian Black Cat Goddess.

What do you hoes think? Sound off in the comments.

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King in Black: Gwenom VS Carnage #1 Comic book recap – I wish these dragons didn’t eat my friends.

King in Black : Gwenom VS Carnage –

Written by Sean McGuire

Art by Flaviano

Colorist: Rico Renzi

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch.

This Gwenom VS Carnage #1 is out now! I have high hopes for this run so let’s dive in shall we?

Gwenom AKA Ghost Spider, Peter Parker’s ex-girlfriend, and girl covered in living spiders, is going to college on a different dimension after getting run out of her dimension by evil Storm siblings. This we already know. She’s in college at Empire State University. She has three roommates that she loves very much, and the entire city is covered in Venom goo! Oh no!

She’s having some trouble rounding up these black gooey symbiotes because her Spidey senses don’t work on it.

She is literally Spider-Man.

Ghost Spider tries to save this guy from the symbiote goo. And of course the goo got him and turned him into a monster. So she heads back to her dorm to protect her roommates. But who follows her there?

None other than the dragon goo monsters!

Unfortunately, she cannot save them in time and they all turn into goo pods.

I never knew symbiotes were dragons. COOOOLLL

Then Ghost Spider is a total fucking bad ass, webs herself up some boots and rides that goo dragon like fucking Khaleesi.

I love bad bitches. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.

Then she says she needs to find out what’s going on, so she needs Peter or Miles’ help? Why the fuck do you need a man’s help, bitch? You can solve this shit on your own. I blame the writer. Why even bring that up? We don’t need that line. Throw it out, burn it, bury it the in backyard. Mourn tomorrow because today Ghost Spider is lighting up this shit.

So as she’s crying about needing a man’s help, she decides she’s going to use her necklace to teleport back to her dimension because obviously the world is over here. Unfortunately something is fucked up with the transporter and I’m not really sure what’s going on there.

Looks like some goo got her.

Back in Earth-65 however, Mary Jane is being used as a torture victim for the Jackal, who is upset that Gwen Stacey is gone so he’s gotta use this bitch as his second choice. Just like Peter!

Too soon?

He tries to douse her in the same spiders that Gwen uses to make her Ghost Spider suit. Because with his logic, the spiders are bonded to Gwen and Gwen is bonded to Mary-Jane, sooo, a friend of my friend is also my friend?

Mary Jane screams out for her friend, Gwen. And somehow they are bonded together and Mary-Jane is forced into the Earth-616 time zone.

“Hmmm…did you guys have any other friends? No? Oh. Damn.”

So Mary-Jane in Earth-616 gets there by basically splitting Gwen in half, however Gwen is fine after she births the 20-something full grown woman from her chest.

Gwen was midway in the air while MJ came careening out of her chest so now she is falling from the sky and Gwen is just in time to save her life.

Unfortunately they fall into a pile of goo and MJ is immediately corrupted.

Knull the God of the Symbiotes is creepily watching all of this happen, hence the red in the last panel. I guess he sees everything in red? So how does he notice red flags amiright? He probably doesn’t date much amiright? Okay, I’m done.

So Knull feels MJ and merges with her. Yuck. So now he has taken over Mary-Jane’s symbiote body and she has become Carnage. HENCE THE NAME OF THE COMIC.

Wait, why do you get to be Carnage???” “Because I have red hair, duh. Geeze Gwen you’re so dumb.”

We’re off to the races now aren’t we boys! And did you notice that nice new Symbiote suit Gwen’s got on? Pretty sweet.

Will you be reading the next issue of Gwenom VS Carnage? Let me know in the comments!!

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Kelly Thompson is a Monster. Black Widow #4 Comic Book Recap

Don’t read this one if you’re squeamish!

Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!

Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!

It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!

Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.

ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”

Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?

So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.

They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.

Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?

Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”

Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.

She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.

More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.

Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.

Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”

And they’re conversation goes like this:

Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.

James: Uh, what?

Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.

James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!

Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.

Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.

“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?

Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.

James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.

Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.

James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.

Nat: And you have to take the kid.

James: Ummm-

*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*

Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.

Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!

So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.

Nothing could go wrong at nap time!

Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.

What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!

Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!

I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?

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Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Ooowweee!!  It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.11.51 AM
A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 10.54.49 AM
Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.27.16 AM
Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

 

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.42.08 AM
They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.46.19 AM
You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.51.28 AM
I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

Screenshot 2020-04-28 at 11.02.23 AM
She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch

Episode 37 – Relatable Meets Behind the Bucket

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-xutxb-118be9d

*CALLING ALL STAR WARS NERDS* 

We are finally in our new Star Wars era. The Book of Boba Fett is halfway through its season, the Rogue One spin off show Andor is up to premiere next, and of course, Obi Wan is also set to premiere later this year. We’re ready and nowhere near ready at the same time, but to set the mood, we figured – why not invited some fellow Star Wars nerds onto the show?!

The creators of “Behind the Bucket : A Midwest Garrison Story” are here to chat with us about their new documentary about the 501st Midwest Legion and their incredible acts of service to the Star Wars community and many others. We cover the behind the scenes of the movie, what the 501st is all about and our favorite parts of the Star Wars galaxy.

Of course we have some opening remarks, in which we discuss our perfect, future Utopia we plan on starting. Listen up if you want in. 

EPISODE 36 – Let’s Play A Game

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-xv3c2-116f150

Happy 2022! It seems to be shaping up as quite the year already, as the ReLadies review what exciting events we have taking place – including a shit ton of Star Wars content and DC’s official takeover of the universe as we know it. Oh, and did we mention omicron is also pretty viral right now? Please wear a damn mask.

After editing this episode, the ReLadies created a new drinking game to go along with it, because that’s what we do best.

Every time you hear “Andrew Garfield” being said, please take a shot of your beverage of choice (preferably whiskey). At the end of the episode, please try your very best to recap what the last ten minutes of the episode was about. Winner gets a shoutout. Let the games begin. 

EPISODE 35 – Hoe Hoe Hoe

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-aash8-1160c58

Happy Hoe-lidays from your ReLadies!!

Ilsa and Kyra do their best to present a spoiler-free review of Spider-Man No Way Home and the Series Finale of Hawkeye, and yet they fail miserably. 

But if you’re anything like us, then you Done Been Knowing anyways. 

In this episode we also discuss the importance of dating outside of your height, the unimportance of knowing the Presidents of the United States, and the gem of a human known as Florence Pugh.

Episode 34 – Our Children Are Serial Killers – Feat. BingetownTV

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-re2cm-1144ba2

The ReLadies are joined by special guests Jim and Brian from BingetownTV podcast! They are the resident Comic Book and Star Wars experts on their podcast so obviously our convos go a little off the rails…

In this episode we discuss the first two episodes of Hawkeye and reveal some fun Easter eggs you might have missed. Ilsa also makes Jim and Brian uncomfortable by asking them if they are afraid to have children because they might turn into serial killers. 

It’s a super fun episode so come and nerd out with us and our two new nerdy besties!!!!!

Raise your hand if you love internet friends!

 

Episode 33 – Eternally Yours

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-du3yj-112a42f

The time has finally come. The moment is finally here. Our entire lives had lead up to this –

OUR ETERNALS EPISODE.  Eternals finally debuted in the United States this past weekend and despite the spoilers we’ve endured leading up to the movie (thanks Variety), and the negative critic reviews (you guys need to stop being so rude) – we absolutely adored this film and are already counting down the days until the next installment. 

Please do not listen to this episode if you haven’t seen the movie. There are many spoilers. We ain’t sorry about it. 

Amongst the Eternals deep dive, we do jump into a lot out other nerdy rumors hitting the town right now. Another Star Wars film delayed? We will get to see a beloved Knights of the Old Republic movie after all (fingers crossed) ? A Black Widow crossover with Stranger Things? Daylight savings time did happen this past Saturday and it looks like it stirred up a lot! Maybe we are all in our own version of the multiverse now….